Two Kids and my toddler keeps hitting my baby

[devaofprayze]

I am strugglin right now. I am a SAHM with two kids, a 2.5 yo, A, and a baby who is 6 m, F. Right now, A is having trouble letting F explore anything, even if it isn't A's toy/item (ex. A door to the parents bathroom). A is getting very violent and has started biting, hitting and kicking. Recently, this has been leaving marks on F's head and face, and F is clearly getting hurt to some degree whenever it happens.

We have tried telling her that feeling angry or frustrated etc is okay, but hitting/kicking/biting is not. We try to give A alternatives such as getting mom/dad to help get the toy from F, hitting/biting a stuffed toy, grabbing an emotional support toy, etc. but none of that has been working.

We have resorted to time outs in a chair. I really hate doing that because i feel like it is treating the action instead of the cause, if that makes sense?

What are some ways to help, but also keep everyone safe?

 

[path89]

@devaofprayze My kids are 14 months apart and my oldest just loves to shove/push his sister down. I always do a time out if he doesn’t stop after the first warning. It’s not a behavior I want to entertain at all and I think it is a perfect opportunity for time out as a consequence. I heard someone say gentle parenting is for gentle kids and I couldn’t agree more my son is very rough and could definitely hurt my youngest even if it is on accident. I don’t want him to think it’s something he can get away with. A lot of other things I am pretty lax about but physically hurting someone is not one of those things.

 

[siskin]

@devaofprayze Is your toddler possibly acting this way out of jealousy? Are they getting enough alone time with you and/or playtime to get energy out?

I often have to reset my kid somewhere else when he resorts to hitting. Usually a walk outside or some rough and tumble playtime will stop his acting out but I only have one kiddo so I haven’t dealt a lot with possible jealousy myself.

 

[devaofprayze]

@siskin Sometimes it is for sure jealousy, especially when it comes to dad. We try to explain that daddy can love BOTH kids equally, and that F can still get hugs and cuddles, but that doesn't mean A is any less loved. Im not sure how else we can help?

A is able to play with me by themselves for 2-3 hours minimum a day. She doesn't get to see daddy a lot, as he has work until 5 and A goes to bed at 7:30.

 

[siskin]

@devaofprayze Aww yeah, it could be a little bit of jealousy then with dad. Maybe a special dad trip to the grocery store or the park on the weekend just one on one could help. I know my son was really rough with me for a while and we started planning some dad time on the weekend and it made a big difference.

Explanations were really tough on my kiddo until recently, and even now we struggle a little at 3. I continue to enforce the same things, same phrases but the impulse control is still almost zero. He does love to be a helper though, so you could try some redirection to helping with the little one and that could help shape what your expectations are.

Hang in there!! I’m sure things will continue to get better with time. Turning 3 has come with a lot of big changes for us and a lot of noticeable maturity so hopefully just around the corner for you.

 

[gjmoody69]

@devaofprayze I don’t have a kid in your age range yet (only 1 15 MO) but a friend of mine gave me great advice that might help A feel loved and special. It was to pick true things you love about the child and tell them something everyday. You can do it with both kids. “I love you A because x personality trait and I love your sibling 6MO because y personality trait. I just love you both so much.” It helps them feel unique and special to hear why you love them and reaffirmed you see them for who they are.

 

[tripp1523]

@devaofprayze I remember these days. My kids are about the same age apart. For a while I couldn’t leave them in a room together alone for a even a minute or the older one would push the younger (just learned to sit) over. What helped was them both getting older. My older son needed maturity to understand why that was really not ok, and my younger daughter needed to get big enough to fight back a bit, as bad as that sounds. But then I had to teach her why biting was not ok! I really just didn’t leave them alone together for a long time. For a while it was just constant supervision and correction.
Now they’re four and two and things are much much better. They have figured out how to actually play together and it’s mostly wonderful. Mostly.

 

[devaofprayze]

@tripp1523 Thank you so much! Its encouraging that it will pass eventually

 

[andrew36]

@devaofprayze Struggling big time here too- 28 month old being rough, headbutting and hitting 4 month old. We were in the ER a couple of week ago because he headbutted baby so hard we were worried about skull fracture or concussion (she's okay!). Open to any advice.

 

[fxfdriver]

@devaofprayze We had this too - same age gap. It's a hard phase!

What worked for us was no attention at first for older child when she hurt the younger one. I think if they are feeling left out even negative attention can be seen as something they want. So after every incident:
1. Lots of fuss and cuddles for younger child and I'd announce that I was going to take her somewhere different (other side of room, cuddle up on sofa off floor etc) to keep her safe. Would do that for 2-3 mins until youngest happy.
2. With youngest in safe place have a big cuddle with oldest and say that I wasn't mad. That I could see she was angry/frustrated/sad and I know how hard it is when you feel that way.
3. I would give her a different choice (squash cushions/teddies, kick a ball, jump around outside, have a dance party, etc)
4. Before new activity, we need to say sorry to baby for hurting her. I would ask the oldest if she wanted to say sorry to the baby herself or if she wanted me to help her. That could be saying sorry, kiss/cuddle, bringing her toy back, etc, depending on the situation.

Seperately from these times, I made sure both kids got 1:1 quality time with each parent. Even just 15-20 mins a day of story time or play time helped. Particularly if it was playtime with a special toy that the baby was too young for. Screen time (essential for getting dinner made) seemed to make it worse. So I tried to cut this down to a maximum of 20 mins per day.

Now I have a 3.5 and a 1.5 year old. Sometimes it's the 3.5 year old getting the attention because she's been hurt by the littlest!!

 

[devaofprayze]

@fxfdriver Thank you so much for this! I will definitely give it a try

 

[dangtt1]

@devaofprayze We have two the same age and have exactly the same situation. Getting angry and time outs aren’t working for us and we can’t see a correlation between jealousy and lack of attention with the 2.5yo to justify it.
We’re at a loss too!