Teenage Son (16) abusing the sober ride home

[giobob]

Hey All,

I have a 16yr old son who's been calling me every weekend night for a sober ride home. I am wrestling with what to do here. Let me provide some background first.

1) He started using THC regularly when he was 15 and recently started drinking most weekends

2) We've had him in therapy regularly since he was 14 both individual and family therapy

3) He was diagnosed with ADHD by a psychiatrist and potentially has other mental health issues that are difficult to diagnose as he is high most of the time

4) The Dr. refused to treat him for his ADHD as the medications can have interactions with THC so he was told he'd need to sober up before getting treatment, this makes sense to me.

5) He was referred to in patient drug treatment and was strongly recommended to go after his intake interview.

6) He refused to go to treatment, and since all teen services are voluntary in Colorado we can't make him go. In fact we can't "make him" do anything anymore.

7) He is now refusing to attend therapy, he comes and goes in the house whenever he wants, we took away essentially everything he owns except a few outfits, shoes, toiletries, and his school supplies. He is coming home with different phones every week, I now have a pile in my closet.

8) He does not drive or at least is not licensed to drive

9) Discipline has proven entirely ineffective, We are currently trying positive reinforcement, and natural consiquences

10) He is currently attending an alternative highschool after he quit going to school for about a month last semester. He is now attending regularly but the teachers have informed me that he is disruptive, disrespectful, and not engaged at all in class.

11) He has multiple criminal charges and is awaiting trial for them (It's so slow!)

12) He grew up in an environment where he was supported, encouraged, loved, disciplined, and challenged accordingly. We have a 13 year old boy who is using him as an example of what not to do and has thus far avoided many of his older brothers pitfalls.

13) We are currently doing everything we can to just keep him in school and at home every night but it's been challenging to say the least. He is attending school but not doing well. He is coming home near curfew every night but is almost always high or drunk.

14) We have daily conversations about his behavior, his choices, what it could mean to his future. Not lectures but conversations where I get curious about his motivations, aspirations, and plans. He is typically very open and our communication is probably the only thing going well at the moment.

Now to my question as the most recent quandary is that I have always told him to call me if he doesn't have a sober ride home. I never punish him for the call but we do have an early morning conversation about his choices. Lately he has begun calling me every weekend night (sometimes weekdays) around curfew or later asking for a sober ride home. At what point is this enabling? At what point do I prioritize my own mental and physical health? Feels like being a new father again as there is no space for healthy sleep anymore. I realize this is a microcosm of clearly MUCH larger issues and I'm all ears to any and all advice. I appreciate your support.

 

[ivans]

@giobob I am right there with you. I have a 14 year old that has ADHD, anxiety, depression and I feel equally hopeless right now. He has been treated for ADHD since he was 7 and he's been in counseling since about the same time. He's had neurofeedback. He's had sleep studies. He's had neuropsych evaluations. A psychiatrist. In school therapy. In home therapy. He's had an IEP since kindergarten. He was medicated from 7 til 12 when he started refusing to take his meds. I have been very involved and on top of treatment since I always heard early intervention is best.

However, he is refusing to go to school now, has all failing grades, and experimenting with marijuana, he doesn't bathe, do chores and leaves huge messes in his wake . We got him into an alternative high school but it doesn't start until his Jr. year.

I don't think you necessarily could have changed anything by acting sooner. I think that would be a huge assumption for someone to make that doesn't know you personally. It sounds like you are doing the best you can.

My only advice is to love him. Connect with him. Try to discover what is his underlying need is. Spend time with him.

Edited to add that he's also been medicated since a young age

 

[giobob]

@ivans Thankyou, sometimes it's reassuring to know we're not alone.

 

[cualuoihm]

@giobob As a former teenager with undiagnosed and untreated adhd who left my parents at their absolute wits end, I feel for you.

The only perspective I have as an adult is that so much of my issues as a kid were directly tied to my adhd disregulation. After getting diagnosed and treated- all I can say is that every once in a while I cry for the kid I was, who did not have the ability to pull myself together.

I don't know what would have been a successful intervention.

 

[crs_7]

@giobob Yep I am here in the trenches with my 15yo too.

I think a safe ride home may be reasonable. But are there other options, bus or walking home? Maybe a boundary of: I will pick you up at curfew between 9 and 10 ( or whatever time you think is reasonable) , or I assume you have made another plan on how you will be getting home. I 100% get the struggle as you want hin home and safe, but you don't want to be an on call taxi driver for an A** teenager who doesn't follow the basic house rules.

 

[pastorben]

@giobob I’m not from Colorado, but I’d do more research on involuntary commitment/ treatment. I would seek professional guidance for yourself on how to create boundaries regarding your child’s behaviour also.

https://bha.colorado.gov/resources/substance-use-commitment

 

[giobob]

@pastorben Interesting, nobody I've encountered has mentioned this option. May be worth bringing up with a judge at his next hearing. Thank you

 

[mrtea]

@giobob If at all possible I’d look into whether someone other than you can bring this option up. I can imagine a lot of anger being directed to you for suggesting involuntary commitment.

 

[bolu1]

@mrtea Yes. Can they appoint a CASA to your sons case? They will advocate for what's best in his interest and the interest of the family.

https://www.coloradocasa.org/

 

[pastorben]

@giobob I’m from Canada, so I don’t know what the terms are in the States to search.

But I’d be surprised if there was absolutely no options available. I have a sibling who struggled with underlying mental health issues, that contributed to hard core drug addictions.

They did get their life sorted with adequate treatment for the underlying issue, clear boundaries from my parents and involuntary treatment. They have been clean and productive for over 20 years. Try not to be discouraged.

