Teenage Son (16) abusing the sober ride home
- Thread starter giobob
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- parenting teens
@paulm7 He's calling because him and his friends are all too high or drunk. If he's within a mile or two I've told him to walk but he thinks that's out of the question and uses it as an excuse to get a non sober ride. I want him to experience some real world consequences that don't come from me but tragic auto accident isn't one of them. It's a tough spot. Thanks for your reply
888_apologetics
New member
@giobob I relate to this so much. My 18 yo daughter is very similar. I think you should keep giving rides. You seem like you have good boundaries around the rest so I don't think this is enabling. It's purely a safety issue. He doesn't enjoy calling his dad so its not like you're making it easier for him to make these bad choices, but at least he has the sense to call you. I suspect if you didn't pick him up, he'll just add one more bad choice of driving with non-sober drivers to his list. I'll just add that you shouldn't doubt yourself. Despite our very best efforts, some kids just end up on this route. We can only hope we all live through it until that prefrontal cortex finishes up.
tampachristian
New member
@giobob So sorry you are going through this. I think I was involuntarily committed due to drugs when I was 15. But I live in Mississippi so that doesn’t help you. Anyway, long term drug & alcohol rehab helped me. At first I was “committed” to the state mental institution. Which was quite humbling. Then they sent me to a real adolescent rehab facility. I was gone for about 10 months total! It saved my life. But let me tell you I was so ugly and hateful and angry at my parents at first. My parents were good too. I just self medicated my depression and have addictive personality. I thought drugs were my solution. I needed them to survive this existence until I found something to replace that. So addicts lash out when people get in the way of their drug use. All that to say, it’s not your fault!! And I highly recommended Alanon or Naranon to have a support group, navigate boundaries, and find inner peace for yourself.
@giobob If the family therapist is educated in kids with alcohol and substance abuse behavior I think you should meet with them separately to discuss this question and also to discuss what options are available to you with the court system he'll be going through, or if they know where you can reach out. I'd also ask what options are available to you with therapy or with treatment centers or now if you were to step up your involvement as you fear he's at the point where he can't make safe decisions.
If you're in family therapy and he's in individual therapy And with all the things you listed here, reddit probably can't give you great answers. I think it would be difficult for anyone here to understand the nuance of your situation. Ignore the mean comments that may make you second guess your position. Reality is you're in this spot and you're right - what is being done isn't enough. So keep seeking help with those that are trained in this area.
If you're in family therapy and he's in individual therapy And with all the things you listed here, reddit probably can't give you great answers. I think it would be difficult for anyone here to understand the nuance of your situation. Ignore the mean comments that may make you second guess your position. Reality is you're in this spot and you're right - what is being done isn't enough. So keep seeking help with those that are trained in this area.
aftershock777
New member
@giobob seems to me you are doing all the right things. right now, the best thing you can do is keep your teen talking to you, by being a safe, non judgemental space. (which it sounds like you're doing) otherwise, you'll get walled out and you lose any opportunity to influence their thoughts and actions, or have any idea what they're doing. i've learned this through lived experience and much therapy/coaching.
sounds like the focus should be on getting him into a treatment program. and you've had some advice around that. as well, re: therapist attendance, could be a matter of finding a different therapist that he clicks with, so that going and talking doesn't feel like a chore, but rather something to look forward to. we went through 5 before we found one that my teen likes.
in terms of your sleep and the sober ride. i think the sober ride is a good thing-- but if you feel he's abusing it, have you thought about getting him signed up with an uber account? i think uber has an uber wallet option where you can add funds. if your son could use uber on the times you can't collect him, that might give you some respite. the thing would be to find a way to set it up so that uber-use isn't abused. would he respect "emergencies, or when i cant get you" boundaries? maybe there's a way for him to earn the uber credits? chores? grades? help cook dinner for the fam?
sounds like the focus should be on getting him into a treatment program. and you've had some advice around that. as well, re: therapist attendance, could be a matter of finding a different therapist that he clicks with, so that going and talking doesn't feel like a chore, but rather something to look forward to. we went through 5 before we found one that my teen likes.
in terms of your sleep and the sober ride. i think the sober ride is a good thing-- but if you feel he's abusing it, have you thought about getting him signed up with an uber account? i think uber has an uber wallet option where you can add funds. if your son could use uber on the times you can't collect him, that might give you some respite. the thing would be to find a way to set it up so that uber-use isn't abused. would he respect "emergencies, or when i cant get you" boundaries? maybe there's a way for him to earn the uber credits? chores? grades? help cook dinner for the fam?
@aftershock777 These are great reccomendations. Thank you
jimmccallister
New member
@giobob You mention a lot of challenges however have you talked to him and asked him his perspective and what he wants or why he does said things ?
