I am venting a bit and also asking for some advice on how to discipline. My(38f) daughter(15f) is constantly giving me attitude over quite literally everything. If I buy her a smoothie at the drive thru I get the same amount of verbal aggression I get for asking her to come to dinner or do her chores. If I don’t do everything she wants in a day, I get screamed at for ‘not supporting her’ when I’ve nonstop been shelling out money and driving all over the place for her very time consuming sports activities. She absolutely does NOT get her way 100% of the time so these tirades are frequent. I’ve lost my cool repeatedly because I’m reaching my breaking point here with her accusations and screaming while I literally am spending my entire day from 4:30am until well after 10pm seeing to their needs because well, I’m a mom. I don’t follow them around or have a laundry list of rules, if anything I’d say I ask the minimum. Kindness, honesty, let me know where you are, stay at a C average and get paid for every A and B. I don’t feel like I’m asking a lot. But I’m a punching bag for bad days, any frustration whatsoever and heaven forbid I dare say no. I am not an angry person. But I’m seeing myself yelling back and it’s killing me. I would’ve gotten my behind whooped for acting the way she does. I’m beginning to think I made a mistake thinking I could just take privileges away as discipline. It no longer works. She doesn’t care. Please help.
Teenage daughter(15) so angry
- Thread starter kentonio
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- parenting teens
@kentonio Is she just this way with you?
One consolation I've taken with my kid is that when they freak out on me, it's because I'm a safe place to freak out. They can't freak out on their teachers or friends, but Mom will always love me no matter what.
It's fucking hard. But speaking calmly when they're freaking does help. Once they get their feelings out, then we have rational conversations.
Again... it still fucking sucks and it's hard. SO HARD. Hang in there Mama.
One consolation I've taken with my kid is that when they freak out on me, it's because I'm a safe place to freak out. They can't freak out on their teachers or friends, but Mom will always love me no matter what.
It's fucking hard. But speaking calmly when they're freaking does help. Once they get their feelings out, then we have rational conversations.
Again... it still fucking sucks and it's hard. SO HARD. Hang in there Mama.
katrina2017
New member
@chunhe889 I came to say exactly this. Your home is a safe place for her. Hang in there it does pass. Big hugs x
mikethebook
New member
@katrina2017 Yes. This. Yes you feel like a punching bag. I know the feeling. You are her safe place. It’s hard as hell but I do believe she will grow out of this phase.
katrina2017
New member
@chunhe889 Hello... I just wandered over here from r/toddlers cause we were talking about how these posts put our problems into perspective lol
Your comment stands out to me because it's the same for toddlers! At daycare our son is near heavenly but at home he is a monster terrorizing our home. Whining constantly. Throwing things. Hitting. Biting. It can be sooo hard to keep it together and remember to not take it personally.
Your comment stands out to me because it's the same for toddlers! At daycare our son is near heavenly but at home he is a monster terrorizing our home. Whining constantly. Throwing things. Hitting. Biting. It can be sooo hard to keep it together and remember to not take it personally.
@katrina2017 My husband works in a daycare, and yeah, its so true, hahahaha.
katrina2017
New member
@chunhe889 My son will literally be playing nicely and the second he sees us he starts whining and throwing shit. It's wild lol
unikitty999
New member
@kentonio What consequences does she get for her behavior? Teen years are hard, wouldn’t wish it in my worst enemy. But being her mom doesn’t mean she gets to use you as a punching bag or order you around like a servant. Let her know it’s ok to be upset but it’s not ok to make others upset by taking it out on them. Hold her accountable by talking things through with her, ask her why she feels that way, what is in her power to change the situation she’s unhappy about, what can you reasonably do as a mom to help or support her. Disengage when she’s being unreasonable or starts yelling. Tell her you’re going to pause the conversation because feelings are high at the moment and she can let you know when she’s ready to talk again later.
I would cut back on doing anything extra or above and beyond your mom duties for now. Don’t go out of your way to buy her a smoothie if she’s going to be ungrateful. When she has a better attitude you two cvs an get smoothies together.
