Sudden change of heart

[katharina800]

My husband and I have an amazing two and a half year old, Beastie. Ever since he was born, I "knew" he would be my one and only. My husband was happy with that, especially considering my severe PPD-R, even though he's always wanted two.

Over the last few months, I've been discussing with myself how I felt about this and it's changing. The other night, I told my DH that I changed my mind about him getting a vasectomy. I really do think I want another, but laid the condition it would need to be IF I'm ever able to get off my meds and over PPD-R with the only cutoff being me turning 40, so ten years.

What are some pros or cons on large age gaps? Ideally, my Beastie would be maybe 6-8 years old, so 4-6 years out.

 

[katrina2017]

@katharina800 I’m 5 years older than my brother. We didn’t willingly hang out together as kids but once he was a teen we were thick as thieves. Still very close in our 30s.

My parents made us do stuff together all through childhood. My brother looked up to me and loved it and I was annoyed by him tagging along. We did ski lessons and sleep away summer camp together every year. Looking back, this effort on my parents part definitely kept us close even though we were far apart in age. My husband has a similar age gap with his older sister and they had separate activities and are not close at all.

So if you’re fine with making the effort to keep your kids doing stuff together a large age gap is not a big deal in the long run.

 

[utookmyname]

@katrina2017 Was your husband okay with his sister? Neutrality isn't necessarily a lose, even if not as good as friendship.

 

[katrina2017]

@utookmyname They are definitely not ok. They don’t outwardly fight because they don’t talk at all aside from family visits with their parents. He doesn’t want to have a war with her because it would hurt his mom. If you ask me he has issues standing up to her because she bullied him as a kid. There was a ton of unspoken competition between them growing up which lead to a lot of stereotyping. He was a pro athlete and she got a PhD: I don’t need to say anymore beyond those facts.

He is polite-ish towards her but seething mad each time we leave a visit. I think some of it is their personalities: he is very reserved with his feelings and she has made him to feel stupid his whole life so he won’t speak up. She is a mad scientist head-in-book type and seems oblivious to him in almost every way. When they are together he plays the insensitive jock role and she plays the eccentric academic. The only thing they do agree on is our kids spending time together and being close cousins.

ETA: my husband has said many times how he wishes he got along with his sister like I get along with my brother. My brother basically become his little brother over time: they are definitely closer than he is with his sister or her husband. Also his sibling relationship is his big reason for being OAD; mine is that I don’t enjoy pregnancy and babies. I’d be willing to give our daughter a sibling and suck up the parts I hate if she could have a close sister or brother like I do, but he believes I’d be disappointed if it turned out like his sibling relationship, and he’s right.

 

[utookmyname]

@katrina2017 Thank you for sharing. I'd be very disappointed too and it's a big reason I'm on the fence. I'm an only and my husband has good sibling relationships. They're not similar in personality and his siblings poked fun at him a bit but they weren't competitive. I'd like to think it's parenting but there's simply no guarantees.

 

[katharina800]

@katrina2017 We plan to do both. My husband wasn't forced to do things with his younger brother, but I was all the time. We're in the field of certain things should be siblings activities, but special interests should be solo activities. We want to make sure Beastie has his own path and so does hypothetical little one.

 

[katrina2017]

@katharina800 Yeah that’s what my parents did. We had to ski together each winter and go to camp together each summer. I hated skiiing and loved camp; my brother loved skiing and hated camp. I did horseback riding as my own thing and my brother had his dirt bikes. I wasn’t allowed to have a dirt bike cause it was his thing, he wasn’t allowed to have a horse cause it was my thing. We never felt competitive with each other.

 

[nanajojo]

@katharina800 I have a sister who’s 7 years older than me and as kids we weren’t super close but we weren’t strangers either. I know she would play with me when I was young and we would watch movies together. She was definitely in a big sister role but the gap made us have quite different interests as she was 13 when I was just 6. Once I became a teenager we could sort of relate more and now as adults we are really close. I can relate to her so much now as we are both adults.

 

[utookmyname]

@katharina800 It depends on the personality of the first. My friend (quite regretfully as an adult) bullied his little sister with a 7y gap. It was easy to do and his parents didn't interject or notice. Men aren't meant to take an active role in his home country and his parents were immigrants, so they never tried to get him involved. The adjustment was harsh, he was jealous. That's The worst case.

In many other cases, the older takes a mentor role. It depends partially on personality but also largely on how well you do with involving the older one and framing it as him being a mentor and how much the next will love him. Involve him but don't force extra responsibilities or chores because this was not his decision. He'll be old enough to resent you if he suddenly becomes a mini parent.

 

[katharina800]

@utookmyname Beastie is incredibly affectionate, but boisterous. I don't want him within ten miles of the parent role. That's what I was growing up and I resented my siblings for a long a time.

 

[kaykay8]

@katharina800 Im 7 years older than my brother, and I absolutely love him. He was my baby as a baby, I changed his diapers, but as we got older he’s still my little man, even though he’s 30.

 

[allenkrookham]

@katharina800 I'm 7 years younger than my brother, and 10 years older than my sister.

Pros on large age gaps:

• you have the full attention from your parents growing up, so that's a plus.
• I'd loved helping my little sister when she was younger.
• For our parents it was also quite relaxed to have a settled life and have gone through all the phases and be relaxed about it.

Cons:

• you are in different phases in your lives, so that can be difficult to find something to bond over. Although my little sister and older brother have the similar interests (such as gaming) now they are older lol.
• Because my parents were so relax with our little sister, and very strict with my brother and even more with me, we'd take over some parenting, which wasn't ok ofcourse. So you'd have to be careful to make sure the siblings will have the sibling relationship.

 

[nhule8805]

@katharina800 I am 8 years older than my brother. We have a good relationship (not negative) but very different than my relationship with my sister (two year gap). My sister and I played together, most of my memories of my brother’s childhood are of me driving him places as a teenager.

 

[zakaland]

@katharina800 I have a 10 year age gap with my brother. I'm the older one. The transition wasn't good, but I think that's due to my parents. (They have personality disorders.) I remember a few good memories from when my brother was 3-10, but mostly I ignored him. I was a teenager and had other interests, plus parents tried to pit us against each other. Since he turned 16, we've been pretty close, but it will always a mentoring relationship and we'll be always in different life stages.

I'm planning to either be one and done or have two kids with 3-5y age gap. So close enough that they have similar interests, but far enough that I'm not too overwhelmed.

 

[skankhunt42]

@katharina800 His name is Beastie?

 

[katharina800]

@skankhunt42 Just a nickname!