Should we have #2 at 40M/37F with a 7 year old?

[treadstone]

Hi all,

Long time lurker and currently going through indecision about being OAD. We are currently 40M and 37F and initially wanted 2 kids. We had our daughter 7 years ago. We then decided to be OAD due to multiple reasons:

• Our relationship went downhill due to the stress of a newborn.
• My father, whom I had a close relationship with, passed away unexpectedly 6 years ago. I also had to be a caregiver for my mom who's difficult to deal with, and helping her adjust to the new life without my father added to my mental stress. It further strained the relationship with my wife.
• We are immigrants, so no nearby village or family to help out.

However, I am currently having second thoughts being OAD and wondering if we should try for a second now. Things in favor of it:

• Our relationship is now in a better state.
• All of my friends are having two kids, and my daughter keeps asking why don't we have another baby. That breaks my heart.
• We are financially stable and can afford nanny, etc.
• We are immigrants and are concerned about our daughter being lonely when we pass away. It seems to come up a lot in r/onlychild forum.

Things against it:

• Do not want to risk sabotaging the relationship with my wife again. We have worked hard on making it better again.
• No village to help. In fact, both my mom and wife's parents are getting older and are in another continent. They might be needing our help soon.
• We both have good careers and we'll have to take a step down, e.g., my wife switching to SAHM for a bit and I taking a lower stress job. We can do it financially but I wonder if we'll resent that down the line since it might be difficult to come back considering the careers we are in.
• Older age -- high risk of birth defects, lower energy, being 60 when the younger one goes to college, etc. My wife has family history of diabetes and is pre-diabetic. Another pregnancy might push her over.
• I know that large age gap between siblings is not a big issue but it does affect the family dynamics, i.e., finding common activities, harder travel, etc.. In fact, large age gap is the biggest worry for my wife.
• Both me and my wife have siblings that we are not close to (but don't consider them a negative influence).

If I had an oracle that told me that my daughter will grow up to be a happy adult with a community and will not regret being an only child, I will comfortably put away the thought of having the second kid and focus on spending time with her. I know that having "another kid as a sibling for your first one" is a bad reason, but when I talk to grown up only children, the wish to have a sibling seems to come up a lot, especially as they get older. Plus, we will love the younger kid equally.

The indecision is affecting my sleep and health. Everywhere I go, and I see siblings playing with each other, it saddens me. I am wondering if the reddit community has any advice?

 

[ckoel]

@treadstone I think you have good reasons for being OAD, and it sounds to me like you primarily want to have a second child for your current child’s benefit and not for your own. You didn’t mention longing for a baby, only that “everyone else is doing it”. It seems quite clear to me (and this conundrum rarely does!). Is your wife longing for a baby, specifically, independent of other concerns?

I think it can be especially hard on women to face their childbearing phase of life being over.

With one child you could focus on supporting her social needs and increase her chances of being able to build her own village/community. She can hopefully grow closer to your friends’ kids, almost like cousins…or even grow up to babysit or volunteer with children. It’s not the same, but as an only child myself who became a babysitter as a teen and teacher as an adult (and now a mother), it’s totally possible.

I just lost my mom and while it was hard to not have siblings to share that with, I know of several families who became estranged from one another over an inheritance or feelings of unfair division of labor regarding elder care.

I hope this was helpful!

 

[treadstone]

@ckoel Thanks for sharing your perspective. You are right that doing it for current child's benefit is a big reason. I am having a hard time convincing myself if that's a bad reason given that I see so many siblings being thankful for each other (while I understand that some aren't). And I wonder if my regret will grow as my daughter gets older and our window completely closes.

I think it was difficult for my wife 3-4 years ago to accept when we decided to be OAD due to our circumstances. She currently sees it as tempting but difficult and impractical. I think we should ask ourselves if we are longing for a baby irrespective of the other child.

We thought of growing our own community but it has been difficult since both me and my wife are introverts.

Sorry to hear about your loss and hoping that you are recovering. My sibling and I also grew distant due to disagreement about caring for our mother.

 

[ibelongtojesus777]

@treadstone I don’t have any advice, and just random blurbs from my life since I can relate as a sibling with this kind of age gap. For what it’s worth, my sibling and I grew up with a 7.5 year age gap (I am the younger one). We are very different personality-wise, and are different genders. But they were a fantastic older sibling and we always found common ground during playtime - for example, they would draw city scapes and roads on reams of printer paper for me to use my toy cars to make believe. It married their interest and big kid skillset with something engaging and age appropriate for me. I learned about all kinds of things from their world/generation (they were generation X and I am a millennial) like their current school subjects, or the music they were into, and vocabulary (good and bad haha), or how to balance a check book and drive a stick shift that made me really clever and able to relate to people of all ages. They were very doting and involved with me. It wasn’t always rainbows - we fought a bunch, of course! And I did become fairly lonely when they became an older teen and got a job for after school and started to have more relationships with friends and whatnot outside the home. But once I caught up to them and was in my late teens/early 20s we were very much super involved in each others lives again. A 7-8 year gap isn’t so extreme anymore once you’re in your 20s and 30s.

All that being said, every child, family, and pairing of siblings is different. You really never know what you are going to get!

It’s a really hard decision moving on from 1 to 2. I am in a similar position. I had always thought I would have 2, but after my child was born I could not ever imagine going through it again. They just turned 3 and I am only just ever so slightly considering it, but still very unsure.

Oh! And another anecdote - my husbands mom was 39 when she had him and his dad was 52! It was tough on them at times because of their age but they were in great positions in their careers and were able to provide so much for him and his 2 siblings (1-3 years older).