Let her know that you’re concerned about how she’s been lately and wonder if her sports activities are contributing to her stress or have become a source of contention. Gently suggest that if it becomes apparent that she’s struggling to maintain good grades and emotionally handle sports simultaneously that she may need to take a step back from sport until she can sort it out. Say this gently and from a place of concern, not in a threatening manner. I’m sure at this point she’ll push back and get upset. That’s when you say “ok I don’t want that to happen either so let’s figure this out together. What changes can we make to get to a better place”.
Try to spend more quality time with her, it may be rough or uncomfortable at first if you don’t already do it but don’t give up and take baby steps. Try to do things that she enjoys doing, movies, binging Netflix, have her pick out a place to eat, play a game together in the phone, do a tik tok. During those times talk to her like you would talk to a friend or coworker. Take off your mom hat for a minute. At this age they want to feel grown and mature and when we talk to them like they are children and criticize them often and turn everything into a life lesson, it’s the opposite of them feeling mature.
Once things settle down Ask her for feedback. Maybe there’s something you’re doing as a parent that is upsetting her and causing friction. I like to periodically do “relationship check ups” where I ask is there anything I can be doing differently that would make our lives easier? I try my best to not be offended by the feedback (if your daughter is rude about it then have a conversation about how it’s ok to be honest but we have to find a way to be honest without being rude. It’s a good skill to learn and who better ti learn it with than the percent that loves her unconditionally). I then let her know how I’m feeling about our relationship, if there’s anything I would like her to do more or less of, and we come to an agreement that I will try to work on my thing while she works on hers. Long standing Relationships consists of work, communication, and compromise when needed. Again, another skill she should be working on.
I say this from one mom to another, you sound exhausted, depleted, burnt out on top of feeling unappreciated and disrespected. I wish I could give you a hug. Please take some time for yourself to recharge, practice self care, have coffee with a friend, go for a walk, etc. you can’t keep giving to others if you don’t have anything left to give. Let your daughter see you having your own life and being your own person instead of her personal assistant. Being able to recharge will also help you manage and control your feelings/reactions better when your daughter acts up or tries to provoke you. The best thing you can do is remain calm but firm in what you tolerate. I’m not embarrassed to admit when my teen and I were butting heads when we first transitioned into this phase my emotions were so intense that my doctor recommended Xanax to help me stay calm. I only needed a couple of times because once I was able to calmly practice my reactions a few times it became easier and the attitude stopped being as bad and frequent.
Anyways sorry for rambling. Best of luck with everything
I would cut back on doing anything extra or above and beyond your mom duties for now. Don’t go out of your way to buy her a smoothie if she’s going to be ungrateful. When she has a better attitude you two cvs an get smoothies together.
Let her know that you’re concerned about how she’s been lately and wonder if her sports activities are contributing to her stress or have become a source of contention. Gently suggest that if it becomes apparent that she’s struggling to maintain good grades and emotionally handle sports simultaneously that she may need to take a step back from sport until she can sort it out. Say this gently and from a place of concern, not in a threatening manner. I’m sure at this point she’ll push back and get upset. That’s when you say “ok I don’t want that to happen either so let’s figure this out together. What changes can we make to get to a better place”.
Try to spend more quality time with her, it may be rough or uncomfortable at first if you don’t already do it but don’t give up and take baby steps. Try to do things that she enjoys doing, movies, binging Netflix, have her pick out a place to eat, play a game together in the phone, do a tik tok. During those times talk to her like you would talk to a friend or coworker. Take off your mom hat for a minute. At this age they want to feel grown and mature and when we talk to them like they are children and criticize them often and turn everything into a life lesson, it’s the opposite of them feeling mature.
Once things settle down Ask her for feedback. Maybe there’s something you’re doing as a parent that is upsetting her and causing friction. I like to periodically do “relationship check ups” where I ask is there anything I can be doing differently that would make our lives easier? I try my best to not be offended by the feedback (if your daughter is rude about it then have a conversation about how it’s ok to be honest but we have to find a way to be honest without being rude. It’s a good skill to learn and who better ti learn it with than the percent that loves her unconditionally). I then let her know how I’m feeling about our relationship, if there’s anything I would like her to do more or less of, and we come to an agreement that I will try to work on my thing while she works on hers. Long standing Relationships consists of work, communication, and compromise when needed. Again, another skill she should be working on.
