What things should I discuss with the father of my child before going full no-contact?

[elifrye]

I am currently 4 months pregnant. The my ex/the father of the baby and I had a very rocky breakup and he has requested no contact with me as well as asking to not be involved with the baby in any capacity.

We are attempting to keep it as amicable as possible and going through the process of mediated conversations with a professional to fully iron out details of the arrangement. He clearly cares (to some extent) about the safety and security of our son and is willing to cooperate in some forms, but after we have finished conversations we will be parting ways.

My question is: what things should we iron out and discuss before going full no contact? Obviously child support, legally forfeiting custody, the involvement of the baby’s grandparents (I like his mother a lot and I’m hoping she’d be open to meeting the baby) and I’m also hoping to discuss significant family medical history on his side in case there’s anything important (I’m adopted so unfortunately I have 0 record or knowledge besides things I can be concretely tested for, so this is important to me). What other significant things do you all think are worth discussing before fully transitioning into single parenting?

Please no advice on the details current situation— it is unfortunately very complicated and I don’t have the energy at this point to go into it.

 

[timur]

@elifrye My advice is that you forfeit child support and have him legally terminate his parental rights. Otherwise you’re at risk of him changing his mind and fighting for parenting time, which he will likely get.

 

[rhettryder]

@timur Came here to say this.

 

[elifrye]

@timur I have thought of that but I truly don’t believe it’s going to happen, especially considering 1) his involvement up until now and 2) his obvious desire not to be involved at all. And truthfully I would be open to a discussion about parenting time with him, if I’m honest, but I don’t see it happening.

 

[shasta4737]

@elifrye You should still require he give up his legal rights.

Years from now, you will thank yourself for having control over the choice to allow him to come back into the child's life.

If you leave that door open, you have no control.

It sounds great now. But 10 years from now? You've moved on, your son has no idea who he is, and he's been raised by you and a stepfather figure. (just one possible scenario). Now bio dad wants back in. If he still has legal rights, you can't ignore him. He can drag you to court and force you to spend thousands on legal fees.

 

[charmstar4]

@shasta4737 Agree with this. Imagine you get a dream job offer across the country - if he wished to exercise parental rights down the line, it could impact your ability to determine the best path for you and your child.

 

[sayitstraight]

@shasta4737 Yeah, I agree with this… if he gives up legal rights, then he is truly getting what he wants ‘no contact’. But if everything is amicable, there’s no reason why in the future, he couldn’t still have some sort of visitation. It’s just that you’re not required to by the law if he gives up his legal rights.

 

[elifrye]

@shasta4737 While I appreciate these comments and understanding they’re coming from a place of concern and experience, they’re leaning a bit too much off the topic that I have asked for and a bit more into “advice about the situation.” There are a lot of extenuating circumstances that I am not looking to currently explain at the moment which is why I made that note in my original post. Again, not trying to be rude at all and I appreciate it but I’d really like to stick to my original question of specifically things to discuss and as I’ve made clear I am planning on continuing with child support. Thank you

 

[abeaba]

@elifrye You know best, I understand where other peoples concern is coming from regarding him changing his mind but if you don't think he will then stick with that. I'm in a similar scenario - separated at 4 months, he wants no contact. I've got a couple of pictures of him as a child and as an adult in case my baby (who is currently 3 days overdue) is curious. I'll also try to keep up to date contact information in case my child wishes to make contact in the future (I hope he doesn't, as I don't think the father will want to know). The grandmother wants contact but I'm reluctant- like you I don't believe the father will ever change his mind, but there is more of a chance if the grandmother is involved. Also I have concerns about the effect on my baby of having contact with one member of the family but not the other. It's tough and there's no right or wrong, it depends on individual circumstance. But yeah I just wanted to say if you believe he won't change his mind, stick with that and don't give up the child support if you need it for financial stability.

 

[beginningtowonder]

@elifrye Maybe get a genetic swab from him, like 23 and me, for ancestry and health insights for your son?

 

[elifrye]

@beginningtowonder I hadn’t thought of that! Thank you.

 

[deetbug]

@elifrye As a single mom, who wishes she had asked this, before her divorce. 1/2 of all medical expenses paid for the child until they graduate college. Child support through high school graduation or college, whichever comes last. A $250k life insurance policy to be maintained by both parents, with the other parent listed as the beneficiary until the child graduates high school or college.

Mine was through high school and he seems to think that his obligations ended, so they both will need student loans to make up what I can't cover...which sucks, especially knowing how much he makes compared to me. I do have the half of med expense paid, which has been a lifesaver. One $800 er bill would have sent me over the edge if he hadnt paid half. I keep a running total in Google and copies of the bills that I've paid and email it to him once the balance is over $300. He usually sends it right away. I also text him if I know there is a big medical expense coming up so he is aware of the upcoming cost.

 

[elifrye]

@deetbug Thank you so much. I will make sure to discuss this

 

[upitnik]

@elifrye I kinda feel like you have all the FYI stuff covered, as for the medical questions, Id talk to a Dr about any specific questions that may be important to ask. Thats the only really useful need to know info that could make life a lot easier at any point in the future if theres ever a medical situation to deal with, both as a child and as they grow into an adult.

I was in a similar situation, my kid was an infant at last contact, though I hadnt actually seen him since when I was pregnant. Got child support set up, never had to contact him about anything through the years, if there were issues the agency contacted him. I asked him for medical info, needed lots of specific info cause kiddo was born with some issues and I was dealing with a lot of questions from doctors. Didnt see or talk to him again for another 20+ years when my kid met his siblings at an event, and the dad was there. We did fine.

 

[elifrye]

@upitnik Thank you so much for your comment. It makes me feel a lot more optimistic about the future

 

[katrina2017]

@elifrye I was in a similar situation while pregnant. Even though it sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders and tremendous maturity, I’m sorry you’re going through this. For me there were two paths to make sure I covered. What to do legally, and what I believed I should do morally. Screen shot any and all texts, call logs, and keep a record of contact. Without a paternity test you can keep him off BC. Unless/until your child is legally adopted by another adult he can contest custody. I wish you well and a healthy and happy pregnancy.

 

[whoisdiss]

@elifrye Medical support

 

[mpax38]

@elifrye Depending on your state, if not married he has no custody of the child even if on birth certificate (fucked up I know, I learned the hard way when my wife dipped with my kid....). Check ur state tho

But since he has no desire on being a father then yes child support is all that really matters. Financial contributions. He's Essentially purchasing his free time. You either invest time or money (or both) as a parent. He chose just money

 

[myle08]

@elifrye I just want to give you big props for handling all of this so maturely and with legal help. Even if you don't get the medical history now, you know where to go if there is ever a reason to know more.

 

[timaeus]

@elifrye I would ask him whether his No Contact with you extends to the child when they turn 18, and if there is anything that he would like to give the child to a) relay any information or feelings (like a letter) or b) assist with a search (ie which DNA test to take like 23and me or ancestry). I would ask for a DNA sample for medical purposes (a complete genetic profile can be run, and can be from saliva or hair). I would also ask if he’s willing to have contact with the child or for the benefit of the child in the event of an emergency, especially should he prefer the no contact extend to his family (ie if a transplant is necessary) and how that would work logistically.

These sound like extreme situations, but they happen more often than we’d like.