When is it safe to let young kids spend the night as someone else's?

[jasonavery08]

Hello y'all,n thank you for this community! I wish to now if there is a scientifically proven age when being put to sleep by someone else than the parents is good for developement - or even appropriate.

For context: My and my partner have a 14 month old girl. I am staying at home right now, still breastfeeds, she sleeps pretty okay but it's hard to put her to sleep (she loves her rooms she just doesn't want us to go) but sleeps with us some hours in the early morning if she's teething or we travel (both were happening here).

We just came back from visiting my SIL and her husband who have 3 kids (5 yo F, 4 yo M, 22 month old F). We volunteered to babysit them two times during our stay and put them to bed. Both time it was a struggle to put the 22 month old to sleep, the second time she was in active panic, wanted to stay at the door waiting and made her siblings cry and all anxious while they seemed fine before.

SIL's husband said that it was time to "cut the ombilical cord" and reprimended them for giving us a hard time, saying "you should get used to it, mommy and daddy won't always be there 24/7, we always come back, don't we?". SIL is the type of instagram-worthy, high energy high achieving mom who says that her life is great and nothing is a struggle so I couldn't really talk to her and my concerns fell on deaf ears.

They proposed to also babysit our girl and put them to sleep (at this point we were with them in the same house for 4 days so it was not a totally strange place with totally strange people) and we accepted, thinking it will "do her good" (in retrospective, I don't know why I thought that). Our girl went to sleep just fine but woke up in the night and it was quite horrible as they told us. SIL then asked me if she was put to sleep by other people before and I told them yes but when she was 9 month old (it was her grandma that she had more time to know then), so it's been quite a while. SIL told me that yeah, when babies are not accustomed to it, it becomes a struggle for a long time, suggesting that we should have done this a long time ago.

Now I am spiralling, thinking I missed something important for my girl's wellbeing and that even if we prepare the event well in advance, me and her father will not be able to go out somewhere without her for... I dunno how many years.

Please put my head straight if you can.

 

[gpochat]

@jasonavery08 This is pure anecdotal, but when my son was 15 months he spend the night at my parents for the first time, and the situation was very unplanned as the reason was that I was admitted to the hospital with my partner (for a medical induction of a second trimester pregnancy loss ). He did really well and slept through the night without issue. Since then he’s spend the night there on two other occasions. So in my limited experience don’t worry. Of course my son is very accustomed to my parents already as they babysit him an afternoon ever week, so when you try again I think it’s a good idea to find someone that takes care of her regularly and not just for a few days.

 

[ethan123a]

@gpochat I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[guevaraj]

@jasonavery08 Safety is a spectrum not a binary. There is not a scientifically proven age where being put to sleep by someone else is appropriate. You don’t need science to validate the choice you want to make for your kid and your family - you can just choose what you want.

Practices vary around the world and within families. In much of the world, it’s common for childcare to be a shared responsibility between many family members (direct and extended) and many people put them to bed. In many parts of the world, coalescing with one or both parents is standard through adolescence if not longer. In other parts, individuating is more prioritized and kids are in their own rooms from birth.

Aside from safety at infant age, there’s no right or wrong in these choices - they’re just different and that’s fine. It’s not a problem unless it’s a problem for you.

 

[dea10001]

@jasonavery08 Anecdotal, but My kids sleep at my mom's once a week since i went back to work at 4m PP due to my partner's and my schedules overlapping once a week. (i leave at 5am he gets home at 7-8 am).
I nurse to sleep (still do the youngest and sometimes the oldest) and breastfeed (mostly the youngest)

My kids are currently 2 and 3yo and anyone not being mom/dad or grandma/granddad putting them down is an issue, and we try to avoid it. And that's normal because at these ages when they're completely or mostly dependent on you for basically everything, I feel it's about trust.

Regular putdowns with someone who they know in a place they're familiar in because that person cares for them regularly will always be different than putdowns with someone they've only sporadically seen or have just met at a strange place.

Sleep at my mom's is about the same as sleep at home BTW. There's good days and bad days. Easy nights and loads of wakeups. My youngest still cries when I leave, my eldest doesn't anymore.

 

[shell]

@jasonavery08 When they can speak and understand bad touch. I went to plenty of sleepovers when I was 5-11 years old and was fine. Honestly, you never sleep well in a foreign place, so it shouldn't be shocking that a young child doesn't sleep well. But as long as they can tell you they feel uncomfortable and can ask for you to come get them if they need you, it's chill. Sometimes, you need to tell them to suck it up (I had a bit of anxiety, but it passed after a few hours) but you will know when your child needs to be picked up and when they're just a little anxious due to unfamiliarity. I'm not so sure about younger children who can not speak. I would keep that to grandparents and trusted siblings until they can speak.

 

[sh419ob]

@jasonavery08 Following this!