Spacing between #3 and #4?

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bob999

New member
Before I start, I know there's no right answer to this! Appreciate everyone's perspectives, it really helps me think through it.

Our (37M, 34F) kids are currently 6, 3, and 2 months. We've deliberately spaced them 2.5-3 years apart for my own sanity and wanting to have the time to treasure the baby while they're little.

However, I am tired of the grind of finding (and frankly, paying for) qualified childcare. We both work full time and we've had au pairs since my second was born and while it's been an amazing experience, I am ready to be done spending ~$45k on childcare (this includes au pair costs, YMCA summer programs, and part time pre k for my 3 yr old). We are in a HCOL area with no family help and everything is as affordable as I can find it.

I would normally not want a smaller age gap, but it brings us a little closer to not needing such a high amount of childcare, maybe it's not a bad idea, and maybe it makes sense to start TTC when #3 turns 1.

For those of you with a smaller gap between #3 and #4, how did it go for you?

I've also noticed most big families have one stay at home parent. Neither of us wants to stay at home and prefers working.. is that even possible? It already feels like it'll be a stretch to work ft with three kids.
 
@bob999 4 kids 4 and under here…4 year old twins, 2 year old and 12 month old. We too pay a lot for full time daycare for all but the 1 year old given my wife was breastfeeding. She quit her job after the twins and we make it work for now but she is looking forward to getting back to work once all 4 are in daycare or school.

The twins have their own click naturally and love the baby. The two year old is the odd man out but recently has been playing with the baby now that she is getting closer to walking.

It’s definitely chaotic at times but getting better. Going from 2-3 was way harder than 3-4 given the parents know they are outnumbered and learn how to cope. Personally I’d rather get it over quick than have 10 years worth of babies every two years if you plan on a big family. My 2 cents.
 
@tinah1973 Thank you, appreciate the perspective! Since my first three are spaced out a bit I'm not sure I'd want to go back to having a baby in 4-5 years for #4.

So far the transition to 2-3 is exactly like you said, it's tough being outnumbered but I imagine it gets better when the youngest is more independent (and, like, not a newborn 😂)
 
@bob999 Almost the same age gaps as you (5, 3, 0 in May 2024). To be honest, we will probably have to be done at 3 due to work and also HCOL area. If some way we do have a 4th, there will be a 3 - 4 year age gap between the 3rd and 4th.

It really comes down to us having to account for having a 4th bedroom eventually instead of 3, which in HCOL is an issue.

I'd love to have 4 - 6, but I really don't think I could do it without working.
 
@bob999 Our first two are 19 months apart, then almost 3 years and then 2.5 years (4 kids in just over 7 years) We had just shy of 10 years with someone in diapers and there were some rough years before they were all in school. Our gap between 2 and 3 was due to a cross country move and a miscarriage. I was home full time for the first two and then went back to work when #3 was just shy of a year. Worked a couple of years before #4 and then was home for 3 years before going back part time, eventually full time once all in school. I can’t imagine having worked full time through all of that.
 
@bob999 Our first 2 are 2 years apart, then a gap of 5 years before the twins. So I have 8,6,1,1. Love that both the big kids and the little kids have a sibling close in age, but that the big ones are a bit older and more independent. I’d highly recommend spacing a bit, as it is definitely made it easier having babies in the house, with slightly older kids!
 
Also, hubby and I both work 4 days each. Reliable childcare and a network of babysitters/nannies/grandparents makes everything manageable!
 
@bob999 Not exactly your question but my first two are exactly 2 years apart. I stay home. 2 very close together is HARD. Worth it in many ways, but back to back pregnancies, 2 in diapers, 2 needing full time attention is definitely harder than a 3 year gap in my experience. My concern if I was in your boat would be more about the logistics of a 4th in general than the care costs.

If I were you, and definitely wanted a 4th, I might suggest a larger gap, not smaller. If you aim for, say 4-5 years, your older children would be in school, maybe after school club (or whatever they call it where you are) and the eldest would stop needing much extra care before the 4th was done needing care, so that could offset things. I know that puts you in the trenches longer, advanced maternal age pregnancy, and all that. Definitely not things to brush off lightly. If I were to go back to full time I wouldn't attempt a small gap again. It can certainly be done, but I wouldn't want that level of stress.
 
@renob Thank you, so helpful!

I agree, and that's why I've always spaced them out so carefully. I wouldn't mind a bigger gap than 3 years either, especially if I could already have my third in pre-k. I definitely think that makes more sense than a very close spacing, but a close spacing would also let me lump them together a little, logistically and cost wise. Pros and cons!
 
@bob999 It's always so hard! You are right, there just isn't a right answer. I'll say that, once they're a little older, the 2 year gap is great in many ways. They're often in the same activities or are in back to back classes whereas the younger one isn't even on the same day or not eligible yet. So, there's certainly some benefits to be had both financially and logistically as well. With older kids at home it might be a bit easier in some ways too as they could, at least in theory, help out a little.
 
@bob999 It’s still hard to say - #4 is only 8 months old. The gap is 22 months between #3 & #4 however #3 is a twin. I find now that my daughter is more mobile (crawling, pulling to stand) the “older” kids interact with her more.
 
@bob999 You have to pay it regardless. It just spreads the bill out further. My husband works and I stay at home. I already feel like I don’t have enough time to give my four. It is a stretch to work full time with even just one child. If I didn’t stay home, I wouldn’t have had more than 2 or 3, it’s really really hard on the living children you do have to not see their parents much and then to have to share it with a lot of children when the chance arises.
 
@bob999 Double income four kids here. You need a solid support network. Failproof childcare, understanding employers. I’m the breadwinner but I still have to tell my husband what needs to be done and when. It’s not easy at all but it can be done.

Kids are 10, 8, 3, 1. So we do have a lot of running around after school and stuff with the older kids.
 
@bob999 We are in eerily similar circumstances, down to ages of current kids (7,4 18 months) and I'm due with our 4th in a few weeks 😅. My husband and I both work and have a 40 hr/week nanny, but our area is probably a bit less COL. Over half my take home pay goes to our nanny but I don't really mind because I do enjoy working, and I work from home so I still get a lot of time with my kids. My oldest is in school and my 2nd will be in school next year.

Obviously I don't know yet what having 4 will be like, but I do feel a bit bad that our current youngest is still such a baby. I'm having some anxiety about the newborn period for sure, but people do manage this spacing all the time somehow. We didn't choose this spacing (4th was wanted but timing was accidental tbh) but we're just trying to make the best of it. It still feels like it's going to be forever until we don't need any childcare.
 
@doge9000 Same here, about half of my take home pay is childcare. Which is fine because same, I love working and I know we won't be paying so much for childcare forever. And I also wfh so I see them a lot!

I hope everything goes well for you with #4! ❤️❤️
 
@bob999 Two of my four are spaced basically the same we conceived shortly after his first birthday. I did miss out on giving him plenty of baby time he did have more jealousy and didn't like the baby where the other babies he absolutely loved because they didn't take away his baby time. However now that they're four and five they get along most of the time still not as close as with the others but there is nice that I can save money on clothes since they're so close in size they can do lessons together because they're in the same learning bracket if I could do it again though I personally would have spread it out a little longer as much as it is saving some money I would prefer a better stronger sibling Bond or positive dynamic.
 
@bob999 Do you really want 5+ more years of childcare? Once the childcare costs go away, the expensiveness of kids never goes away. You’ll be paying for summer camps for the next 12+ years if not longer. Are these expenses you really want to continue with?
 
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