Text from my 14 yr old son

S

sheryll

New member
I don’t know if you heard kids making moans/sex noises, but I can’t stand it. All I did was ask him to stop, didn’t yell or anything else. It wasn’t even a big deal to me.
He has this thing about making things worse. It could have ended there, no issues. He just keeps going and going until I’m close to losing it.
He’s on A/B honor roll, which I’m proud of, but it’s never been an issue with grades, I’ve never been a stickler for grades. He’s on medication for anxiety. I have it as well and I know it sucks. I’ve never made him do anything he wasn’t comfortable with. Mental health days are a thing in my household.

Right after I got the text, I took his phone and told him to never talk to me like that ever again. Beyond that I don’t know what else to do. I’ve gotten to where I just lock my door and stay away from him during these times. He’s at the age of “I know everything and everything bad that happens is your fault”.
I know we say stupid things sometimes, did I overreact?

Here’s the text

I’m not taken my meds no more. It’s a you problem, dear with it an also do you realize what I go through everyday at school. I work my ASS oof to make you feel happy and a the at the same time with all that is being made I have to dear social anxiety every day. So maybe I just want to hang out with my Fucking homies. Jeez… and you guys can’t just let me have so Fucking peace for 2 Fucking Seconds, now can you?!
 
@sheryll I was really good at dramatics as a teen, and knew exactly what to say to make my mom think she needed to “just let me live my life”. Honestly, I think it’s more worrisome when my kids, teens included, don’t say anything. I don’t think he’s about to lose it. I think he’s testing the waters and trying to get an emotional response out of you.
 
@sheryll My 16 year has said almost exactly the same thing to my face. He started screaming "I just wanna be left the fuck alone!" over and over while crying. I saw in that moment just how much he was hurting, just how much he had been holding inside, and just how much I had not been helping him. I wish I could say it was a movie moment where we hugged and cried together and he opened up to me about everything, but it wasn't. I just stood there silently, unable to figure out the best way to love him in that moment and then we parted ways for the day.

The best advice I can offer is to let everyone cool down and then go to him and let him know how deeply you care for him. Ask what you can do to make the load he is carrying lighter. Ask him if he needs a hug, or a listening ear, or space to himself, or whatever. Be prepared for the fact that he may still be very angry and have no desire to open up to you. He may say more hurtful things. Try not to take it personally and just let him know that you're always there to listen whenever he's ready to talk and then leave his space.

As others have also said, take him to do something fun. Something he enjoys, just the two of you. My therapist has told me that one of the best places for 2 people to talk and open up to each other is while driving in a car. Some of the pressure is lifted because you're not looking at each other. Some of my best talks with my son have happened while in the car just running normal errands and now I know why.
 
@garberse I’ve been trying to think of stuff for us to do. We’re both gamer nerds, so do that together. I remember being this way as a teenager (“sorry, mom!”) I do feel for him.
 
@sheryll Welcome to the club of “ Parents With Good Kids That Do Shitty Things And Think They Know Everything And You Are Dumb.”

I’m learning to focus on the positives. So many positives, like being such a kind and thoughtful soul he is.

Tomorrow I may have the urge to slap him across the face (we don’t do hitting- but I see it happening in my brain sometimes because I get so enraged at the teenager).

It’s teenagers. I’m so sorry. We need a support group like AA. No joke, for real.
 
@rainydaysweaters Seriously we do. You’re right, I guess it’s because of the pressure of being that good parent, is exactly the same as my teenager feeling the pressure to fit in. This is eye opening.
 
@sheryll Nope, but he should understand respect and that his work isn't for you, it should be for himself and his future (kids have a hard time seeing that and thats ok)
 
@sheryll I don’t think you overreacted. I think it’s appropriate to make boundaries. He crossed a boundary when he cussed at you like that. I am following this sub because things were so bad with my daughter. She takes meds for adhd, depression, and anxiety. Has history of self harm. She does blow up sometimes and then the next day is a different person. I agree with what the other people said about them testing the waters, that they know everything, and also knowing how to push mom’s buttons! I did the same thing.

What has helped us is therapy. For both of us. Individual therapy & joint sessions. We both didn’t feel heard, and we would argue a lot. And also simply time. I feel like 14 years old was the worst age for myself and for my daughter. She’s a bit over 15 now, and it’s not so miserable for either of us anymore. Plus being on the right meds, and she’s been consistently seeing this same therapist once a week for about 6 months. But that was AFTER my breaking point. When she cut herself bad enough that she thought she needed stitches. I took her to the ER, and she ended up getting admitted to a psych facility for 6 days. It was dramatic and chaotic, and I was honestly ugly that day sadly. But I am so glad I did it. Underneath the anger, it was fear and frustration that I don’t know how to help my daughter and I don’t want her to die.

Also, my friend and I have talked about how our households that are very pro mental health, and our kids know all the lingo… it’s a double edged sword.
 
@sheryll Please give your kid his phone back and tell him how loved and valued he is NO MATTER WHAT before he isn’t around for you to tell him. He’s screaming for help. Please listen.
 
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