I say this from one mom to another, you sound exhausted, depleted, burnt out on top of feeling unappreciated and disrespected. I wish I could give you a hug. Please take some time for yourself to recharge, practice self care, have coffee with a friend, go for a walk, etc. you can’t keep giving to others if you don’t have anything left to give. Let your daughter see you having your own life and being your own person instead of her personal assistant. Being able to recharge will also help you manage and control your feelings/reactions better when your daughter acts up or tries to provoke you. The best thing you can do is remain calm but firm in what you tolerate. I’m not embarrassed to admit when my teen and I were butting heads when we first transitioned into this phase my emotions were so intense that my doctor recommended Xanax to help me stay calm. I only needed a couple of times because once I was able to calmly practice my reactions a few times it became easier and the attitude stopped being as bad and frequent.
Anyways sorry for rambling. Best of luck with everything
iconoclast
New member
@unikitty999 You're not rambling, these are great advices 
unikitty999
New member
@iconoclast Thank you so much! I appreciate the feedback. 
sparrowfeet
New member
@kentonio I am going to echo the safe place theory. Your daughter sounds 
normal teen. You did not do anything wrong, and she will not always be this way. Yes, it is exhausting and dispiriting. If I hadn’t had friends who were truth tellers, I would have thought my son was a total disaster. Teenagers are toddlers hidden in an adult-looking body. Their emotional regulation is very poor, their hormones are running amok, and school/ social life is incredibly stressful. I say this as a mom of a triple sport varsity athlete, homecoming/prom court, IB student, etc. For girls I think it starts and ends earlier, but you may be in for a bumpy few years. Take care of yourself and find truth telling friends. xoxo
My son is in his first year of college and I am slowly getting smarter and more tolerable. (Ha). I told my sister living with a teenager like this is like trying to live with someone who’s breaking up with you. And that’s what they’re doing, and it’s all normal and good. But it is literally one of the most painful things I’ve ever been through.
normal teen. You did not do anything wrong, and she will not always be this way. Yes, it is exhausting and dispiriting. If I hadn’t had friends who were truth tellers, I would have thought my son was a total disaster. Teenagers are toddlers hidden in an adult-looking body. Their emotional regulation is very poor, their hormones are running amok, and school/ social life is incredibly stressful. I say this as a mom of a triple sport varsity athlete, homecoming/prom court, IB student, etc. For girls I think it starts and ends earlier, but you may be in for a bumpy few years. Take care of yourself and find truth telling friends. xoxoMy son is in his first year of college and I am slowly getting smarter and more tolerable. (Ha). I told my sister living with a teenager like this is like trying to live with someone who’s breaking up with you. And that’s what they’re doing, and it’s all normal and good. But it is literally one of the most painful things I’ve ever been through.
beardedyouthpastor
New member
@sparrowfeet Third to say this; you’re her safe space. Good job! Untamed really helped us understand the emotional safety net that our teen daughter needed and why she was acting this way.
My daughter gets overwhelmed and lashes out like this, so we talk about what is overwhelming her and what changes we can make, safe adults she can bring in to assist.
My daughter gets overwhelmed and lashes out like this, so we talk about what is overwhelming her and what changes we can make, safe adults she can bring in to assist.
mikethebook
New member
@sparrowfeet Ahh! You nailed it!! It is like living with someone who is breaking up with you!!! And they are in a way!!
@kentonio This sounds like a mood regulation disorder, my daughter has been the same way with me for several years and after lots of hard work and therapy, we have great communication and no arguing. She even cleaned the fridge, did her laundry, and grocery shopped for the family on her own while I was at work. I buy her all the smoothies and little happy surprises now to express my extreme gratitude that she has re-joined the family dynamic in a healthy and joyful way. She is back to being the happy little girl I’ve missed.
Not saying a mood disorder is what this is, but offering another perspective to consider. Yes the house is a safe space, her knowing that still doesn’t solve whatever else is going on with her that has nothing to do with you. “I Hate You Don’t Leave Me” is a great book to see if any of your experiences are reflected.