I think with regards to the “sober ride”
I would continue to do it as you want him to build your trust and know he Can Count on you. If you change the rules then he might resent and not open up to you.
I have a child same age (I have four children ages almost 25,18, almost 16 and almost 11). I know these teenage years are hard but I highly recommend this podcast.
She outlines some great points and her books are fantastic too.
Seems like what you are doing ISNT working so why not try something else
I think with regards to the “sober ride”
I would continue to do it as you want him to build your trust and know he Can Count on you. If you change the rules then he might resent and not open up to you.
I have a child same age (I have four children ages almost 25,18, almost 16 and almost 11). I know these teenage years are hard but I highly recommend this podcast.
She outlines some great points and her books are fantastic too.
Seems like what you are doing ISNT working so why not try something else
@giobob What does your therapist say? What does your lawyer say? Do you have one that specializes in these type of issues?
Anyway, I am so sorry! This sounds devastating & exhausting.
I have a sibling that was in a similar situation and their child was in a motor vehicle accident and sustained fairly severe injuries. The accident helped curtail behavior as they could not leave home without help. Otherwise they had put down deposits to involuntarily commit the child to one of those expensive wilderness boarding schools.
Idk what I would do, I think until you are in this situation, it’s hard to really know. But I think if this was my child, I would offer to move him out of Colorado, away from his friends & social circle, and to a state where I could involuntarily commit him. Otherwise, I would seek legal representation for parents with teens in crisis situation, and find out what my options are, if I do not pick him up - I mean legally, if he says, “I am impaired” I suspect you have a legal obligation to get him, since he is a minor, no?
If I had no legal rights to declare him incompetent, I would encourage him to seek emancipation and find a new residence if he wishes to continue to drop out of school, use drugs, and actively participate in criminal activities. But if he changes his mind AND can demonstrate his motivation, he is welcome back at any time… if he refused emancipation route and the lawyer said I just had to deal with it, I guess I would do the Uber thing that someone else said.
I would also continue personal counseling to walk me through the anger, guilt and the grief of this life event.
Again, I hate that your family is going through this!!
Anyway, I am so sorry! This sounds devastating & exhausting.
I have a sibling that was in a similar situation and their child was in a motor vehicle accident and sustained fairly severe injuries. The accident helped curtail behavior as they could not leave home without help. Otherwise they had put down deposits to involuntarily commit the child to one of those expensive wilderness boarding schools.
Idk what I would do, I think until you are in this situation, it’s hard to really know. But I think if this was my child, I would offer to move him out of Colorado, away from his friends & social circle, and to a state where I could involuntarily commit him. Otherwise, I would seek legal representation for parents with teens in crisis situation, and find out what my options are, if I do not pick him up - I mean legally, if he says, “I am impaired” I suspect you have a legal obligation to get him, since he is a minor, no?
If I had no legal rights to declare him incompetent, I would encourage him to seek emancipation and find a new residence if he wishes to continue to drop out of school, use drugs, and actively participate in criminal activities. But if he changes his mind AND can demonstrate his motivation, he is welcome back at any time… if he refused emancipation route and the lawyer said I just had to deal with it, I guess I would do the Uber thing that someone else said.
I would also continue personal counseling to walk me through the anger, guilt and the grief of this life event.
Again, I hate that your family is going through this!!
justme12345678910
New member
@vila Why are people being so rude? This is a father who's asking for help. He's not saying he did everything right along the way and obviously things could have been done differently earlier on in this kid's life but hindsight is 20/20. He's just asking what to do now because he's completely lost and he wants to save his son. How the hell is that satire?
litnedupbeliever
New member
@vila You are very naive and I doubt you have teenagers. It is a complete fallacy that a parent can control a determined teen. You teach them the best you can and by the time they are 12 you can either control them to the point that they go no contact with you as soon as they are financially able OR let go of the reins and provide guide rails to the choices they make.
OP has a kid that runs into the guide rails willfully and frequently and is looking for support.
You really don’t know anything about this subject and should keep scrolling.
OP has a kid that runs into the guide rails willfully and frequently and is looking for support.
You really don’t know anything about this subject and should keep scrolling.
@litnedupbeliever I have two teenagers. An 18 year old and a 16 year old. Clearly, OP is NOT doing anything right here. Let’s call a spade a spade. He’s allowing his child to engage in this behavior.
litnedupbeliever
New member
@vila “Good” parents can and do have “bad” kids. It’s a complete crapshoot if you are going to have a coachable kid or an obstinate one with mental health issues. Your parenting skills only get you so far. I’m glad your kids are successful but I don’t think you are the sole reason for their success.
@litnedupbeliever Well said. 