avidatheist25
New member
I’m not sure if this is the right place, but I’m hoping to get some good advice and do the right thing for my kiddo.
TLDR: STBXH and I separated. We share our daughter (3 1/2). I’ve always been the primary parent and toddler is vocal about not wanting to be with her dad. We’re supposed to have 50/50 but he keeps being unavailable during the times she’s supposed to be with him. How do help them build a strong relationship? What can I do?
My STBXH separated in April, I moved out in early July. I was always the primary parent and he was emotionally distant both from me and our daughter. Our daughter relied, and currently relies, on me for everything - love, comfort, structure, everything day-to-day for her health and well-being. She always wants me. When her dad and I were together, I would try to get him more involved and present with her, i.e. not only taking her to do fun things, but also just sitting with her, talking to her, playing with her, reading, etc. in the hopes that she would start trusting him and being willing to spend more time with him. He either couldn’t or wouldn’t.
Since we’ve been separated, we had agreed on 50/50 custody. This is not how things have played out, despite him saying that he wants 50/50 and misses her terribly. More often than not, she is with me for longer stretches - 1 week, ten days, 2 weeks, and so-on, and will spend a night or a weekend with her dad. This isn’t for lack of trying on my part. I’m very close with my dad and I want my little girl to have a good relationship with her daddy. He simply won’t plan and continues to tell me reasons why she can’t stay with him for more than a night or two - his work schedule is up in the air, he has to leave early in the morning for something, that sort of thing. Which is ok with me, I would happily have my little one with me all the time. She and I are happy together in our routine, her needs are being met, and she feels safe and loved.
But I desperately don’t want to stand in the way of her relationship with her dad, so I continue to be flexible and do everything I can to make sure that when he’s available, he can spend time with her. However, she consistently says that she doesn’t want to go with him, that she doesn’t miss him, she wants to stay with me, his house is too different, etc. I tend to just listen and empathize with her “it’s hard when things are different,” “it’s ok to feel however you feel,” “your daddy loves you and you always have a good time with him, you can talk to me on the phone whenever you want,” things like that. Is this ok? I want to support her, but I also know her relationship with her dad won’t grow or get better if they don’t spend time together. I try to avoid giving her dad parenting advice, hoping that he’ll find his way as her dad and not wanting him to feel judged or defensive. Whatever has happened between him and me, I don’t want our child to suffer. She deserves to have both of her parents.
TLDR: STBXH and I separated. We share our daughter (3 1/2). I’ve always been the primary parent and toddler is vocal about not wanting to be with her dad. We’re supposed to have 50/50 but he keeps being unavailable during the times she’s supposed to be with him. How do help them build a strong relationship? What can I do?
My STBXH separated in April, I moved out in early July. I was always the primary parent and he was emotionally distant both from me and our daughter. Our daughter relied, and currently relies, on me for everything - love, comfort, structure, everything day-to-day for her health and well-being. She always wants me. When her dad and I were together, I would try to get him more involved and present with her, i.e. not only taking her to do fun things, but also just sitting with her, talking to her, playing with her, reading, etc. in the hopes that she would start trusting him and being willing to spend more time with him. He either couldn’t or wouldn’t.
Since we’ve been separated, we had agreed on 50/50 custody. This is not how things have played out, despite him saying that he wants 50/50 and misses her terribly. More often than not, she is with me for longer stretches - 1 week, ten days, 2 weeks, and so-on, and will spend a night or a weekend with her dad. This isn’t for lack of trying on my part. I’m very close with my dad and I want my little girl to have a good relationship with her daddy. He simply won’t plan and continues to tell me reasons why she can’t stay with him for more than a night or two - his work schedule is up in the air, he has to leave early in the morning for something, that sort of thing. Which is ok with me, I would happily have my little one with me all the time. She and I are happy together in our routine, her needs are being met, and she feels safe and loved.
But I desperately don’t want to stand in the way of her relationship with her dad, so I continue to be flexible and do everything I can to make sure that when he’s available, he can spend time with her. However, she consistently says that she doesn’t want to go with him, that she doesn’t miss him, she wants to stay with me, his house is too different, etc. I tend to just listen and empathize with her “it’s hard when things are different,” “it’s ok to feel however you feel,” “your daddy loves you and you always have a good time with him, you can talk to me on the phone whenever you want,” things like that. Is this ok? I want to support her, but I also know her relationship with her dad won’t grow or get better if they don’t spend time together. I try to avoid giving her dad parenting advice, hoping that he’ll find his way as her dad and not wanting him to feel judged or defensive. Whatever has happened between him and me, I don’t want our child to suffer. She deserves to have both of her parents.