What’s her social media looking like? Do you know? When my daughter acted like this she was either being bullied online or responded by bullying. I didn’t know unless her sister watched her “secret” accounts. The anger flame is getting fed and fanned, and it could have to do with social media. It’s going to feel like an issue at home because that’s where she is releasing her feelings about whatever else is going on. Anger is a sign of depression, I’d get her to a therapist, listen to their assessment, and ask for a therapist to mediate between the two of you when you have a big issue to address. You’d be surprised what your child won’t tell you simply because they don’t think it’s causing them mental anguish even though it’s clear to us that it is. Reacting rather than responding has become her norm.
When she is abusive towards you, which she is being, don’t even try to rationalize or reason or argue. Don’t engage. Walk away and tell her you will pick back up when she has calmed down. Try it again later. Don’t engage until she is calm. This isn’t just for her sake but yours, you have got to be the adult and step away and not let her get the best of you. The teen will always win the fight because they can carry it on way longer than we can or want to. So stop it and she won’t be getting whatever release, satisfaction, negative attention, she is needing. It’s kind of like a reinforcement loop.
When my daughter would finally calm down, then I’d say, “how about we go grab lunch and talk about what’s really going on?” What a difference when I switched my approach.
Good luck to you. I’d take this very seriously from a mental health perspective. Before we worked things out my daughter went downhill fast at the same age. By the time she was 17 she was in a facility for self harm, and it did get far worse before it got better. I stupidly thought it was all about me and our dynamics when in reality I was only adding fuel to other things that were already causing her pain. That fuel came in the form of weak boundaries and my anger flashing because I kept thinking “why isn’t this very simple low stakes request to her not being honored?”
Teens don’t have the understanding or the language yet, so you have to lead here and you can only do that with a calm head. Take care of yourself. When she loses her shit, go take a bath. When you have a minute to yourself, go get a massage.
*edit to add: when my daughter calms down and we go to lunch to talk about what the real issue is, sometimes it IS me. Sometimes it’s a tone I’ve used or her interpretation of something I’ve said or done. Today She addresses it directly with me instead of yelling or rebelling. I LOVE this because then I get to say I’m sorry, thank you, I will do better. I show her respect, she shows me respect, we both apologize. I do the work too, because I’m not a perfect mom. AND sometimes her pointing something out to me doesn’t need an apology from me, today she also says “I’m sorry mom, I have not had a good day and I took it out on you. I wasn’t really mad about what you did, it was … (usually boyfriend/social group related). We are their practice for the real world, you want to teach her how to be with others.
Not saying a mood disorder is what this is, but offering another perspective to consider. Yes the house is a safe space, her knowing that still doesn’t solve whatever else is going on with her that has nothing to do with you. “I Hate You Don’t Leave Me” is a great book to see if any of your experiences are reflected.
What’s her social media looking like? Do you know? When my daughter acted like this she was either being bullied online or responded by bullying. I didn’t know unless her sister watched her “secret” accounts. The anger flame is getting fed and fanned, and it could have to do with social media. It’s going to feel like an issue at home because that’s where she is releasing her feelings about whatever else is going on. Anger is a sign of depression, I’d get her to a therapist, listen to their assessment, and ask for a therapist to mediate between the two of you when you have a big issue to address. You’d be surprised what your child won’t tell you simply because they don’t think it’s causing them mental anguish even though it’s clear to us that it is. Reacting rather than responding has become her norm.
When she is abusive towards you, which she is being, don’t even try to rationalize or reason or argue. Don’t engage. Walk away and tell her you will pick back up when she has calmed down. Try it again later. Don’t engage until she is calm. This isn’t just for her sake but yours, you have got to be the adult and step away and not let her get the best of you. The teen will always win the fight because they can carry it on way longer than we can or want to. So stop it and she won’t be getting whatever release, satisfaction, negative attention, she is needing. It’s kind of like a reinforcement loop.
When my daughter would finally calm down, then I’d say, “how about we go grab lunch and talk about what’s really going on?” What a difference when I switched my approach.
Good luck to you. I’d take this very seriously from a mental health perspective. Before we worked things out my daughter went downhill fast at the same age. By the time she was 17 she was in a facility for self harm, and it did get far worse before it got better. I stupidly thought it was all about me and our dynamics when in reality I was only adding fuel to other things that were already causing her pain. That fuel came in the form of weak boundaries and my anger flashing because I kept thinking “why isn’t this very simple low stakes request to her not being honored?”
