Will my toddler ever stop fighting bedtime? It's been 6 months..

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wingsofeagles2012

New member
I'm not sure where the best place to post this is but I appreciate you guys so I thought to ask here.

My almost 3 year old used to go to bed so easily. A little protesting here and there but nothing like what it's been for the past 6 months. With occasional exceptions it's pretty much a fight from start to finish.

We try to have a consistent routine that isn't rushed but also isn't overly long and drawn out. Brush teeth, diaper, jammies, a couple books, songs, bed.

When this all started she had just come home from gpa and gma's for a weekend. She came back and was suddenly scared of the dark. Gma said she needed to have a nightlight on to sleep. So I didn't fight it and let her have the nightlight on. She also seemed much more anxious about bedtime and we started laying next to her until she fell asleep. But then it quickly divulged into a constant fight.

At some point in the last 6 months she officially dropped her nap. If she naps at any point for any length of time she won't go to sleep until like 10.

Trying bedtime before 8:00pm is always a failure so we aim for 8:00-8:30pm. Wakeup is around 7:30am.

On one hand I've wondered if she's overtired and why she's fighting so much. But we have played around with earlier bedtimes between 7-8pm without success.

I'm not really sure what else to try or where to go with this. For the first few weeks and maybe even months I thought it was just a phase. However, after half a year I don't think it's just normal toddler independance. It absolutely sucks.

Open to any and all ideas, encouragement, and critiques.
 
@wingsofeagles2012 For tantrums, I don’t enegage in escalation. I let my kiddo self soothe. That doesn’t mean I don’t offer comfort, tissues, hugs, comfort items. I let her know I’m sorry she’s feeling so upset. And in the end skipping a part of the routine isn’t the end of the world. Kid sleeps in day clothes for a night, it’s not the end of times.

Recwntly my kiddo would occasionally refuse even the books, didn’t take more than a couple of times letting her know that is ok and we don’t have to do a book and follow through with that. She stopped refusing the books quick. But I think she enjoyed learning that if she says no, something doesn’t have to happen just because it’s our usual.

She loves when we brush our teeth together. So that’s what we do on more difficult nights. I think being a part of a social activity (like eating together) makes it easier. Less excluding because it makes a routine less of a “these are the steps to being put in my room alone to sleep” and more of a “we all do this before bed”

Choices are good sometimes. These Jammie’s or the other Jammie’s. I set up a standard of play for getting dressed early on and that works for us most of the time. I show her the clothes and tell her how cool it pretty they are, and talk about what’s on them. I peek a boo with her through the head hole of shirts. We “jiggle butt” her pants up. The socks are hungry for feet and must eat them.

Not every thing works for every kid. My first would beg to go to bed early. The youngest is my spicy firecracker, and ten times as difficult, so I’ve gotten very creative.
 
@hopeatl It's often screaming/tantrums the whole time. We will have to physically hold her down to get jammies on. When it's more calm it's like what you described as saying no and not wanting to follow instructions.
 
@wingsofeagles2012 Have you tried giving options of jammies? Instead of telling her it's time to put on jammies just maybe say oooh you wanna wear pink ones or blue ones? Same with teeth brushing. Do you want mom or dad to brush teeth tonight? So she feels like she's making the decisions.

Another thing is my 3 year old at one point cried and wouldn't put on her pajamas or night diaper so I just let her go to bed naked and then I'd go sneak a diaper on her when I went to bed and jammies if needed. She just recently let me start putting them on again before she falls asleep.
 
@wingsofeagles2012 Are you putting the jarmies on in her room? Another thing you could try is moving that part of the routine to another room. Like doing that in the living room. It sounds like she’s getting triggered by the actual routine so maybe changing things up might help some of the tears.
 
@wingsofeagles2012 What does her day to day look like? Does she get a lot of good one on one time with you every day (no judgement! I know lots of folks work long hours and are completely drained by the end of the work day). I’ve heard about kids who are in daycare having evening meltdowns with their parents because they’ve been holding in their difficult behaviour all day and finally feel safe letting it out at home. Does she get enough time to get outside and run around and do free play? Do you warn her that a transition is coming up before you try to move on to the next stage of bedtime? Have you tried any of the tactics from How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen?

I’m just throwing out random ideas, you’re probably already set on all of this but maybe there’s something to consider? Maybe she’s just going through a difficult toddler phase though and there’s nothing to be done. Definitely don’t be hard on yourself, it sounds like you’re already going through a lot.
 
@hopeatl I just came across that book and wanted to check it out.

I'm home with her and my baby all day. I feel like she gets some decent one on one time with me but it's possible that what I think is enough isn't enough for her.

Thanks for all your ideas ❤️
 
@wingsofeagles2012 Hang in there, my daughter is the same age (and I have a baby due any day) and I know this motherhood stuff can be so so so hard. My patience has been worn so thin lately but it helps me to remember “she’s not giving me a hard time, she’s having a hard time.” She doesn’t know how to manage her emotions or cooperate yet. If you’re open to TV we also do a lot of learning about social/emotional stuff from Daniel Tiger. PBS is free and they have an app for your phone or you can find a lot of good episodes on YouTube and other places.
 
