Disclaimer: This post is based purely on anecdotal evidence and I have no research links in support of why attachment parenting is "better" than any other parenting style. I am simply recounting my childhood and how I came to the realization that following in my parents' parenting footsteps was actually the best decision for my kids. I have no judgment towards how others parent because all good parents have the best intentions (plus, we're all trying to survive out here). This post was suggested by @restoredgospel, @evall , and @samoisus.
Why my Asian Upbringing Made me consider Attachment Parenting
- Thread starter ell3bee
- Start date
@ell3bee I enjoyed reading your personal story! It sounds like a great upbringing and it’s nice to hear that you can reflect back and appreciate it, how beautiful!
I currently live in Asia (from the west originally), and I agree it seems attachment parenting is the norm here. My husband is Asian and has a lot of similarities with your story. I feel very blessed to be exposed to this type of parenting. I had a difficult childhood and I know I would’ve benefitted from AP. I also live very far from family so I don’t have to hear the dreaded “you’ll spoil them” rant. I think it’s fantastic you’ve got your parents living with you if they support AP!
I currently live in Asia (from the west originally), and I agree it seems attachment parenting is the norm here. My husband is Asian and has a lot of similarities with your story. I feel very blessed to be exposed to this type of parenting. I had a difficult childhood and I know I would’ve benefitted from AP. I also live very far from family so I don’t have to hear the dreaded “you’ll spoil them” rant. I think it’s fantastic you’ve got your parents living with you if they support AP!
@chrishiee Right!? My hope is for my kids to eventually do the same (look back at their upbringing and know that despite the ups and downs, they will never doubt that they were loved and cared for).
It’s so foreign to me that people in the West even have this term “attachment parenting” as a parenting style, because this is simply what we thought was the norm (and what everyone did) where we grew up. If I ever even brought up this style of parenting to my parents they’d probably say, “I thought everyone just did this?” Hahaha
Where in asia are you currently residing, if you don’t mind me asking?
I’m so sorry to hear you had a difficult childhood, I’m sure you are doing a great job at breaking the cycle! Your kids are absolutely blest to have a parent like you.
It’s so foreign to me that people in the West even have this term “attachment parenting” as a parenting style, because this is simply what we thought was the norm (and what everyone did) where we grew up. If I ever even brought up this style of parenting to my parents they’d probably say, “I thought everyone just did this?” Hahaha
Where in asia are you currently residing, if you don’t mind me asking?
I’m so sorry to hear you had a difficult childhood, I’m sure you are doing a great job at breaking the cycle! Your kids are absolutely blest to have a parent like you.
@ell3bee Hahah same in regards to not knowing about this title of “attachment parenting”! Out of curiousity I started researching parent styles around like 6 mo or so and I realized my actions align with AP. I always feel like it’s just following instincts. The western way often goes against instincts, which makes me kinda sad. We are here in Singapore but my husband is from India originally. Thanks for your kind words 
@chrishiee Yes! From my background in health sciences, I had to take a few psych courses here and there. Predominantly, I got the sense that most of my professors (for good reason) suggested that attachment parenting would be one of the best ways to parent. Even though they didn’t directly say that, the studies that would be brought up in class would evidently support attachment parenting. And that’s when I started to reflect and ask myself “why do I absolutely hate when I don’t feel my baby next to me? And why do I hate when people tell me to leave them at their house so they can babysit?” Like I literally felt out of sorts every time I had to leave my baby. I then realized that I had studied this for years, but everything on social media now pushes a different agenda—one that, like you said, goes against every grain of our nature.
Edit to add: I’ve always wanted to visit Singapore! It looks like such a dream to live there!!! Although I doubt I could ever afford it hahaha. Your kids are lucky to have many influences from all over!
Edit to add: I’ve always wanted to visit Singapore! It looks like such a dream to live there!!! Although I doubt I could ever afford it hahaha. Your kids are lucky to have many influences from all over!
@ell3bee I'm Louisiana Creole.
We have a lot of native American and Caribbean influences..... everything you described is exactly how I have parented culturally.
White folks typically don't parent like that and most of white America was told to deprive the child of attachment in various ways. If you go against this as a white person you are classified as "crunchy" or "granola"...but for people of color it's often the norm. Rural black southern Americans were often wet nurses and maids for white babies vs it being considered poor to coddle your baby by southern white ladies of the upper class.
We have a lot of native American and Caribbean influences..... everything you described is exactly how I have parented culturally.
White folks typically don't parent like that and most of white America was told to deprive the child of attachment in various ways. If you go against this as a white person you are classified as "crunchy" or "granola"...but for people of color it's often the norm. Rural black southern Americans were often wet nurses and maids for white babies vs it being considered poor to coddle your baby by southern white ladies of the upper class.
