Tips For Preparing Younger Kids Re: Your New S.O.?

[sjrnr]

Hi all. I (M,45) am approaching the 6-month mark with a woman (43) I've been dating exclusively since late January. We've met adult members of each others' families, and I met her son (14) last week. All of the meetings have gone really well, and our respective families have been very accepting of us. Now we work towards her meeting my 2 children (M, 10 & F, 7). I've purposely slow-paced this because this would be the first woman my children have met since I separated & divorced their mom 2 1/2 years ago. The kids primarily live with me because my ex-wife is not stable due to her bipolar disorder. Over the last two weeks, I've started to test the waters with the kids, asking them how they'd feel about daddy "getting out there and dating." My son has been quite positive towards the idea the two occasions I talked about it with him. My daughter, on the other hand, was uncomfortable with the idea and eventually wanted to move on to a new topic, this weekend. She didn't take a tone where she was upset, she was more being bashful and laughing a bit, before wanting to change the subject.

I guess I'm curious how those of you with younger children have prepared them for this initial meeting, especially when it's their first encounter seeing mom/dad with someone new? Bonus points if you had the specter of a toxic ex lurking the background!

 

[katrina2017]

@sjrnr It’s tricky. Kids often feel abandoned when this happens. They may feel that they lost their mom and now they’re losing their dad as well but may not be able to express it on those words fully. Something to be mindful of and discuss carefully and reinforce that you will never leave them

 

[sjrnr]

@katrina2017 I have told both of them that I'm not seeking a replacement mom for them. They have one already. This is more about Dad wanting to meet someone to experience life with, in addition to our time we get with each other. I also assured them (well, mainly my daughter), that I'm not looking to meet someone to marry, and a few dates does not mean we're destined to be husband and wife. I told them no matter what, they are my top priority. Thankfully, both me and this woman understand that. She's also been incredibly understanding re: the challenges I have with a bipolar ex/co-parent.

 

[jurasicd]

@sjrnr As a former 8 year old in this situation, slow down. 6 months is an arbitrary amount of time. Keep your dating life separate for much longer.

 

[wondering]

@jurasicd This^ 6 months feels like the bare minimum. Like right around this time is when the person you’re dating starts to relax and show their true selves around you. Also, if the kids (or just your daughter) aren’t up for it don’t force it. That doesn’t mean you have to hide the new girlfriend or anything, just don’t force a relationship/outings between her and your kids.

 

[phelven]

@sjrnr Just make it a no pressure thing for now

Try to have an activity/outing planned perhaps

Brining her into the house could be a lot for a first meeting.

Go plan a day trip to a zoo or something and let them just even get use to her a bit without forcing interaction. Have her meet you there.
Think about how you do a first date … you usually meet at the restaurant and go home separately.
Then you only discuss seeing them a second time after the first meeting goes well. You don’t launch into whole life planning.
Slow and steady and let it all naturally grow.

 

[sjrnr]

@phelven Thanks, this likely how a first meeting would go, what do you suggest for the mental preparation of the child concerning the lead up?

 

[phelven]

@sjrnr I honestly just kept it at this is my friend I’ve been spending time with and I’d like for you to meet them. I wouldn’t get into everything and your whole relationship just yet.
After the first meeting you will be able to gauge your kids interest more.

Though I introduced my son at 4 to my new partner. So at this age he didn’t over think things…
They were wrestling on the floor in like 10 minutes anyways so we moved more quickly after that. But obviously we would have backed off a lot if he cried the whole time.

 

[lhthe]

@sjrnr I went over a year until I introduced mine. She was 9 and knew that I was seeing someone (and my ex was badmouthing the girl I was seeing without ever having met her or knowing anyone who knew her). I told my girl that I wanted her to meet the woman I had been dating and that we were going to do some things she liked. Started the day with my daughter and her best friend going to a zoo like thing with my GF and I, then we dropped off her friend and went to my house and all watched a cartoon movie together. Then my brother and his family came over along with my mother and we all carved Halloween pumpkins together. So a full day with a lot of familiar people. That was Halloween of 2020, were married now and my daughter loves my wife, they gang up on me together and horseplay/ tease me etc. my wife is her confidant and my ex and my wife take my girl to horseback riding together once a week no matter which of us has custody. I knew my wife was gonna be great, but I ad no idea how great. If you’ve picked well everything should be great. I’m the luckiest guy I know. Good luck internet stranger!

 

[cathyadkins]

@lhthe That is great to hear! Congrats!

 

[lhthe]

@cathyadkins Thank you. I couldn’t have written a script for my situation and had it come out any better.