I hope you’re able to come to a place where you decision feels like the right one. No one prepares you for some of the unimaginable emotions that you experience as a parent. There is a lot of support and solidarity here on this sub.

 

[freddied]

@ibelongtojesus777 This is a beautiful portrait of siblinghood.

 

[treadstone]

@ibelongtojesus777 Thanks for sharing! I do agree that an age gap of 6-7 years doesn't matter much in the grander scheme of things.

 

[sicky12]

@treadstone This is almost identical to our situation, when our son turns 7 (currently 4), we’ll be the exact same ages you and your wife are. We’ve been on the fence this past year, and recently I’ve been leaning more strongly towards having another, but my spouse leans towards OAD. We’re currently in couples therapy to work on an unrelated issue and we will be bringing up this issue soon. I think therapy could be really helpful for you and your wife to sort out your feelings on this issue, and to either get additional support if you choose to have another, or to work on the grief and acceptance of not having a second.

Also stop reading r/onlychild lol it’s only going to make you feel worse/more guilty. And yes, having another child to give your daughter a sibling is a good reason, but it shouldn’t be the primary reason. I would really explore whether you and your wife genuinely want to raise another child

 

[treadstone]

@sicky12 Thanks for sharing. Wishing you luck with your decision too!

 

[paulgilldrums]

@treadstone Why would your wife have to be a SAHM if she doesn’t like it? Seems silly, especially because you said you can afford childcare. Aside from that, maybe check out r/happilyOAD where people embrace all the wonderful things there are about being OAD.

 

[treadstone]

@paulgilldrums Sorry, I meant that she can be SAHM if she wants to (she has brought that up in the past). But she's in a career where going back after a break may not be easy.

Thanks for sharing the link. One thing I notice on such subs is that majority of posts are from new parents which makes me wonder how many of them change their decision down the line.

 

[david321e]

@treadstone You have very valid reasons both for and against IMO. Id like to address the ones I can most identify with in the hopes I can help.

A big reason why I am having my second is for the benefit of my son having a sibling. After he was born I struggled a lot to be a mum, and that lead to huge strains in my relationship with my partner as he had to take the reins in the first year. We also live far from family on both sides and had no village so had to get outside help which did help, but is financially exhausting. I was OAD for the first two and a half years because of this.

Once things got easier (my son going to nursery and having a more normal routine) things settled and I started seeing more benefits to him having a sibling than him being an only child, and I felt ready. My relationship with my partner normalised and even got stronger through the hardships. He always wanted two, so I stopped finding reasons to deny him that.

Having this one feels very very different to the first. You know what to expect now, you can plan for the hardships but this time they are more logistical than emotional. The age gap between your daughter and another one can be advantageous because she can actively be a part of her siblings life. It can be scary starting the whole baby phase again, I feel that too, but I also kniw how quickly it goes.

I know I’m giving reasons why to have another and am less focusing on why not, but you know deep down what the answer that is most right for you, so I’m just sharing my perspective. I’m here for any more questions!

 

[treadstone]

@david321e Thank you for sharing! May I know how old were you when you had your second?

 

[david321e]

@treadstone I’m actually still pregnant, giving birth in 2 weeks! I’m 35 and I was 32 when I had my first, so not too far off you guys. Actually most of my friends with multiples were your wife’s age or older when they had their second.

 

[clearbluegreen]

@treadstone We are TTC after adamantly being OAD for years. At the end of the day, I couldn’t stomach the thought of my daughter not having a sibling—hopefully someone to rely on and have in her corner (I understand this isn’t guaranteed but I’ll try my damndest). I’m hoping their 6+ year age gap will help with the rivalry; they will always be in very different stages.

 

[maria37]

@treadstone It’s a tough decision. As others have said, you have reasons for and against a second child. Your daughter will be absolutely fine as an only child. She’ll be fine as a sibling. You must make the decision.

We (43/37F) were one and done for about 5 years until suddenly I wanted a second child. I never felt 100% happy about the second baby as I had done with my first. I cried when the test was positive (not from joy). I cried from the ferocious morning sickness. I even contemplated termination. BUT my second baby is here now & she is beautiful. So I have a 6 year old and a newborn. Our family feels complete in a way it didn’t before.

It is really hard though & life has changed in a big way. Not because I’m so tired or anything, more just in how I’m trying to balance everything again. There’s no time to do things. The freedom to just go somewhere is gone. I find myself thinking back longingly on life with my only. That was 6 years in the making though..

Good luck on your decision.

 

[userunknown19]

@treadstone You and your wife just have to do what you feel is right for you.

Just make sure you both definitely want another if you go that route as it could build resentment if one partner is only doing it to please the other partner. You both must really want it. I know the stress of getting later in life and the pressure of having to make the decision quickly due to been over 35 years old when fertility decreases quite a lot.

My husband and I (41M and me 38F) have a 6 year old and an 18 month old and won't be having anymore. The second pregnancy was harder and it's a bit harder running around after a toddler than it was with my first due to my age but I'm fit so not too bad. Other than that, we are really happy with having the second. We feel our family is complete now

 

[alien_hybrid]

@treadstone I say yes! Try and go for it at the end of the day it’s going to be up to God anyways to send you that baby - you guys are older and it could take years or never happen - your staying up and ponding means you are already longing for that baby, I think when it comes to a child I’m going to say that cliche “you’re never really prepared lol” it’s the first 1-2 years you really got to be on eachothers corners and if you’re feeling there is room financially where you could or both of you could step down to be there for that child those first couple of year or least first year would be important - it will be hard - I also am older and have a much older husband and no help but at the end of the day as my kid or hopefully kids (want one more as well) grow older it will all feel worth it as I would love to have a family of 4 during holidays - etc etc