@harveyg You know what, I never looked at it from this perspective—that predominantly White cultures have had the luxury to afford “help” for many generations and therefore it was the norm for them to not “coddle” their children. I wonder if there’s been a study on this and how it could affect their children later on in life? I’m sure there’s tons of them, I just haven’t had the time to do the research! It definitely reminds me of that movie, “The Help”, where Aibileen pretty much was the baby’s “mom” (from the baby’s perspective) while the mom went off and did social events etc. Anyway, we still grew up with a nanny to be fair, but they were treated like family (my parents just worked a lot so it was necessary). To this day, our family remains close with them even though we’ve moved far away. I’m so thankful for them too.
It’s hilarious how everything these days have to be labelled—“crunchy”/“granola”
I mean I proudly wear it because although the terms sound ignorant af, the parenting style is clearly based in biology/nature.
I also, from personal experience, have found that the alternative (being a “silky” mom) just naturally made me more anxious and stressed—possibly because it was against my nature to have my baby sleep away from me (and bottle feeding somehow grossed me out—I have no freaking idea why!!!).
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I’ve always wanted to travel to Louisiana and immerse myself in your culture!
It’s hilarious how everything these days have to be labelled—“crunchy”/“granola”
I mean I proudly wear it because although the terms sound ignorant af, the parenting style is clearly based in biology/nature. I also, from personal experience, have found that the alternative (being a “silky” mom) just naturally made me more anxious and stressed—possibly because it was against my nature to have my baby sleep away from me (and bottle feeding somehow grossed me out—I have no freaking idea why!!!).
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I’ve always wanted to travel to Louisiana and immerse myself in your culture!
starrfairy
New member
@harveyg I agree with you in that anti-attachment has a strong hold on white America--I would call it the British colony effect. I think it has particularly infiltrated the practice of medicine and early psychiatric and educational models (there were other educational theorists early on, but the behaviorists won out in school culture).
However, there are pockets of exceptions. I grew up in a white, working to middle class family in the Midwest. Both sides of my family come from large farming communities with a sprinkling of white collar workers and professionals in there.
Anyway, my point is that both sides of my family genuinely appreciate children. They weren't "crunchy" by any means, I wasn't breastfed, or worn, and gentle parenting wasn't really a thing. But, I can definitely see healthy attachments between parents and their children overall. Because the adults like kids, love holding babies, enjoy interacting with kids of all ages, and generally treat them like human beings and integral parts of the family. All ages mingle at family gatherings. All my Boomer aunts and uncles-as well as the Silent Generation greats-- are the best grandparents, with close relationships with their own adult children.
And it's this fundamental attitude that I found lacking in the larger culture around me, where children and babies are considered a nuisance and a burden. I would call this attitude the fundamentals of "attachment"-- overall responding to and caring about your kids' needs and not dismissing them. Which can be completely separate to the "attachment parenting" choices about feeding, sleeping, etc. I do agree that the AP behaviors help develop that attitude (and made life much easier for me as a parent), but they are the tools to get there, rather than "the thing" itself.
My family certainly isn't perfect... some dysfunctional communication, less than ideal parenting decisions and attitudes on some things, they're not all on the right side of the fence politically/socially (IMO). I'm not proud of every individual, and there are people I'm more distance from. But, I can see the benefits of core attachment principals (the theory, not parenting style) throughout the generations in terms of how family is treated. And I think each generation for the most part has gotten better at parenting because we had a decent (if imperfect and slightly cracked in places) foundation.
However, there are pockets of exceptions. I grew up in a white, working to middle class family in the Midwest. Both sides of my family come from large farming communities with a sprinkling of white collar workers and professionals in there.
Anyway, my point is that both sides of my family genuinely appreciate children. They weren't "crunchy" by any means, I wasn't breastfed, or worn, and gentle parenting wasn't really a thing. But, I can definitely see healthy attachments between parents and their children overall. Because the adults like kids, love holding babies, enjoy interacting with kids of all ages, and generally treat them like human beings and integral parts of the family. All ages mingle at family gatherings. All my Boomer aunts and uncles-as well as the Silent Generation greats-- are the best grandparents, with close relationships with their own adult children.
And it's this fundamental attitude that I found lacking in the larger culture around me, where children and babies are considered a nuisance and a burden. I would call this attitude the fundamentals of "attachment"-- overall responding to and caring about your kids' needs and not dismissing them. Which can be completely separate to the "attachment parenting" choices about feeding, sleeping, etc. I do agree that the AP behaviors help develop that attitude (and made life much easier for me as a parent), but they are the tools to get there, rather than "the thing" itself.
My family certainly isn't perfect... some dysfunctional communication, less than ideal parenting decisions and attitudes on some things, they're not all on the right side of the fence politically/socially (IMO). I'm not proud of every individual, and there are people I'm more distance from. But, I can see the benefits of core attachment principals (the theory, not parenting style) throughout the generations in terms of how family is treated. And I think each generation for the most part has gotten better at parenting because we had a decent (if imperfect and slightly cracked in places) foundation.
