christian_follower
New member
Hi everyone! I guess I just need to hear a bit of encouragement. 33 y.o ftm, 4.5 PP via c section. This turned out long so no need to read all of it. I just needed to feel seen.
Ive been crying since Wednesday everyday and have been feeling depressed for weeks. I absolutely loathe my body and just how I feel. Pre-pregnancy, I was very fit and an athlete. I was running 10 miles, did BJJ and competing, pole dancing and Lyra and performing, and was proud of all the crazy things my body could do. I absolutely loved myself and my body. I trained something every single day so not doing these things has been a massive life changing shift. Doing these things made my job easier to manage the intensity of it (school counselor so lots of heavy emotions regularly on my nervous system).
Now, not so much. During my pregnancy, I developed SPD which has stayed full force postpartum. This caused a hip misalignment where my physio had to pull my leg so that the hip can go back in place. This misalignment caused many physical issues. Going from Running regularly to relearning how to walk was a mind fuck. It’s been much better but I still can’t run or jump or even pivot (turn on one foot) and I can’t do many things on the floor due to discomfort with the SPD. I also have diastasis recti. Thankfully my physio has been amazing so I went from walking with pain to now walking regularly and my diastasis went from 4 fingers to just a little over one, so I have to acknowledge the improvement. My core is getting stronger and she has approved lifting at the gym just so that I could feel a little normal. I am also going up and down the stairs better as well. I’m also walking faster as well.
Yet still, I’m just not happy. I feel like an 80 year old woman. I’m 30 pounds above my prepregnancy weight. I hate the way I look and feel. I still look 5 months pregnant. I’ve been exercising and lifting 4-5x a week for an hour and am counting calories and measuring my food. I’m lifting pretty heavy too while also being careful due to my hips. So far I only lost 3 pounds in 2 months. I just wear HUGE clothes to cover up so that I don’t see my body in the mirror. I also have insomnia and have to take a few sleepaids to stay asleep (my baby sleeps through the night and I’m not breastfeeding) I feel like my hormones are wrecked and a mess and it feels like I am PMSing 24-7. My period is super irregular and I have no idea when it’s going to come (started getting my period in November). I honestly don’t think I’d feel as bad about the weight if I didn’t have these physical issues where I just experience constant disappointment and pain. I also have random thoughts about my body not knowing how to give birth which resulted in an emergency c section so it adds to the disappointment I feel about my body (I know it’s irrational thoughts and I’m happy I got a c section). The c section recovery was unexpectedly traumatic, I was in so much pain that I remember standing there while struggling to move and internally screaming how much I hate my body. I absolutely love my c section scar though.
I just don’t feel like myself and have this dreaded feeling that I’ll never be normal again. Its hard watching all my pole and bjj friends training and increasing their skill while I could barely do the basics. My bf shares the same hobbies and owns an MMA gym (it’s a massive part of our lives) so it’s in my face regularly and it’s also hard to see how little he was impacted by becoming a father. It’s recently been impacting my work and it’s hard to take care of a whole school while feeling so horrible and low. I honestly just want to quit my job of how low I feel and just rest and recover and only worry about taking care of myself and my little family. I think going back to work has pushed me to a dark place especially because I’m away from my baby and is the only reminder I have as to why I’m going through all of this. I messaged my OB about getting blood work done and figure out some fixes for the insomnia, see for vitamin deficiencies, maybe even get evaluated for PPD. Like my issues feel beyond just physical and I can’t describe it. I also don’t know anyone that has experienced SPD postpartum so I’d love to hear that I’m not alone and that it does go away eventually.
I just feel trapped and suffocated, that’s the best way to describe this. I can’t just outrun my body. It’s like I’m frozen in time while everyone’s life continues to progress. I’m beginning to accept and tell myself that I may never be able to do the things I love anymore and stop trying so hard to feel normal and accept it.
My baby is amazing and so beautiful. I truly got lucky with this unicorn baby. My bf is an incredible father and does everything. He is legit an equal partner. Whenever he’s home, he fully takes over and is insistent on doing all night wakings since he knows I can’t sleep properly and have to get to work early. He also does all the cooking and food shopping. I just don’t feel like I have anything to offer him and that my baby doesn’t need me. I just don’t feel essential. If I’m gone, I know the baby is always perfectly fine and well taken care of with his dad.
And in all, I don’t show anyone that I’m struggling so not many people know. I am in therapy but I don’t know how helpful it is. I’m giving it time. Anyways thank you for reading, I just needed to put this somewhere and let it out so that I can go to work and save the world. If anyone has had a similar experience and has come out of the other side, I’d love to hear your journey. I know that the only answer to all of this is time.
