He thought I was saying I’d tell my nutrition class that he wasn’t eating beans but I was just going to tell them you can’t force anyone to eat things. It was a misunderstanding but before I finished my sentence instantly he was throwing things saying he hates it here and wants to leave and called me an inappropriate thing and swore a lot. I’ve been texting him through about reconciling and he said he didn’t want to talk about it.
What do I do or say when teen has a big tantrum w f bombs and calls me names and says hurtful things bc he’s upset?
- Thread starter zenos777
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candleleigh
New member
@zenos777 First focus on co-regulating his emotions. When you are sure he is back to a neutral state, clear up the miscommunication and address the boundaries and expectations around what kind of language is ok to use when upset. Tell him you understand that it’s hard to control impulses when triggered but it’s an important skill to keep working on. Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean he’s not responsible for the impact of his words. Give him steps to repair the damage while making it clear that no repair is as good as not violating a boundary in the first place. Try to keep any shaming out of the conversation, and if he does start to express shame over his own behavior let him know it’s good to realize the impact of your actions even if it’s after the fact but it’s important to move forward not beat yourself up.
@candleleigh Thank you! 
@zenos777 The prefrontal cortex only gets better at inhibiting people from saying dumb things when they practice using that skill.
As an adult we would expect him to be patient and communicate better. Let him know the expectations. And tell him next time he should try to develop that part of his brain that will prevent outbursts. It just takes practice.
As an adult we would expect him to be patient and communicate better. Let him know the expectations. And tell him next time he should try to develop that part of his brain that will prevent outbursts. It just takes practice.
@b4jesus93 Thank you
andrey1987
New member
@zenos777 Breathing helps me. I give him some time. It could be a few hours or a couple of days. I definitely apologize profusely if something I did led to or even contributed to the outburst.
I ask about making amends. To me this is important modeling so that he knows how to behave if he has harmed someone.
I keep other things going. So, snacks, meals. He could have been hangry.
He eventually comes around and we talk. My son is 16, by the way.
I ask about making amends. To me this is important modeling so that he knows how to behave if he has harmed someone.
I keep other things going. So, snacks, meals. He could have been hangry.
He eventually comes around and we talk. My son is 16, by the way.
@andrey1987 Thank you so much 
andrey1987
New member
beardedyouthpastor
New member
@beardedyouthpastor Thank you!
katrina2017
New member
@zenos777 First, stop teasing and poking him. Give him some respect if you want to be respected.
In the very rare cases when my teens are disrespectful (it never amounts to name calling), I tell them I don’t deserve to be disrespected, because I’m always mindful of how I treat them. I also apologize when I overstep, and they learned to do the same.
In the very rare cases when my teens are disrespectful (it never amounts to name calling), I tell them I don’t deserve to be disrespected, because I’m always mindful of how I treat them. I also apologize when I overstep, and they learned to do the same.
@zenos777 The prefrontal cortex only gets better at inhibiting people from saying dumb things when they practice using that skill.
As an adult we would expect him to be patient and communicate better. Let him know the expectations. And tell him next time he should try to develop that part of his brain that will prevent outbursts. It just takes practice.
As an adult we would expect him to be patient and communicate better. Let him know the expectations. And tell him next time he should try to develop that part of his brain that will prevent outbursts. It just takes practice.
@zenos777 I feel like there's background info here we don't have.
Teenagers very seldom have outbursts "out of the blue" as portrayed in media. Either there is something that's been simmering beneath the surface for a while, or your teen has some sort of mood disorder that needs to be regulated. The former is far, far more common than the latter.
How is your relationship normally? How old is he? Is he neurotypical?
Teenagers very seldom have outbursts "out of the blue" as portrayed in media. Either there is something that's been simmering beneath the surface for a while, or your teen has some sort of mood disorder that needs to be regulated. The former is far, far more common than the latter.
How is your relationship normally? How old is he? Is he neurotypical?
sparrowfeet
New member
@sparrowfeet Yes, they are large toddlers, but outbursts laden with cursing seldom go from 0 to 60 right away- there's some background information, something lurking, beneath the surface for a while before.
sparrowfeet
New member
@lgonz Yea there are issues from family but also context. I think all the responses here are good! Yours too. We have a good relationship but he had just come out of a couple days w his dad where he got to help dad move, set up new room there, stay home from school helping dad (which I regret exposing jealousy-driven frustration about), and he left his wireless mouse in dad’s car so he had nothing to do. Also I put pb and j for him on the artisan bread he got for himself and he wanted to toast it for cinnamon sugar and they were last four slices and he’d just finished his big carton of goldfish and he doesn’t really like anything else.
@zenos777 So it was like death from a thousand cuts, then, and it was just the one last straw that made him blow.
Once he and you have calmed enough, you need to sit down with him and discuss expressing one's emotions- cursing AT another person, particularly one you love, is completely not acceptable.
Once he and you have calmed enough, you need to sit down with him and discuss expressing one's emotions- cursing AT another person, particularly one you love, is completely not acceptable.
damarisbelieves
New member
@zenos777 I would not text. That’s not communicating. I’d go to him and start with taking his phone because he isn’t allowed to throw things and cuss at me. When he was calm enough to explain why he exploded I’d be available to talk. Besides that I’d say he’s grounded for at least the weekend. I taught middle school. I will not live with that. My kid tried it around age 13-14. He doesn’t anymore. Instead he just skips the steps and tells me why he’s mad at me ( the reasons don’t improve but the behavior can- as long as you don’t accept it).
katrina2017
New member
@damarisbelieves This is the answer. I get that teens are moody and whatnot but behaving that way? ABSOLUTELY NOT. They have every right to be upset/angry/moody or whatever (as we all are) but lashing out and acting like that wouldn’t be tolerated outside the house so why would you even let that happen inside the house because “they’re teens and testing boundaries”? Where else are they supposed to learn that they can’t act like an asshole when they feel like it?
So OP, I’d definitely start by taking that phone, sitting them down when they’re calm and talking to them/instilling rules about behaviour and respect. Be upset, be mad etc but don’t throw things or cuss. Help them find more productive ways to channel their anger/energy.
So OP, I’d definitely start by taking that phone, sitting them down when they’re calm and talking to them/instilling rules about behaviour and respect. Be upset, be mad etc but don’t throw things or cuss. Help them find more productive ways to channel their anger/energy.