S/O doesn’t understand the struggle

[jleew89]

Hi everyone. My partner and I have been ttc for almost a year. Im a 30(F) and he’s a 38(M). The ob I’ve been seeing allowed for us to undergo fertility work up, given his age and family hx of fertility issues (took his mom and dad 6 years to get pregnant with him.) thus far in the work up, I’ve been found to have no fertility issues whatsoever. Very high Amh (4.90) confirmed ovulation with day 21 progesterone, and normal lh and FSH levels and tsh checked via blood. He did go for a semen analysis, which revealed a low ejaculation amount and low motility (30%). Morphology and total count were fine though. My fiancé swears he can change his motility and get it up, but I don’t know how that will be, given the fact that there is a long history of male factor infertility, and other personal life issues going on, not related to our relationshi . My ob referred us to the fertility clinic given his semen analysis results, but my s/o isn’t interested in going. He thinks it’ll just happen on its own, and is okay with waiting years. I’ve tried to get my thoughts and feelings across to him, and voice my concerns, but he is not willing to budge at this moment. I’m not here to bash him, or anyone, and his MFI is by no means a topic to make him feel bad about. I just need some advice on how to possibly shine some light into this situation to maybe understand his perspective, or to maybe make him on board with at least going for a consultation at the fertility clinic. And before anyone asks, we’d financially be “ok” if we had to pursue fertility treatments. I am very blessed and grateful to be in this position, as I know others aren’t as fortunate. I do think this is more of a “pride thing” perhaps, and again,the last thing I want to do is bring my partner down. Thanks

 

[williams36]

@jleew89 Maybe you can argue that a fertility specialist can tell exactly how much he can expect to improve and what he needs to do.

Then give him 3 months to attempt improvement and do a new test perhaps?

Alternatively, or as well, you need to be firm that you are not willing to wait years

 

[animatingspirit]

@jleew89 You could explain to him that waiting years will mean that your fertility is also gradually decreasing, which could make it harder too. And, statistically, pregnancy after 35yo comes with increased risks and increased testing. (I don't say this to scare you or anything. Just to point out that his decision affects you both in multiple ways.)

Apparently it takes 3 months for sperm to improve (or not), so maybe you can come to a compromise with that information. Here's a video by a reproductive endocrinologist that talks about this exact topic:

 

[heloisebellamy]

@jleew89 It's sounds like a pride or religious thing. Give him the 3 or 6 months to improve it on his own and after that go see the Specialist for 'further advice on how to improve it naturally'

I definitely would not wait years. But also don't take the next 3-6 months too seriously with ttc. Just trust that he'll honour the 'unspoken' agreement and man up if he needs to after that.

P.S. I would be worried about the low volume as much as the low motility. Especially if the abstinence period was already say 5+ days. Low motility you can improve with diet and better lifestyle so just see how it goes.

 

[jadair80]

@heloisebellamy This. Many men feel EXTREMELY insecure about issues trying to conceive and how that can affect their self worth and concept of virility. For many men, being fertile is very tied into what they feel makes them masculine. We are so used to infertility being seen as a female factor issue that men can particularly struggle with the reality that they may also be contributing.

It sounds like he's struggling to deal with the fact that he has fertility issues. And I suspect that the thought of going to a clinic and talking to healthcare workers about it may be hard for him.

Whilst he is right that there may be things he can do to help, realistically unless he is drinking a ton, smoking cigarettes or pot and is very sedentary etc he may not have much that he can improve on. I also would not advise waiting years, but giving him a couple of months to "try" and get his head round it may be helpful.

Would he agree to therapy together or individually to or8cess the fertility issues?

 

[jleew89]

@jadair80 I absolutely think you’re correct, that it’s a pride issue. He’s not one to disclose personal feelings to me, even with therapy. He’s very supportive and a wonderful partner and is caring and supportive, but doesn’t love the idea of disclosing his personal feelings let alone to me, or a therapist unfortunately I’m hoping he comes to his senses and realizes the significance of this subject matter

 

[heloisebellamy]

@jleew89 Sounds like volume isn't a real issue then.

Just a quick tip, don't change the abstinence period if you're trying to improve sperm motility. Increasing the number of days makes it worse in most cases. There is a whole list of other things he can do to treat asthenospermia naturally here but I have the feeling he'll be just fine with some small lifestyle changes.

 

[jleew89]

@heloisebellamy Omg thank you so much! You have no idea how much I appreciate your advice and your positivity! GOD BLESS YOU

 

[katrina2017]

@jleew89 Luckily there are some really easy things that can significantly improve male infertility. First I would buy him some conception vitamin tablets (there are lots of brands out there) so you know the basics are covered, and some ashwagandha tablets. All he has to do is swallow two pills each day, not hard at all. The second is to start wearing looser pants (if he doesn't already), so go out any buy him so nice airy briefs. The third is a little more effort: eat a healthy diet and work out (but not too strenuously) so he maintains a healthy weight. I would give him three months of doing those three easy things, then go back for another semen analysis and see if there are any improvements.

If he won't do any of that I think it's time to have a serious talk with him. Explain to him (in graphic detail, use images if necessary) what female infertility treatments look like - the invasive medical procedures, the shots, the hormones etc. Tell him how much it will cost, and how traumatic it will be for you both on your mental health and your physical body.

I completely recognize that male infertility can be really hard on a man, and there could definitely be an element of him feeling ashamed and sticking his head in the sand. But the reality is, you have a ticking clock and he doesn't. You are also the one who will have to have the medical procedures if you go down the IUI/IVF route, plus then you get to grow a whole new human inside your body. He needs to sort out his priorities and put your needs first.

Sorry if my wording seems a bit harsh but I see variations of your post so often on these forums and it makes me sad how many women have to struggle to convince their partners to take male fertility seriously.

Wishing you both the best x.