 

[britchops]

@sjrnr My situation is fairly similar and so far so good with introduction of my partner to my young (age 7) son. His dad is completely out of the picture due to mental health issues that ultimately necessitated Court mandated Stay Away orders and ROs. That said, my son remembers his father and we talk about him as maybe someone who he can reconnect with in the future if he wants and It is safe to do so. I have always been my child’s safe space and only dependable parent so I was definitely worried that my dating could trigger a fear of abandonment. The way I did it was to be very gradual and to work on providing him with other stable adults and situations that he was comfortable with so that me being out for an evening didn’t feel so scary. This was possible for me since I only have one kiddo and have really supportive friends/a great babysitter in the area that we’re willing to be a safety net and social network for us. So having him regularly spend time with his sitter to the point where she is like family and supporting sleepovers with friends (hosted by us and by the other parents) so he has alternate places/people that he feels safe and loved if I’m not home. This was months in the making but I do think it helped and for us was worth it.. when it came time to meet my partner he was discussed as a close friend not unlike others that I have and my son knows about so he was a familiar character before they met. Once they did meet, my SO was introduced as a friend and both him and my son knew a lot about each other so they hit the ground running. When ultimately we started going on trips and it was going to be all three of us, I talked to my son about how this person had become more than a friend. I didn’t want him to get any vibes over our trip that I hadn’t already talked to him about. My son expressed fears that it would mean I’d see him less and I explained that really, it would be no different than it had been, because at this point it was the truth (as far as nights out, trips away etc) My son really cares for my partner and we do couple things apart from my son as we did but have also incorporated doing things together as a group. As I said, I took a very gradual approach and my son didn’t meet my partner until closer to a year to allow for it to happen this way (and so I didn’t worry about him meeting someone who wasn’t serious about us) it wasn’t until 3-4 months later that my “friend” became my “boyfriend”. I was maybe more cautious than most and more then you may feel is necessary in your situation but hopefully our story helps with ideas for some of the things you can do to help support your kids through transition of having someone new in their lives that holds that type of role. Best of luck and congrats on finding someone worth introducing to them!

 

[britchops]

I should add they met on a hike.. neutral territory, other things to focus on. I built in some stuff we could do/talk about that I knew they could connect over (partner is a biologist and kiddo loves wildlife so that helped) .. it helped make time go by without too much pressure on either of them (mainly partner since kiddo had no idea this was any different than any other friend)

 

[eldertimy]

@sjrnr Grown ups with children meet other grown ups with children all the time. You can very easily make it as simple as if you were meeting a new neighbor. There really doesn't have to be the pressure of "this is my girlfriend. She might be your new mom. What do you think?". Like others have said, meet in a public place. Just introduce her as your friend. If your relationship gets more serious down the road then you can start using more official titles and have deeper conversations with them about what that means.

 

[sjrnr]

@eldertimy Thanks. What would you suggest as far as getting the kids mentally prepared for this meeting? What would you say to them?

 

[lemonblossom]

@sjrnr My advice?

First I'd sit down and openly discuss what your kids feel about it. Questions? Concerns? Expectations? Hopes? If your looking for the long run this person needs to meet their needs too for a peaceful/ happy future. Remind them that even as you start looking or take baby steps you will always listen to their concerns and work to resolve them.

If you get to the stage where you feel you are ready to have them meet your kids. Do an outing but not an "I'm introducing you" outing, more like bumping into a friend, inviting to join outing. That way the pressure is off and its not forced. You can watch your kids as they try to get to know this person on their own terms. And if problems arise you can have more wiggle room to tackle them or bow out gracefully. Museums, parks or zoos are great for that i think.

After they know this is a potential partner maybe try a 1/1/1 approach to dates. 1 with the partner, 1 with just the kids, 1 all together. You can space that or juggle that how you like. But the point is for your kids to know you are dedicated to making them feel special and validated and that this person isn't stealing that time from them or that the only person who gets your direct or special attention is the potential partner. It also gives you a chance to connect and talk about those questions/ concerns or expectations again.

If your relationship progresses from there -set boundaries with them and the kids. No potential partner should feel free to discipline your kids on their own. They need to build trust with you and them first and then learn and work with you on what should happen if boundaries are crossed on either side.

Take it all with a grain of salt but I've done this and it's helped alot to protect me and my kids. Learned it the hard way.

Edit: i guess in my tireness i skimmed the first paragraph. But my advice for boundaries, communication and connection with the kiddos still stands. If they feel ambushed or ignored, you'll only create unnecessary resentment towards her or you. Good luck