@wingsofeagles2012 Someone already suggested How to talk so kids will listen and I want to also suggest hunt Gather parent. There's a killer section in the back about sleep. The whole book is good too tho
 
@wingsofeagles2012 I read the book before my first was born and an definitely due for a reread. I would say we kind of implement her tactics, as some nights we do our night time routine and then we lay down in bed together to fall asleep. But we haven't had a lot of bed time struggle yet either. My son is only 18 months. The concept of teaching by example and providing plenty of opportunities to practice is a core piece to our parenting style though.
 
@torn12 Do you think it impacted how you approached sleep right from the beginning? I thought it was a helpful chapter but would've loved for it to be fleshed out some more with some more real life examples of what it looks like to not try to control sleep. I know it seems funny...like it should be as simple as not forcing it lol. Anyways, if you think it changed how you approached sleep how do you think sleep looked different in the first 18 months so far? I guess I'm thinking specifically on the newborn stage before they can benefit from things like modeling, practice, and praise.

I think I've been a little more laid back with my second baby. With my oldest I was very rigid and by the books (and she's now the one we're having difficulty with).
 
@wingsofeagles2012 Oh for sure, I would say I worried about sleep the least up until recently. And I don't even really worry about it now, the only reason we have a "nap schedule" is because if I didn't say, son it's time to rest our bodies, he wouldn't sleep ever lol. He is so high energy. But before he was napping at a similar time every day, I basically had the mindset of, if he's tired he will sleep, if he's not tired he doesn't need to sleep. I refrained from forcing a nap or telling him it was time to nap when he clearly wasn't tired. Once he went down to one nap, around 9 months I think? it was pretty consistently the same time every day we would be nursing and he would get sleepy so we'd go lay down the bed and he'd fall asleep.

We ended up weaning a lot earlier than I'd originally planned at 15 16 months ish (because I was pregnant and super overstimulated) so now nap time is basically around the same time every day but it's not a strict schedule. Depends on when he woke up, what we're doing that day, when we have lunch, etc. then we read a story or two and rock to sleep. We sometimes have struggles with him not wanting to sleep, ie he asks for every thing BUT sleep, water, potty, banana, etc. Night time is similar but I will often lay down with him in bed instead of sitting in the rocking chair. We snuggle and I sing him a song and stroke his hair and he drifts off into sleep. Sometimes I do too lol. Some nights he has a hard time settling, I think the nights when we get to our night time routine too late, so he's more on the overtired side of things, and we'll end up rocking to sleep because he thinks it's still play time and wants to get up.

Anyway, that was a wall of text, sorry, I hope some of that helped or made sense lol

Oh I meant to add that at sleep times I usually talk about how we need to recharge and rest our bodies so we can continue to play more and if we don't rest we run out of energy and get cranky and tired and everything feels hard and that we feel better after we rest.
 
@wingsofeagles2012 Are you trying to actually make her go to sleep? You can’t make people go to sleep, not even littles

When I have a little who doesn’t want to sleep at the time I need to I just tell them they need to do quiet time (so they can sit in their room looking at books in their bed). The only rule is that they are quiet and in their bed. If they sleep that’s up to them. Takes the pressure off and works like a charm

This is also how I get a break during the day when kids don’t want to nap, they are still required to do an hour or so of quiet time
 
@kyleeak I did try for a bit telling her she didn't have to fall asleep but she has to be in her room. But it just became a game of wack a mole and she would keep coming out of her room. Maybe I didn't implement it well enough or for long enough.
 
@wingsofeagles2012 I would say for this you need to just be very firm. Do not give attention or anything. Just pick up, back to the bed, leave. Not in a mean way but just business like. And in general you need to be very consistent in your parenting for this to work. My littles know I do not change my mind so they rarely bother to try to make me change it (which is what she’s doing by coming out).

Another option would be to stay in the room for a time to ensure she stays in the bed and is quiet. Again the importance of firmness, not giving attention or making it a game, and complete and utter consistency no matter what. Sit by the door and read your own book quietly to model. Do not engage in conversation simply remain quiet and keep modeling or at most say quiet time if she does anything.

If you waver or change your mind or are inconsistent it will teach her that you do not know what’s going on anymore than she does. She will not be able to trust your words.
 
@kyleeak Gonna have to send my husband in because I am for sure the sucker in this area. I think I do pretty well during the day and by the end of it I'm tired and give in. Thank you for the advice ❤️
 
@wingsofeagles2012 It’s very understandable to be tired. And totally ok for your husband to take on some jobs too it’s not all on you

I do think the more you work at consistentcy the easier life will be and the less tired you will be. But it is very hard in the beginning and a very normal struggle to have so no judgement at all
 
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