@ell3bee No offense, I was expecting this to be very different based on the title! Filipino moms tend to be very tough and 'mean'. (My mom and aunties are my reference for that). And even watching filipino shows growing up, they straight up depicted child abuse when a child misbehaved. It freaked me out. And that kind of 'tough love' is what makes me want to parent my children with a different mindset!
this was the positive parts of parenting. Although I gotta say my parents did an awesome job for the most part of breaking the cycle of toxic Filipino parenting too!hocdmonster
New member
@ell3bee This is so nice to read. I am trying to raise my baby this way. I’m white and my husband is half Jamaican. Surprisingly, it’s his mom (jamaican) that is the biggest advocate of “independence” and letting the baby cry. Because it’s so normal here in the US to have a more detached style, sometimes I’ve felt crazy for insisting that I respond to her cries and be there for her always when she needs me.
@hocdmonster Oh yes, I’ve seen a few of my Jamaican peers also employ the detached parenting style (but always it’s to save mom’s sanity, looks different for everyone for sure). But that’s what bothers me, is when people make you feel less than when you follow attachment parenting. Like what? My mind and body is telling me to check on my baby but instead other adults insist on gaslighting a whole baby 
and then making us feel like crap for responding appropriately. And then if we try to set boundaries around how we parent, sometimes we’re the bad guy 
. Make it make sense!!!
and then making us feel like crap for responding appropriately. And then if we try to set boundaries around how we parent, sometimes we’re the bad guy . Make it make sense!!!cameronb67
New member
@cameronb67 This is the thing. I honestly have no experience on having no village and therefore don’t have much advice. But I think getting overwhelmed and showing emotions is imperative in raising empathetic kids too. You just gotta take accountability for your actions and show them that, as a parent, it’s also ok to make mistakes as long as you recognize that mistake and apologize after. I think just do your best with what you can on your own, while reminding your babies that they are loved—I think that is the MOST important. And take the necessary breaks regardless!!!
@ell3bee I was born and raised in the Philippines too and moved to the US about 10 years ago. I have a 5 month old with my American husband and found this sub just a few months ago. I didn't know that what I wanted to do was called Attachment Parenting but it's what I've gravitated to and works for us. I can relate to most of what you've written.
Sadly I have a small village with some relatives an hour away but my mom is coming over to visit & meet her first grandson soon so I'm excited about that.
Sadly I have a small village with some relatives an hour away but my mom is coming over to visit & meet her first grandson soon so I'm excited about that.
sunwinmacao
New member
@ell3bee I really appreciate this post, thank you for sharing! I actually shared it with my husband, who’s white American, and we had a good discussion on it. My family is Chinese from the Philippines; i was born and raised here in the States though and my mom missed her “village”. But I had a partial one as a kid. My uncle has made the comment you mention in point 9. My mom has a hammock she really wants us to have; baby is already 1yr now but i think any age would love that. Just need to figure out where i can hang it!
I’ve been doing a lot of attachment style, drawing from my childhood. I only got my own bed when i was 12 YEARS old. We will probably stop cosleeping earlier than that, but I do mix Western style a little - my mom says “we really baby our babies in the Philippines” and spoonfeedimg for a long time is common, she said. I’m instead doing baby led weaning, which terrorized her for the first 5 months of it. Baby is doing well with it so far. I won’t go point for point, my comment is already very long.
I have worked pretty hard to convince my husband all of this is okay. That most of the world raised babies like this and they’re not weird for it, in fact I think the US is weird for denying instinct so much. I did try to follow some of it in the early days, and it was making me insane with anxiety, it felt so wrong. I’m going to read more about elimination communication (how to) and just borrowed the book you mention from the library. I’m excited to read and see what holes in my knowledge can be filled; i don’t really have role models for this to look at around me. Plus, it requires a lot of trust from my husband to just trust me, this style will work and work well. He did not grow up like this and it’s all foreign. I’m hoping the book can give me more evidence than just “i know this is the way because it was good for me as a kid”.
I’ve been doing a lot of attachment style, drawing from my childhood. I only got my own bed when i was 12 YEARS old. We will probably stop cosleeping earlier than that, but I do mix Western style a little - my mom says “we really baby our babies in the Philippines” and spoonfeedimg for a long time is common, she said. I’m instead doing baby led weaning, which terrorized her for the first 5 months of it. Baby is doing well with it so far. I won’t go point for point, my comment is already very long.
I have worked pretty hard to convince my husband all of this is okay. That most of the world raised babies like this and they’re not weird for it, in fact I think the US is weird for denying instinct so much. I did try to follow some of it in the early days, and it was making me insane with anxiety, it felt so wrong. I’m going to read more about elimination communication (how to) and just borrowed the book you mention from the library. I’m excited to read and see what holes in my knowledge can be filled; i don’t really have role models for this to look at around me. Plus, it requires a lot of trust from my husband to just trust me, this style will work and work well. He did not grow up like this and it’s all foreign. I’m hoping the book can give me more evidence than just “i know this is the way because it was good for me as a kid”.