Teens don’t have the understanding or the language yet, so you have to lead here and you can only do that with a calm head. Take care of yourself. When she loses her shit, go take a bath. When you have a minute to yourself, go get a massage.
*edit to add: when my daughter calms down and we go to lunch to talk about what the real issue is, sometimes it IS me. Sometimes it’s a tone I’ve used or her interpretation of something I’ve said or done. Today She addresses it directly with me instead of yelling or rebelling. I LOVE this because then I get to say I’m sorry, thank you, I will do better. I show her respect, she shows me respect, we both apologize. I do the work too, because I’m not a perfect mom. AND sometimes her pointing something out to me doesn’t need an apology from me, today she also says “I’m sorry mom, I have not had a good day and I took it out on you. I wasn’t really mad about what you did, it was … (usually boyfriend/social group related). We are their practice for the real world, you want to teach her how to be with others.
finnallen101
New member
@kentonio My daughter is like this with my wife.. she doesn’t reply to questions , snaps at her.. she does that to some extent with me. In our home, my wife threatens to punish her but does not follow through.. I always follow through, so she does not mess with me, though I do this less frequently..
One thing which did work for me is I catch her in weekend when she is relaxed and have a calm conversation- why are you mad? Is something upsetting you at school. What are your frustrations.. basically get her to open up.. at the end I tell her how it affects us and then calmly tell her certain actions won’t be tolerated.
Having said all this, I feel sometimes Iam being too soft.. or sometimes maybe Iam being too harsh.. I feel like i failed as a parent many times.. just hang in there.
One thing which did work for me is I catch her in weekend when she is relaxed and have a calm conversation- why are you mad? Is something upsetting you at school. What are your frustrations.. basically get her to open up.. at the end I tell her how it affects us and then calmly tell her certain actions won’t be tolerated.
Having said all this, I feel sometimes Iam being too soft.. or sometimes maybe Iam being too harsh.. I feel like i failed as a parent many times.. just hang in there.
monstershouter
New member
@kentonio Have you considered therapy? She may not have the mental tools needed to handle the increasingly intense emotions that teenagerhood brings.
Also a therapist may be able to help spot any mood regulation disorder that might be at play.
At home, maybe a gentle reminder that you're trying to be helpful, are on her team and want to work together to find a way to help relieve her stress?
Also a therapist may be able to help spot any mood regulation disorder that might be at play.
At home, maybe a gentle reminder that you're trying to be helpful, are on her team and want to work together to find a way to help relieve her stress?
@kentonio This sounds so hard, holy cow. Difficult to see through these behaviors into the “little” girl inside who’s trying (and failing!) to figure out how to navigate distress. Does she have any friends or other influences that could be modeling these kinds of behaviors? Are there any examples in her life of adults who fly off the handle and treat others as punching bags when they’re distressed? Flip side — any role models who exhibit well-regulated emotional responses and calm, even-keeled self-expression when agitated?
Maybe consider also adding privileges when she ‘gets it right,’ not just punishing her when she acts out poorly. Combining sticks+carrots approach might let her know that you aren’t just watching closely for bad behavior and ready to respond with a punitive measure, but you also “see” her when she is calm, kind, and emotionally regulated, and are ready to respond with at least verbal praise or more. And while I do agree that therapy for her could be helpful, I’d suggest offer the idea of seeking out therapy for you — hire a therapist who specializes in treating adolescents, and use your 1:1 sessions to gain support for and process your challenges, frustrations, and parenting strategies. This sounds like a lot for you to hold/handle - get a professional in your corner!
Maybe consider also adding privileges when she ‘gets it right,’ not just punishing her when she acts out poorly. Combining sticks+carrots approach might let her know that you aren’t just watching closely for bad behavior and ready to respond with a punitive measure, but you also “see” her when she is calm, kind, and emotionally regulated, and are ready to respond with at least verbal praise or more. And while I do agree that therapy for her could be helpful, I’d suggest offer the idea of seeking out therapy for you — hire a therapist who specializes in treating adolescents, and use your 1:1 sessions to gain support for and process your challenges, frustrations, and parenting strategies. This sounds like a lot for you to hold/handle - get a professional in your corner!