Shall we go from 2 to 3?

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foxyroxy

New member
We have a 3 y/o and 9 m/o.
We are both working parents, with good jobs and benefits.
We live in NYC in a large rent stabilized (affordable) 2 bedroom apartment.

My parents live within 15 mins from us and will watch our kids until they can go to school (0-3).

I am one of 3, my husband is one of 5.
We are trying to decide whether to try for baby #3 in the next 6-9 months.

Leaning towards going for 3, thinking the temporary loss in atonomy/chaos will be worth it in the long run!

What's the hardest thing about 3 vs 2? Best part? Does it get better after the baby stage with multiples? (It seems easier now than it was despite them both being mobile).

Thank you!!
 
@foxyroxy Hey! I have 3 kids and we live in a 2 bedroom in Brooklyn.

My kids are 9,5,1.

I wouldn't recommend it honestly. We all need our personal space and I'm learning more and more about it with my 9 year old. She doesn't really have space that is her own and the girls struggle.

We are in a home buying process and it can't come quickly enough. I really wish we upgraded before our 3rd.

We have a pretty decent layout - place is 1200sq ft but doesn't matter how you slice it. There's isn't much room to really have space and kids will be kids. They each have their personal threshold for how much they can stand and I think mentally it will be better once we're in a bigger place.

Just wanted to share.
 
@foxyroxy I'm late to the discussion and you probably don't need any more input, but ours are 5.5, 3.75, and almost 1, and we love having three kids. We can't speak yet to being out of the baby stage with our third, but can speak to that with our two older ones. Once the youngest is 18 months they can start actually playing alongside their siblings, and around 2.5 they start playing *with* them. Then you're off to the races. I'm guessing it'll feel this way as our third reaches those ages too.

Hardest part so far about having three: splitting my focus/attention when they're all home together, since my younger two are obviously still pretty young. We had an almost 3 year gap between 2nd and 3rd and that helped *a lot* (compared to only 2 years between the oldest).

Best part: Seeing their relationships develop, getting to know these unique little people who came into our family, all the love in our house.
 
Thanks for this! These are all good insights. Tough not having support close by to get breaks! I am trying to get better at taking advantage of the support I do have more. Hopefully once your youngest is bigger you can get a parent getaway!

Fortunately, I can take up to 12 months leave with my job (US) too, which I am doing now with my 9 m/o (and my 3 y/o) so I'll be back on the grind soon. My 3 y/o will be eligible for Pre-K 3 in the fall, which I'm hoping will give me a little preview into the preschool/elementary routine with infant drop off/pick up which I will essentially have to do for 2 years for any subsequent baby too before they'd all be in school together ultimately.
 
@foxyroxy Two to three was our easiest transition, but I truly believe having older kids (3&5) is what contributed to the ease. We just added our fourth with an 18mo and SHEW!
 
@foxyroxy My third is 4 months old. My others are almost
5 and almost 2. Honestly, I haven’t found adding baby number 3 that hard and we have zero local support. I am in Canada so I do get 12 months maternity leave, so that helps. But as of November, we’ll have one in kindergarten and two in daycare and I’ll go back to work full time. I think this is only doable because both my husband and I have very flexible jobs and primarily work from home.

Hardest thing: since we don’t have local support, to give each other time to ourselves, we would solo parent. So we’re used to having 2 kids on our own. But now, the parent that doesn’t have the big kids often has the baby. And while the baby is pretty easy at this stage, it still means little to no solo time for us parents right now. However, I’ve been practicing taking out all three out lately and it’s actually not too bad. Obviously YMMV depending on how well your kids listen to you.

Best part: I love seeing them all interact and I can’t wait to see it as they grow up.

Can’t speak to what it’s like after the baby stage. I’ll check back in 18 months. lol.
 
@pidgie Definitely hard disagree on that. Another kid is a big deal. They’re their own person. People with this mindset often parentify their older kids and just don’t meet everyone’s emotional needs.
 
@wren84 I think people are quick to assume the older kid is being parentified because parents often say they are able to help - but they usually don’t mean that as in caring for the baby. I’m only pregnant with my 3rd now, but my eldest is almost 6 years older then her brother and that definitely made things easier.

She was able to be helpful from day 1 in the sense that should could pass me a water bottle while I was breastfeeding, put away her own toys, make sure he doesn’t choke or jump off something in the 30 seconds I run to the bathroom, toss me a diaper across the room, etc. In the backseat, she can let me know if the sun is on his face or hand him a dropped toy.

This isn’t parentification, it’s just the genuine perks of having an older kid who is self-sufficient to a degree and not as needy.

I agree that parents shouldn’t burden the age-gap eldest with childcare - one of my best friends was very bitter in high school that her parents expected her to babysit her elementary age sister everyday without even an allowance. I’m hyperaware to not go down that path and to always treat my firstborn as my kid and not a mini-mom.

BUT i think most parents that call the oldest kids helpful mean the former examples and not the latter.
 
@teampancho I have 4 children so I’m not sure why you’re elaborating on what parentification is or isn’t to me, but ok.

I’m saying people that say adding another child is no big deal and “what’s one more” typically just are not meeting the emotional needs of all the kids in their family.

It isn’t just about parentification but quality time spent. Each child deserves one on one time with mom and dad weekly at the very least. That becomes impossible with a certain amount of kids.

I personally find it unfair to the older children to ask them to do anything they don’t offer to help with in regards to their siblings 🤷🏻‍♀️. I brought them here and I’m not going to ask my two oldest kids to stop what they’re doing to toss me a diaper. Just my opinion.
 
@wren84 I mean is tossing a diaper across the room if they’re already standing next to them really that serious?💀 that is not parentification and you’re taking a playful “what’s one more?” joke way too seriously…
 
@wren84 Perhaps their older children were just older than yours, or have different temperaments? Maybe they have more support? Their 3rd could be a more relaxed child? I think it's a stretch to assume everyone offering this opinion holds it due to poor parenting practices.
 
@renob “What’s another kid” is poor parenting practices. Period, that level of nonchalance at bringing another life into the world is very very telling.
 
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