Time to roll the dice?

[peter_p]

There’s a big heart vs mind problem in our home.

We have one child (6yo) who we adore but Christmas felt so quiet. I imagine having another child puttering around and it brings joy to my heart. We are finally in a stable financial and emotional position to have another.

On the other hand we’ve had a couple of miscarriages and then stopped trying when Covid hit. I know my partner won’t keep trying if we have another miscarriage.

Although we want another we’re also tired. We both work a lot and always feel a little bit behind. My partner is supportive but I know he’s burnt out. He worries about my health and he’s worried that another baby will be too stressful.

I’ve got high blood pressure (managed) and I’m afraid of the PPD experience we had last time. I’m worried that I’ll have a 7 yo who has to live with my PPD craziness while adjusting to a new baby.

We decided we’d pull the goalie but I’m worried my husband is only doing it for me and I’m scared. I don’t want to have him regretting a child and I have a hard time committing to trying.

It’s like for our child it was “yay, let’s do this!” and this time it’s like “cool, we’ll probably survive”… I just don’t know what the right call is.

Any advice?

 

[cosmostar]

@peter_p We have a 6 year age gap and it's been fantastic! My older kid is very independent already, dresses himself, showers with minimal help, can make his own snacks etc. He also understands that I can't always just put the baby down to help him do something/play with him and knows what I mean when I say, "I'll play this with you in 30 minutes when baby is napping". He's enjoys playing with his baby sister and can supervise her for a couple minutes if I have to go to the bathroom. I was on the fence about a second for a long time but I love it and think the age gap is perfect for us.

 

[billybob67]

@peter_p We just had another with a 7 year age gap. I had a 6 year age gap with my brother and we got closer as we got older, I love it. My husband agreed to another as I really wanted one. I got post partum Graves after my first. He was afraid it would come back. I did all the things I could do to mitigate all risks while pregnant for anything. My husband was happy after our youngest was born. She's perfect for our family.

For your blood pressure, talk to your doctor about baby aspirin and ensure monitoring. And monitor for PPD signs early to ensure proper treatment early on. I'm sorry for your losses. I was full of anxiety and what ifs before starting trying for another, but it didn't mean I didn't want another. I just worry about everything.

 

[marth4k1ng]

@peter_p Sorry for your losses. Just read on another sub 7 year gap might be the easiest. The second time you’re more confident with knowing what to expect, and if you’re aware of your PPD and know you have a 7yo to be strong for, might not be as bad. Hopefully also the tools/resources/meds ready to go anticipating that bump. Kids older and understands more, may be able to enjoy helping a little. Less sibling rivalry. As for the losses, if you’re willing to try and so is husband why not? Just need 2 yes. If your kid is 6 and you’re still thinking about it and didn’t decide to close that door sounds like you want it. Is the urge to have the second ever really the same as the first time? I only have one but there’s my advice as someone who is struggling to decide with a larger age gap in the cards at this point too. Indifferent husband. Good luck

 

[abraham7777]

@marth4k1ng FWIW, my brother is 7 years older than me and we were never close - too far apart in age to really play together, always at different life stages, and we also just have wildly different values and world views (he's very conservative and religious, I'm a liberal atheist). The age gap wasn't by choice for my parents. My brother felt resentful having to be my caretaker a lot while my mother struggled with a lot of autoimmune issues caused by her second pregnancy for years before a diagnosis. Not saying that all large age gaps are bad. But what may be easier on the parents may not be as nice for the kids.

 

[cosmostar]

@abraham7777 I have a 6 year age gap with my brother and we're very close

 

[thezahir]

@abraham7777 I have a 20 year age gap with one of my siblings and we're super close, we're basically the same person. He has a 1 year age gap with our brother; they played as kids but now he wishes he didn't exist basically. I have a 5 year age gap with my sister, we're close though that wasn't always the case (we're very different people, but played as kids and grew closer over time as adults). Even in your case it sounds like clashing personalities, not the age gap per se (and clashing personalities can come with any age gap). My MIL was closer to the brother she had a 12 year age gap with than the one she had a 4 year gap with (they have in fact broken contact entirely).

 

[rainysunflower]

@peter_p I think if you’re thinking about it you should go for it
I think that having some chats with your partner along the route of trying for the baby would be beneficial as well - being clear with one another about it and making a plan to be present for one another while in the thick of it (if that only means making an effort to kiss or hug every time you greet one another, and more gestures depending on what time permits)

I too am in a similar situation with regard to a supportive spouse but one whom I’m unsure would try for a second baby if it were entirely up to him. However, we both want a sibling for our little guy - and we have very different relationships with our siblings. We feel torn, but we love raising our son so feel positive about another.

Also we have a dog - lol - and it’s not quite the same. Though my husband promises me I can have two dogs if we end up a single child family (how we bring levity)

Good luck I will hope for the best for you!

 

[chosenremnant]

@peter_p I know my brain is more mathematical than emotional, which helps me in decision making, and I hope you too, although sometimes I can come across as cold, although that is never my intention. The definites that you've put down are that your husband is burnt out, and that you are no longer a "Yay, let's do this!" and you have medical issues.

IMHO, you want to thrive, not just survive, and apart from a hope that you'll get a child that putters around, everything points to 'no'.

 

[dougw59]

@peter_p I think you answered your own question, and that’s a “no”. It just doesn’t sound like a good idea. Have you considered adopting a puppy? That might help fill the void without the fear of regret.

 

[katrina2017]

@dougw59 Really? I thought it sounded more like she was leaning yes