Today I decided to stop parenting my spouse

[bpolst]

I love my husband, he’s a great help with the kids, we have a healthy relationship, we have equal workloads, blah blah. Wanted to get that out of the way.

We’ve been together about ten years. We’ve had two kids in the past 2.5 years, and I finally made the leap to SAHP earlier this month. It’s made me reflect on a few things. I’ve realized I’ve been “parenting” my husband pretty much since I’ve known him.

There’s basic roommate conversations, like, “stop leaving your shit everywhere.” Then there’s you trying to improve someone else’s life by getting them to do things in a way you think is better for them.

Example 1. I’ve spent the past several years coaching him on how to handle his dirty clothes. “Hang it back up or it will wrinkle, unwad your socks before you put them in the hamper or they will be wet, take off your shirt X way so it doesn’t get inside out.” Every time I’ve said something, he kind of brushes it off. And then laundry takes me forever because I have to turn all his clothes the right way. Realization today, he literally doesn’t care how his clothes get put away. I finally decided I’ve had enough and I just put his clothes away however they came out. Socks all balled up, shirts inside out on hangers, pants with one leg normal and one inside out, whatever. And he literally doesn’t care. He just takes the shirt off the hanger every morning and turns it right side out. I can’t stand it knowing that they are all there inside out, but that’s a problem I need to sort out.

Example 2. He doesn’t always like what I cook for dinner and starting today IDGAF. Because things he doesn’t like include vegetables and whole grains. And I’m definitely going to keep making those things for myself and my children. I’m done lecturing him about why it’s important to eat healthy. He can eat what I cook, or not. Today, he didn’t like what I cooked, and just made himself a bowl of cheerios. It didn’t bother him. He was fine eating cheerios.

Anyway, I’m ready to start treating my spouse like my life partner and not like my third child. I don’t have the energy to be parenting him. He’s an adult. If he’s not doing something a certain way by now, he probably never will.

And I don’t know why it took me ten years to get to this conclusion, but it did, and I’m going to learn to not let those things bother me even though they totally do. Knowing his socks are just thrown haphazardly in his drawer all in damp balls makes me sick. But I’m ready to start working through that and redirect my parenting energy towards my children.

 

[axdxs]

@bpolst Last week my husband started to get frustrated because he didn't have any clean socks, and complained to me about it. I told him he should check under his desk, because I washed the ones that went in the hamper. He might be starting to get it.

 

[omandi111]

@axdxs I stopped folding my husbands laundry when I am short on time and energy. I got cheap pop up hampers from the store and I put his clean clothes in them unfolded, and put them in his office to deal with he has never complained about it, just wears the clothes straight from the hamper.

 

[unseensaviour]

@omandi111 I was over folding his clothing and reminding him to put it away, and when he didn’t it would need to be refolded. It also started to become a pile on the couch.

It reached a point when the cleaner came I just shoved it in a garbage bag (whatever clean and dirty clothing was on the couch) and put it in his study. It was a full bag. That was effective.

I now no longer fold his clothing. Just leave it in a pile for him to sort out (or else goes into a garbage bag before the cleaner comes).

 

[jillg]

@omandi111 I do this to my husband as well! He never complains either and just searches through his hamper and goes and uses his garment steamer to get the wrinkles out. My laundry folding and putting away time has been cut in half since

 

[leoneltable]

@axdxs I love this so much lol

 

[brandilynn17]

@axdxs This is the way. OP should only do laundry that’s in the state she requested. He can either comply or wash his own clothes.

Personally, I don’t fold my husband’s infinite number of socks. There are only three styles so they don’t need matching. We just have a clean underwear basket in the closet that is full of his socks and underwear, plus the occasional pair of mine that I haven’t bothered to match up.

 

[john1277]

@axdxs Under his desk

 

[brucepjr]

@bpolst Good for you. I think this is a message we get from society and depending on how or where you were raised it can be even an even stronger message that women need to mother their husbands. Expecting an adult to behave like an adult is never a wrong choice.

Maybe he should just do his own laundry too.

 

[bpolst]

@brucepjr My dichotomy is that when he is home, I want him to spend time with us and not doing his laundry. Every minute he spends doing chores is a minute I could have had to myself while he watches the kids. Ha

 

[brucepjr]

@bpolst I TOTALLY get that because I am exactly the same! Just throwing it out there if that where your pain point is. Gotta either choose the fight or let it go, right?

I do the family laundry and I tell my kids starting at age 4: I don’t turn clothes right side out and I do not check pockets. However it goes in is how it’s coming out. Personal responsibility here!

 

[bonitadan]

@brucepjr That works until there’s a tissue left in a pocket and you’re cleaning out tiny scraps from the washing machine. And it’s not even a tissue left in one of the kids’ pants…

 

[rocky24]

@brucepjr I feel that way about ironing and dry cleaning. I very rarely did it before meeting my spouse and if he wants those services he can do them himself...

 

[denise1961]

@bpolst So refreshing to see an honest post about someones own flaws that isn't self degrading. I struggle with parenting my husband too. But knowing it took you ten years and we've only been married two years I'll stop feeling so bad about it I'll keep trying, one day it will click.

 

[arno]

@bpolst Totally agree on both counts. I have never flipped my husband’s clothes right side out or any of that. Ill fold it, i dont even put it away for him (unless he is out of town).

Same with food. Early in our marriage I tried to get him to help in the kitchen (he refused) and he tried to get me to cook the same garbage food he liked (i refused). So now i cook whatever i want and he eats it without complaining.

I cant say that i am some sort of relationship expert since we are in marriage counseling but its definitely a “dont sweat the small stuff/choose your battles” thing with our spouses just as much as with our children.

 

[lpraisinghim]

@bpolst My husband has a sock problem. Like changes his socks 3+ times a day. I finally decided I was done washing and folding 1 trillion socks every week. I told him I’m folding two weeks worth of socks and if it’s that important to him to use more socks than that he can fold them himself. I put the rest in a basket in his home office. I’m not your sock slave!

 

[joshua1991]

@lpraisinghim One year for Valentine’s Day I bought my husband about 20 or so pairs of the exact same socks so that he doesn’t have to search for matching socks and he can just grab any two socks and they’d be matching. He threw all his other everyday socks away and it’s made my life so much easier. I just grab all of his freshly cleaned socks and put them in a pile and he just keeps them in a small bin in his dresser. No fuss about finding matches for either of us.

 

[lpraisinghim]

@joshua1991 We try to do this periodically, but my husband can never throw away the old socks, so he just ends up with more socks . We are working on the sock hoarding. Love the no matching/folding socks!

 

[luris]

@bpolst This is extremely healthy and mature of you.

 

[allbutnone]

@bpolst Sweet freedom, girl. It took me one failed marriage to learn this! My husband is my equal partner in life — and two adults don’t always do things (such as house chores) the exact same way. Doesn’t make one “right” and one “wrong.” As long as there’s mutual respect, love and levity, who gives an F how the clothes get folded. Or if they’re folded at all. I don’t do my husband’s laundry because of this, and you’re exactly right… he doesn’t care one bit. And that’s OK because he cares a GREAT DEAL about the important things in our world. I wish I had this perspective 10 years ago… it takes time!