 

[taranmicheal]

@giobob Your options are limited. You can try to force treatment; it may give him the time he needs to get clean and start to think more clearly. The facility my son went to when he was 17 was a dual diagnosis program and he took high school classes while he was there. Some people disagree with this approach but in my experience it is our last chance to get our kids help before they turn 18 we have no control whatsoever.

 

[mpt]

@giobob How is he paying for everything? Cannabis, alcohol, and burner phones cost money.

 

[giobob]

@mpt Him and his friends sell fake airpods and I'm assuming other things. I search his room daily and regularly confiscate anything I find suspect. Drugs, vape pens, lighters, etc. I've never found more than one item of contraband at a time. I'm assuming his friends hold all the cash and whatever they are selling. All the burner phones are old, like what a lot of people have in drawers, old crappy androids. But still the service costs money. I block any new devices that show up on the home wifi.

 

[ajhnh]

@giobob Oh heck. This sounds a terrible situation. It sounds like drastic measures are needed. Don’t let this continue. Sounds like he needs to go into rehab and have a complete reset.

 

[yetibigfoot]

@giobob I really feel and understand your struggle here - there is no easy or pat answer to this situation and the sober ride home issue can't be taken out of context with the rest of the situation. I have also recently struggled with waiting for natural consequences to kick in for my 19 year old daughter. Natural consequences work well when kids are younger, but as they get older, I feel like natural consequences are more impactful on their overall life but happen too far in the distant future to have an effect on present behavior. That said, it seems like you have set up other consequences since he doesn't have a phone etc.

I think your sober ride home construct is in the 'harm reduction' realm of parenting. This approach includes, but is not limited to setting boundaries and guidelines to ensure safety. It sounds like the boundaries you've set aren't stringent enough to keep your son out of trouble and that the consequences aren't tough enough to change his behavior.

Per some of the other posters, your son needs to get on board with making things work for all of you or you will allow the judicial system to make things uncomfortable for him. Can you find an example to point to that shows a kid in your town who gets in trouble with drugs and the law at 16 through this type of behavior and at 25 is in jail, in rehab or dead? You can't want it for him but, if he wants a life that is not one of those 3 outcomes, you can help him make better choices. You need to let him know that one place he won't be is in your basement - at some point soon, he will be out of your house and off your payroll. That's where the rubber for him will hit the road. He needs to feel some of that friction now while he has a chance to course correct before he's out on his butt, scratching his head.

I'm not sure if this helps but I feel for you. This is not easy.

 

[dovesong]

@giobob To answer your question yes you are enabling but I understand why you are doing what you are doing. The reality is that as long as he’s still alive there is still hope.

You are fighting multiple fronts - ADHD, a non fully developed frontal cortex, substances.

Have you heard of DBT therapy? I would consider taking you and your partner and digging into the principles with a therapist. It’s very positive that you’re still communicating - use that to your advantage. Some of things I learned when we had a difficult teen was to ask her what she thought she would do in this situation- how would she handle it? It’s so alien even to them that the answer would be ignore the behavior and just let them do whatever they want that they have to provide some answers.

If nothing else the therapy would help you while this is happening - there may be a time when, for your sake, you have to let the ties go.

 

[giobob]

@dovesong Thanks, I'll look into DBT

 

[pngdeity]

@giobob This sounds a lot like what my sister is going through; down to selling the fake airpods. We're also in CO. Look into the Shiloh House. I've worked with them both personally and professionally. I would absolutely recommend them.

 

[laurapalooza]

@giobob At age 16, I think the die is cast. His ADHD should have been treated a decade sooner, or more. He is now self-medicating with harsher drugs available to him. A person with untreated ADHD is driven by impulsive behavior, and what matters at this stage are whether he has good or bad impulses.

If you can't make him receive drug treatment, I personally would move someplace where a minor can be required to attend drug treatment, and then begin this very late process of finding an ADHD medication that helps. For his criminal charges, ask the judge about drug treatment options. There will be some, such as a lighter sentence if he attends. There is also something called involuntary commitment.

I'm sad to feel that I think you son will have to fall a lot further before he's prepared to lift himself up.

He is now attending regularly but the teachers have informed me that he is disruptive, disrespectful, and not engaged at all in class.

That's the impulsive behavior of ADHD. This late in the game, his impulses have been trained to be negative based on how he's been treated by those around him his whole life.

My son's impulsive behavior in second grade was to whistle during quiet reading time. I knew well enough for years he had no attention span and took countless times to be told a rule before it was followed. That little classroom anecdote from his teacher was enough for me to get him diagnosed. His first description of his medicine was, "It gives me time to think." Now in high school, he has lost his small friendship circle, but it's because they are all gravitating toward drug use and/or extremist ideology. But, he's an A-B student and plays on multiple sports teams, about as great an outcome as I could dream for. One thing I've seen consistently in people with ADHD is that they are strong-willed. My son has a strong will to withstand peer pressure.

 

[giobob]

@laurapalooza Thanks for your thoughtful response. His ADHD wasn't caught untill recently. While he was somewhat impulsive at a younger age it was never disruptive in class and we helped him find outlets and coping skills. My son was a motivated and competitive athlete before drugs. I was diagnosed with ADHD around age 30 but looking back I think I was just good at masking my symptoms throughout Highschool and early adulthood. I suspect his symptoms could also be exasterbated by drug use and phone / social media. But you are right in that the die is cast. I'm trying to figure out the best balance between guidance and discipline. I'll look into involuntary commitment it wasn't something I was aware of.