Toddler seems acutely upset by getting ‘in trouble’

[christianmiguel]

For behavioral discipline, we use ‘time-in’s’ with our nearly 4 y/o. This looks like going to a book nook corner, calming down, being mindful, and discussing whatever had just happened. At daycare, they do time outs.

I feel like lately, when I say we are going to do a time-in, he gets nearly hysterical about being told that he did something that should be done differently. Maybe I am projecting in some way, but I’d say he seems to feel like I’m saying he’s a ‘bad kid’ when we go to do a time-in.

I can’t quite figure out what might be going on here. I don’t ever talk that way. Is there a way to help him cope better?

 

[presvytera]

@christianmiguel Maybe demonstrate using it for yourself? Could say something like “I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m going to go use the calm down corner”.

 

[christianmiguel]

@presvytera This is a great idea.

 

[continualseeker]

@christianmiguel A couple of suggestions:

1. Catch him doing good a lot. Say specifically what he did that was good. You will have less incidents where he needs to act differently. Make an effort to notice small good behaviors (in particular small steps in the right direction, small improvements) and don't take good behaviors for granted.
2. Use planned ignoring instead of time-in when it is is applicable

 

[christianmiguel]

@continualseeker Thank you for these suggestions! We do use planned ignoring, which I didn’t know was called that! I’ll have to look into this more to see if there are tweaks to our technique to incorporate.

“Catch him doing good a lot” - I love this way of saying this. I think that I do this to some extent, if only bc it’s pretty exciting to see your kid doing things kindly. Still, I am aware that this isn’t a strength of mine, and that I think my mental model is generally much more defined by what he should not do, rather than what he should do. I probably need to take some time to think about how to flip that.

 

[continualseeker]

@christianmiguel This parenting expert recommends a 9 to 1 ratio of approval vs disapproval.:

https://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/10-tips-parents-defiant-children/story?id=8549664

His method is a version of the most effective parent training for reducing problem behaviors according to randomized controlled trials.

The most effective way to reduce unwanted behavior is to direct attention to the opposite. Attention is rewarding and reinforcing, it causes more of the opposite behaviors and so that it replaces and crowds out the unwanted behaviors.

 

[christianmiguel]

@continualseeker I’ll tell you I was a lot more conscientious today about pointing out the good, and it felt good. That is a ratio that I’ll probably need to strive for (assumed, I’ve never tracked this stuff but it feels higher than what I’m probably doing). Thank you for sharing this guidance!

 

[kmar123]

@christianmiguel No suggestions, but my just turned 2yo also bursts into tears and cries "trouble!" at the slightest thing. Even a completely neutral or even happy voice giving the slightest direction like "careful on there, baby!" causes a scene. And of course a stern voice where I'm enforcing a rule is even worse.

Sometimes it's hard to tell whether they're crocodile tears or not (she gets over it pretty quickly if we console her). I don't think we've even used the phrase "in trouble" with her. She doesn't get any punishments besides being removed from whatever inappropriate thing she's doing/has. So, like you, I'm sure how she got this line of thinking.

We've been consoling her in times that she's not actually in trouble. But kind of ignoring the tears when she did actually do something she knows is wrong. I just tell her that if she follows the rule of X, she won't get in trouble and I always love her blah blah.

 

[christianmiguel]

@kmar123 Glad to hear I’m not alone! Can I ask - is she in daycare? Part of this is me wondering if I should be directly addressing differences in how things are handled at daycare vs. at home.

 

[kmar123]

@christianmiguel She's home with me! That's why it's so weird cause I know she's not hearing it anywhere

 

[christianmiguel]

@kmar123 That is helpful to know! I suppose it just can happen, and relates to some other less obvious factors more than I’ve been considering.

 

[seditthis]

@kmar123 As a possibly useful perspective, I try hard not to control my 2yo when I don’t have to—and I mean, at all, because he’s sensitive to it. We can work on making him less sensitive to it when he’s 5 or 7 and has more ability to reason.

I don’t tell him to be careful, I think his own sense of body safety is great! I might ask smthg specific like “do your feet feel safe?” or “is that stable?”

When I do have to control him, I ask max 3x & then pick him up & put him where I need him to be. No scolding no emotion just “here’s what’s going to happen” & then it happens.

 

[kmar123]

@seditthis Not particularly useful haha. We all know the utility of choosing our battles with toddlers. However, there are some things that are non-negotiable. We do not hit the dog, we do not touch the stove, we hold hands in the parking lot.

 

[seditthis]

@kmar123 Oh I was specifically responding to where you tell him to “be careful”

holding hands in the parking lot isn’t a battle for me, I just do it (tight around his wrist). Touching the stove isn’t a battle cos it’s gated off when in use. I think those feel different to a toddler than being verbally told what to do (tho they still don’t love it).

but yeah i see other comments now where ppl say “why do you make him stop playing!?” and you’re like…. uh bedtime. doctor appointments.

 

[christianmiguel]

@seditthis Natural language is fun lol. I tend to try to abstract if I can, but I think it just ended up being ambiguous. We let him play with whatever is available/safe that he’s interested in, and (when not decompressing from everyday life) will try to engage him constructively while we’re doing it.

Just wanted to say I appreciate the phrasing examples you provided. I tend to say “be careful bc ‘x’ could happen” for just about any perceived risk, but I’ve read somewhere at some point (memories these days are all a fever dream lol) that that isn’t ideal.

To Otter’s point about picking battles, yes all day. The guidance I’ve gotten has been amazing, and also tbh pretty cognitively demanding. The post topic, as well as the “be careful” habit have been on my mind for a bit now, though, so I’ll have to write these tips down on all my mirrors or something til it comes a bit more naturally.

 

[seditthis]

@christianmiguel ha yeah, my mirror has stuff written on it!

 

[seditthis]

@christianmiguel also oops that otter isn’t you. you are so patient with these replies!