Single parent because of a DUI

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kim75

New member
Crazy to think that my POS “partner” drove a few meters drunk 6 years ago leading to him getting driving licence confiscated > losing job > moving abroad > 1 year prison.

He never did anything else wrong in his life. And I knew about the DUI when I met him 4 years ago (I wish I could go back in time and never meet him) but I assumed it was considered a misdemeanour and that it wasn’t “a big deal” considering it’s the only mistake he’s ever done. I wish I hadn’t been so stupid.

Because he’s an idiot or mentally slow, or I don’t know what’s wrong with him, somehting happened along the way and he fucked up the parole living abroad so yes now the POS is going to jail for 1 year.

I had a baby with this idiot. I never knew this could happen. I can’t deal with it. I want to die, if there was a button I would press it. But I don’t know how to go about it because I’m a coward and probably would screw up and end up disabled instead.

I haven’t even told anyone because I’m too ashamed. I live far from family and friends. I have a well paying job that I would be an idiot quitting according to everyone. But I just can’t see myself all alone and working full time and a baby.
 
@kim75 Yo. I'm a single mom. Been one for 19 years.

First of all, millions of moms work every day. I, for one, think it really helped my kids. They had a lot more socialization than I could give them. Bonus, they were perfectly happy to hang out at home on the weekends I wasn't working. Like, legit, we are introverted extroverts who need downtime and are good on our own.

My kids are a lot more independent than a lot of their friends. They had to help with a lot more daily chores. They had to get jobs to help pay for their cars, gas, etc. They also had to learn how to adult (get good credit, apply for jobs, healthcare appointments, etc) because I simply didn't have the time for everything.

Also, single parenting it, while hard, makes you feel kinda like a boss. Insert the, I do what I want meme. Don't want your kid to have long hair as a toddler? Boom. No long hair. Want bedtime to be 7 instead of 8? Boom. Bedtime at 7. Want to eat takeout on Fridays instead of Saturday? Boom. Takeout Fridays.

I can also say 100% that my relationship with my daughters is the shit. We didn't have a "talk to other parent about this" conversations. I had to know what was going on. There were no parental fights. It was my kids and me. The three musketeers.

Finally, you get to listen to other parents a) bitch about their SO and be like, "Thank fuck I don't have to deal with that shit" and b)it cuts down on the bullshit whining about how hard it is from married folks. Like, yeah, we get it. Your husband is out of town. Super hard. 🙄
 
@kim75 My point is, you're doing a good job, too.

Give yourself a break and some grace. Be gentle with yourself because this is a shock. Take a moment and breathe. Don't beat yourself up. Do what you think is best and refuse to apologize for it.

Your life might be a bit crazy but you'll get the swing of things.
 
@naveenjiram This is exactly how I feel. I’ve been a single parent for 2.5 years and it’s been more a superpower than anything - I do NOT need to discuss or compromise decisions on my child’s structure or routine. But I do seek out discussions with friends to see if there are other factors I failed to weigh in to my decisions.
 
@joe_raymond you're not anything other than a woman who made an error in judgment in who you slept with. MILLIONS of women do that every day and several hundred thousand end up pregnant.

What defines you is not that you slept with this person - 99.5%+ women have a person they regret sleeping with in their sexual history at some point in their life.. a good portion of them more than one

No love, what defines you is not your past - but the steps you take now.

Are you going to curl up in a ball and sob in fear and shame?

Or are you going to look your precious angel in their eyes, grab yourself by your lady b@lls (* note at end), and stand tall to fight the oncoming battle to be the best mama you can be? On your own for now.. but maybe not on your own forever

If you're going to stand up, there are some things to help you out... and asking for help is not weak.. it is making a wise choice to utilize all available assets - and even if you're working - GO to these places and apply! particularly if you're working minimum wage - you may not get as much help as someone with no income, but you may get some help

1) Apply for W.I.C. if you're not on it & baby is under 5

2) Go to DSHS or the equivalent where you are and apply for;
a) food stamps
b) TANF (temporary assistance for needy families) aka cash assistance
c) medical help for you
d) medical for your child
e) child care assistance
f) Housing/rental assistance - particularly if mr prison jumpsuit was helping you pay rent.

3) go to Child Support Enforcement - ask for help establishing a child support order (if Mr. P is on the birth cert) or Establishing Paternaty & Child Support. Thankfully, with him going to prison.. CSE & the courts will know exactly where to find him

4) Part of establishing child support will put you in front of a judge a good percentage of the time.. Request FULL custody with either no visitation or supervised visitation until he has been verified as sober for 3 years post prison release. Cite his DUI & the fact he was unable to follow clear cut rules laid out for him by the courts as a reason to doubt his ability to safely provide care for a child (3 years is typically a good length of time.. but I know people who have asked for 5, knowing the courts would reduce the time down)

5) Call 211 & ask for help with finding grants to get help paying for utilities - locating food banks + their days/times - programs to subsidize child care. finding low income apartments

there are a lot of support programs to try & get help from. Many may be full/out of funds - but hopefully you will find some help

good luck to you Mama

you got this.. just remember- there is help here
 
@kim75 my sons father died DUI on a bicycle just this past spring. aside from the grief of the permanent loss of a good fucking person who made an insanely massive and stupid mistake, in regards to parenting i felt a lot like you describe here right after the accident.
one of the earliest thoughts i can remember having is "i'm fucked". 9 months out and it's still incredibly hard in moments (i hope to get to the level of self assuredness the "yo im a single mom" commenter has, like for real) but i'll tell you, i already feel a bit of what she described. this ship now runs by MY parental decisions and there is empowerment in that. i feel a lot less "fucked" already. the anger over their absence subsides a bit too. best wishes, stick with it for yourself and your baby. it might just turn out you can do this 🤗
 
@washinigtoncounty2017 I’m so sorry to hear that. I’m not so confident, it’s incredibly hard while still on maternity and while the father is still here awaiting court. Imagine working 50 hours a week (I’m including commuting here) and being all alone. Are you just supposed to let them scream while you take a minute getting in the shower and getting dressed? I don’t even understand how it’s possible.
 
@kim75 yes, she will probably cry while you get yourself ready for life in this incredibly demanding modern world. of course that is not something you want to happen nor imagined happening when you thought about what life would be like with your baby.
it is also NOT a reflection of your parenting abilities. it is said not to diminish your overwhelm but said to encourage you that, little by little, you will find ways to make this work. there are a lot of layers to what you're dealing with here and, imo, if you're focused on these practicalities around your baby and yourself, your head is 100% in the right place. keep going.
 
@kim75 Hey, he could be in prison for way worse. Think of all the partners single-parenting the kids of those dudes when you need some perspective.
 
@kim75 Many single parents work, have kids, and are alone. It definitely is a tough lifestyle but you can do it. However, you do have an option of adoption or making someone a legal guardian if they agree.
 
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