Ive been crying since Wednesday everyday and have been feeling depressed for weeks. I absolutely loathe my body and just how I feel. Pre-pregnancy, I was very fit and an athlete. I was running 10 miles, did BJJ and competing, pole dancing and Lyra and performing, and was proud of all the crazy things my body could do. I absolutely loved myself and my body. I trained something every single day so not doing these things has been a massive life changing shift. Doing these things made my job easier to manage the intensity of it (school counselor so lots of heavy emotions regularly on my nervous system).
Now, not so much. During my pregnancy, I developed SPD which has stayed full force postpartum. This caused a hip misalignment where my physio had to pull my leg so that the hip can go back in place. This misalignment caused many physical issues. Going from Running regularly to relearning how to walk was a mind fuck. It’s been much better but I still can’t run or jump or even pivot (turn on one foot) and I can’t do many things on the floor due to discomfort with the SPD. I also have diastasis recti. Thankfully my physio has been amazing so I went from walking with pain to now walking regularly and my diastasis went from 4 fingers to just a little over one, so I have to acknowledge the improvement. My core is getting stronger and she has approved lifting at the gym just so that I could feel a little normal. I am also going up and down the stairs better as well. I’m also walking faster as well.
Yet still, I’m just not happy. I feel like an 80 year old woman. I’m 30 pounds above my prepregnancy weight. I hate the way I look and feel. I still look 5 months pregnant. I’ve been exercising and lifting 4-5x a week for an hour and am counting calories and measuring my food. I’m lifting pretty heavy too while also being careful due to my hips. So far I only lost 3 pounds in 2 months. I just wear HUGE clothes to cover up so that I don’t see my body in the mirror. I also have insomnia and have to take a few sleepaids to stay asleep (my baby sleeps through the night and I’m not breastfeeding) I feel like my hormones are wrecked and a mess and it feels like I am PMSing 24-7. My period is super irregular and I have no idea when it’s going to come (started getting my period in November). I honestly don’t think I’d feel as bad about the weight if I didn’t have these physical issues where I just experience constant disappointment and pain. I also have random thoughts about my body not knowing how to give birth which resulted in an emergency c section so it adds to the disappointment I feel about my body (I know it’s irrational thoughts and I’m happy I got a c section). The c section recovery was unexpectedly traumatic, I was in so much pain that I remember standing there while struggling to move and internally screaming how much I hate my body. I absolutely love my c section scar though.
I just don’t feel like myself and have this dreaded feeling that I’ll never be normal again. Its hard watching all my pole and bjj friends training and increasing their skill while I could barely do the basics. My bf shares the same hobbies and owns an MMA gym (it’s a massive part of our lives) so it’s in my face regularly and it’s also hard to see how little he was impacted by becoming a father. It’s recently been impacting my work and it’s hard to take care of a whole school while feeling so horrible and low. I honestly just want to quit my job of how low I feel and just rest and recover and only worry about taking care of myself and my little family. I think going back to work has pushed me to a dark place especially because I’m away from my baby and is the only reminder I have as to why I’m going through all of this. I messaged my OB about getting blood work done and figure out some fixes for the insomnia, see for vitamin deficiencies, maybe even get evaluated for PPD. Like my issues feel beyond just physical and I can’t describe it. I also don’t know anyone that has experienced SPD postpartum so I’d love to hear that I’m not alone and that it does go away eventually.
I just feel trapped and suffocated, that’s the best way to describe this. I can’t just outrun my body. It’s like I’m frozen in time while everyone’s life continues to progress. I’m beginning to accept and tell myself that I may never be able to do the things I love anymore and stop trying so hard to feel normal and accept it.
My baby is amazing and so beautiful. I truly got lucky with this unicorn baby. My bf is an incredible father and does everything. He is legit an equal partner. Whenever he’s home, he fully takes over and is insistent on doing all night wakings since he knows I can’t sleep properly and have to get to work early. He also does all the cooking and food shopping. I just don’t feel like I have anything to offer him and that my baby doesn’t need me. I just don’t feel essential. If I’m gone, I know the baby is always perfectly fine and well taken care of with his dad.
And in all, I don’t show anyone that I’m struggling so not many people know. I am in therapy but I don’t know how helpful it is. I’m giving it time. Anyways thank you for reading, I just needed to put this somewhere and let it out so that I can go to work and save the world. If anyone has had a similar experience and has come out of the other side, I’d love to hear your journey. I know that the only answer to all of this is time.
so glad you had a better time this time! I’m terrified of going through another pregnancy and postpartum while also working. I just don’t want to go through this again especially with the job I have. But this gives me hope that it could be different the second time around. Thank you for your insight!!