What did you do?

[echo73]

I’ll try to keep the history short: So I found out while I was pregnant, that BD had cheated on me weeks before I got pregnant. The first time he claims was just before our 2 year anniversary, and the second 8 months later. I was devastated, we were cold to each other at home, but he was apologetic. We made up after about a month and a half being that way during Christmas. On my 39th week of pregnancy I caught him again being seedy online. Then 1 week postpartum caught him again talking to sex workers, exs, and a woman his boss had an emotional and physical affair with. Today, with a 2.5 month baby and hopefully at the tail end of PPD, have decided that I had enough.

My question is, should I (A) start my new job as planned, and leave next year? Or (B) clean out my savings to break the lease that ends in March, move back to my parents house which is at capacity already, find a different job and place there?
What did you do? Man or woman.

I’m deteriorating mentally by staying here. When he’s not working he goes out every chance he gets so I’m doing everything alone anyway. The rare times he is home he’s cold and childish. I just feel so depressed living in the apartment I thought was full of love and safety. Leaving this apartment also means pushing my education goals back more than I’d like.

 

[silencedogwood]

@echo73 Single dad here, my ex cheated profusely immediately after our son was born. I tried to make it work, but it kept happening. I broke the lease and moved in with my parents which ended up lasting two years. I also started a new job shortly after I moved in with them. This gave me support with my son and gave me a chance to save money faster.

My ex got her own apartment and we co-parent now with no issues. But I had to leave, I could not live with her, it was emotionally wrecking me to be around her while she did her crap and it was definitely affecting my performance at work. I had immediate relief when I moved out.

 

[echo73]

@silencedogwood The immediate relief part resonates with me because the other day I stayed with a friend only during the day, but it was a breath of fresh air to be around someone who actually cares about me. I felt the difference immediately.

 

[silencedogwood]

@echo73 It is very much that way, and especially with your parents, assuming they are supportive and likely understand the pain and chaos. Everyone's situation is slightly different depending on resources and logistics, and there will be other struggles you need to deal with. There will be good and bad days, but you've totally got this.

I'm not sure how you feel about child support, but I wouldn't feel guilty about seeking it as this man clearly did not prioritize his family. It will help tremendously when you start needing daycare.

I am sorry this happened to you.

 

[gma_93]

@echo73 I’d leave. If you have support from your parents then just leave. I did it 2 years ago and haven’t look back

 

[_anika_]

@gma_93 Same here. Two years ago. Best decision I ever made for myself and my son

 

[deandrade]

@echo73 Move to your parents. It maybe at capacity but it’s better to than being tortured emotionally staying with BD. Protect your mental health and leave now.

 

[freerangechristian]

@deandrade To me being at capacity also sounds like loads of hands to help with a new baby too! Go home to your loved ones and work on healing mama!

 

[marktina9767]

@echo73 B!!! Option B!!!! You NEVER stay in a situation like that. The child is going to get older and it's going to be harder to separate. A year gives him plenty of time to manipulate your emotions and cause so much more trauma. Leave and don't look back.

 

[echo73]

@marktina9767 You’re right it will get harder, that’s why I stopped hiding it and talked to my support system about it. Also about the manipulation too because he’s already moping “nobody understands me.” I gave him so much time and patience. I can only give so much.

 

[donevemar]

@echo73 Leave now . It’s not healthy to raise your child when you aren’t happy . Your energy while raising your child plays a big part in their personal as they grow. When my sons father cheated on me my son was only 6 months. I moved back in with my mom and grandmother and never regret that decision. I was able to have support, which I really needed at the time. I promise things will get better for you, and a man that constantly cheats doesn’t deserve you. You gave him a gift that is so much more valuable than money you gave him a child. And if he doesn’t appreciate and cherish you he doesn’t deserve to be able to even be in your presence at all.

 

[echo73]

@donevemar You’re absolutely right because today I’m so drained and exhausted. I don’t feel like I’m present for my baby like I want to be.

 

[donevemar]

@echo73 Aww and that’s exactly why I had to leave I wasn’t all there like I needed to be for my son. I was too busy checking his dads social media and worried about what he was doing . Girl go back with your family it will only be temporary untill you can stand on your own two feet by yourself and if you ever need to talk you can always message me.

 

[malwina]

@echo73 Nah fuck him. He doesn’t want to be with you. Don’t hang around. He’s not going to change. You’ll accomplish more without him.

 

[_anika_]

@echo73 I left as soon as I found a new apartment. Like you said i was basically a single mom already anyway. He never was home and when he was he did the bare minimum. Leaving was the most liberating feeling I ever felt. It’s hard of course. Being a single parent. Financially and emotionally because even though he barely helped, I could at least run errands alone or have him watch our son if I was sick. But it’s been two years now and I do not regret it at all. My son, his dad and myself are all happier this way. I didnt want to split up our family but I knew the environment was too toxic for my kid and I rather him have two homes than one toxic one. I’m sorry you’re going through this but you will be ok. Staying with family that can help out will be huge and like you said being around people you know actually love you will also help your mental health. Another year living in that environment will do a number on you. School will always be there and may even be easier to do when your baby’s older. Good luck

 

[echo73]

@_anika_ I was thinking the same that when she’s in school, it would be easier for me to be in school. My only hinderance to a new place is having six paystubs because I’d been unemployed for a while. Thank you

 

[tannerdude28]

@echo73 Moving into a family’s home and having the ability to mentally recover and get into a job is the best move. Even if that means staying with family for 6+ months, if you and your baby can do it, go. It might be a different kind of stress being in a full house and navigating raising your little one, but in the long run it’ll be the best option you have.

I stayed way too long cohabitating with a substance abusing loon who threatened to shoot my car up. I’m now 4 months into having my kids in my apartment and it’s so much better than trying to live alongside their sperm donor.

 

[savedbygrace2021]

@echo73 I left when my son was 6 months old and the relief I felt was so worth it. I was a better parent and a better person overall without the drama and stress. Looking back I wish I had of walked away during the pregnancy.

 

[echo73]

@savedbygrace2021 Me too.. Back then she was neatly packed in my belly. Now life is a mess.

 

[savedbygrace2021]

@echo73 I feel that. I thought I was doing the “right thing” by sticking it out so we could be a “family”

You live and learn, only advice I have is don’t drag it out I wish I had of snapped out of it before 6 months.