Week away at a conference, came home to feel like things were better w/o me here - venting

[lyrajean]

My job requires travel. I am away overnight 4-6 days per month plus a week per quarter. Previously I worked 1-2 overnights every week. Our daughter is 5 years old.

I returned home from a week long conference after 12 hours of travel and five hours of flight delay. Within the first two hours of being home, my partner commented when my daughter was acting up that she hadn’t acted that way all week. When one of dogs was acting, same comment. I felt like I was being blamed for their bad behavior. She was up late. The dog was asserting dominance.

I already feel guilty I was away so long. I’m exhausted and know it wasn’t easy while I was away. I snapped and suggested maybe I should just stay away. Not my best moment but it’s hard being a traveling parent and partner. Ugh.

 

[darksunshine03]

@lyrajean In my experience, children often act their worst for their mom. I’d actually be more likely to believe that 1) she was on good behavior for dad, simply acting OR 2) having you home again just sort of changed the dynamic and she was playing that. Five year olds are smart and know what they’re doing.

I’ve heard it said that mom’s are a safe place for their kids - we allow them to be their true selves and they feel they can let down their guard with us. I think this often manifests is kids behaving more poorly for their moms because they’re not under as much pressure to behave as they are in school, with a babysitter, etc. anyway- I wonder if this is what happened with your daughter.

 

[vermontmike]

@darksunshine03 As well behaved as my son was (i raised him as a single parent for most of his life), i would often hear that he is was better behaved when i was not around. It is true that when children are with their parent, they tend to be more comfortable and behave worse. It was difficult when my husband had to go to NYC for 10 days for business. Granted, our 9.5 year old (she is actually my step-daughter but i raise her as one of my own) is a handful even when he is here, i think she was slightly better behaved while he was in NYC. It is just the way they are. I'm sure it can be difficult for both of you, i have learned co-parenting is not as easy as raising a child as a single parent. Hang in there, i'm sure you're doing great even if it doesn't always feel that way! We all have those days as parents. As my co-worker sometimes says to me about difficult things ... This too shall pass.

 

[poppabear1]

@lyrajean Eek, that sounds rough. All that travel and then to come home to what must have felt like not the greatest welcome...rubbish all round. Listen, we all have days when we think 'why am I doing this?' and the family show no gratitude, or even worse. You're doing a great job showing your daughter that mums can work hard and do well. She is young and things will get better. Hugs. X

 

[timhparker]

@lyrajean Hugs that’s not easy. Maybe talk with your partner about how hurtful it is to say something like that? Mom guilt can really make words hurt worse sometimes. It might help to talk it out with your partner - sharing how traveling makes you feel guilty. They might not even be aware of that.

 

[amylovesu]

@lyrajean What did he say when you communicated this?

 

[samcee]

@lyrajean I’m sorry. That sounds like a rough welcome home.

Just putting another perspective out there: could your partner have been trying to explain that they had things under control while you were away, so you didn’t worry or think they’re an incapable parent?

 

[niq1983]

@lyrajean Sigh. This always happens when one of the parents travel. Kids turn into little saints for the home parent, and that person gets into their own routine. Second parent comes back, kids act out because now they heel free to voice stress and the stay parent routine is disrupted.

Source: my husband had to travel weekly for years. Past 3 years I have had to do 2-3 week long trips a year. My husband made those comments when I returned (I had the sense to hold my tongue back in the day). I had to point blank tell him those comments are not only not helpful, they are extremely hurtful

 

[hisgloryisgreat]

@lyrajean I know it’s hard, but on the plus side, your SO can handle things on his own! I have a similar travel schedule and it’s so nerve wracking for me every time I go out of town because of the amount of prep I have to do. My SO is a wonderful dad, but he just doesn’t have to deal with making breakfasts, picking out clothes, packing lunches, or combing hair. He also doesn’t cook dinners for the most part. I also coordinate all of the carpool and school event scheduling and I’m always waiting for the inevitable call about something screwing up. I also have to coordinate babysitting for extra evening help because my SO goes to night school. I know it stings, but don’t feel guilty—kids get thrown off easily and my kids are always acting up when I get home from travel. You should talk to your husband though if he feels resentful; don’t let that simmer unaddressed if it’s an issue. You’re doing great by taking care of your family and yourself (career).

 

[christianmedic]

@lyrajean It’s literally been proven scientifically that kids act up more around mom. It’s because - and I’m obvs simplifying - they know you’ll tolerate anything and still love them after. It means they feel safe. So it sucks, but it’s totally normal.