r/SAHPadvicePlz

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josho

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So, I am currently a (married) SAHM with one 2.5yr old and one 3 week old baby. I haven’t been married long & not sure how married life with shared finances should work. Currently, my Husband & I have been married for 1 yr & 6months. Although I moved in with him in March 2021 just 5 months before our first child was born. In 2021, I worked until May when I went on leave for maternity. Unfortunately due to the way the law was written I didn’t have eligibility for FLMA to pay out during my maternity leave. So, I was forced to cash out all of my sick days. I probably had around $2,000 or less to live on after I went on leave. While on leave my Husband & I decided that I would be a SAHP with our son instead of pay strangers to watch him. So I left my full-time career as a Hairdresser. Things became very tough after that spending wise. Initially I did not have much access to the accounts but at some point after our son was born that year he added me to them thankfully (with the exception of the savings account). I do my best to raise our 2 children, clean house, laundry, yard/outside chores, wrangle two (mostly behaved) dogs, and prepare meals.
My husband is an electrician and makes decent money. We aren’t rich obviously but not poor either. When we got married in Fall 2022 I found out that he had a total of 10 credit cards and all of them have balances but 1. I personally brought two debts into the marriage (one debt of $2,000 and the other my student loans of 20,000). (He also pays on his college loans which has a balance of $3,300.00.) As far as total credit card debt I believe we also have in the neighborhood of $20,000 worth debt. I never have access to any credit cards except when he tells me to take dog(s) to vet & pay with ‘this’ card or child(ren) to pediatrician & pay with ‘this’ card and only gives them to me immediately before appts take place.
I honestly wish I could treat myself once in a while. I might spend $10 on a froyo trip but I never get my hair done, nails done, or facials or anything. If I need pants I only go to a thrift shop. When I ask if I can get my hair or other thing done he always tells me we
cannot afford it.
I do really want to get the credit cards payed off but I feel beyond frustrated that 75% of it is all debt he accrued on his own before we got married. And due to that debt he constantly tells me we can’t afford for me to do things. Last Spring before tax season I asked my husband if I could have just $200 of my own spending money to use when I needed and he flat out refused. Wouldn’t even consider it. I feel very depressed and anxious that I’m not allowed to spend. When I have spent $60 or $75 randomly only every few months I feel that he makes me feel guilty for it & then I feel I’m bad for spending. We try to only buy $560/groceries a month (abt $140/week). Am I in a financially abusive situation?

I would feel very hesitant returning to a salon setting only because u can’t simply clock in & out at exact times (if u have a gal with hair to middle back whom you’re doing highlights on, then u can’t just leave in middle of that service). Can anyone please, please recommend some legit/good work from home jobs I could do over the computer? (Been considering 3rd party affiliate marketing but I still don’t know a lot about it).

Thanks for reading
 
@josho SAHM currently due with our fourth, and I’ve been at home the whole 7 years of our marriage.

I have full access to all of our accounts. I have my own card for each one, with my name on it, that lives in my wallet.

Our system is that we discuss any expenditure over $100 (excluding groceries 🫠). Within that, I have complete freedom to spend whatever I deem reasonable.

I think it was hard at first for my husband to really feel comfortable trusting me - not because of me but just because it IS hard to trust another person who could drain your accounts at any point if they wish. He knows people this has happened to.

BUT marriage is about trust. We talk about our finances regularly - our budget, our spending, big expenses coming up, etc - so we’re on the same page. And over time it’s become easy to trust each other, as we see each other being responsible.

Our church is really big on helping people see both partners as equals, which includes equal access to money, which should all be shared. A husband doing what yours is doing would be confronted about it. It’s not okay.
 
@%D7%A0%D7%95%D7%A6%D7%A8%D7%99 This is exactly how we’ve done it too. Except I actually worked the first 3 years we were married until I got pregnant and we moved states. It’s definitely all about trust, but I also wouldn’t have married my husband if I didn’t trust him. I really do think SAHP partners need to have access to EVERYTHING. Hell, I think joint bank accounts are a great idea for most marriages.

What I worry about the most here is that it sounds like husband is spending on whatever he wants and OP has no extra money for herself. He sees it more as his money that theirs, and that never ends well. Also, hiding your debts before getting married is super shady.
 
@%D7%A0%D7%95%D7%A6%D7%A8%D7%99 Same. Haven’t been married as long but I have a card attached to our joint account and I have my own that my small business pays me through. My husband knows I’m an excellent spender and very frugal so there’s never a discussion or question of what I’m doing.

If I need “treats” or extra stuff it comes out of my own pocket because despite being the at home parent, I make $$ every week
 
@josho I’d go to counseling and discuss going back to work with the counselor if he doesn’t do a 180. All of his money is your money and you should have easy access to it. He is being financially abusive. Unfortunately this was something that needed to be discussed before marriage and staying home
 
@josho Discuss a system that allows you to pay back a portion of the debt while also allowing you to feel human occasionally. Does he spend money on hobbies? If not then it might mean you really do have to sacrifice. But you guys should do a breakdown of all the money together so you can see where it’s actually going and have a say in the matter
 
@josho Yes, you’re being financially abused. He lied to you by omission when he didn’t tell you about his debt. You should have equal access to all accounts and shouldn’t need to ask to spend small amounts of money here and there. It is dangerous for you not to have ready access to accounts. I’ve been a SAHM for almost 4 years now. I have equal access to accounts and credit cards (I’m an authorized user and have my own card). I’ll give a heads up if I’m going to make a purchase above around $100 but other than that, my husband trusts me to stick to the budget and not go too crazy. If I want to treat myself with coffee or with a lunch out, I’m an adult and I don’t need to ask for permission.

You need to have a serious sit down with him. What is happening is not ok. Just because he accrued massive financial debt doesn’t mean that he can now use money to control you. It’s time for couples counseling, and maybe for you to consider finding a job and leaving the SAHM life, because it is not safe to be a SAHM if you’re being abused.
 
@seabiscuit He did actually mention that there was some debt but it was just kind of glossed over and I didn’t think that there was reason to be concerned at the time…
 
@josho You need to have a conversation with your husband about finances.

In an ideal world, you would have had this conversation before you had kids and left your career. But that didn’t happen, so it urgently needs to take place now.

Conservatively, you have 40k of debt between you, and it is growing. You need to do the math and figure out childcare costs and income from returning to hairdressing (at least a few days a week).

That debt needs to go down, not up, because not only are y’all adding more, you are continuing to accrue interest on top of it. This is a recipe for financial disaster and you know that, but I think you’re hoping that there’s a quick fix. There isn’t. Unfortunately, y’all are in the hole and getting buried deeper every single day. You have to dig out.

I suspect that your husband is being cagey and controlling about money because he knows just how dire things are. But you are a TEAM, and you can’t fix the problem unless you tackle it together. Either he accepts and agrees with that or you have a much bigger problem.
 
@josho I’ll be the one to go against the grain here.. but if you’re that much into debt, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for your husband to say no to a $200 allowance. I understand wanting to get your hair done for a simple trim/cut every so often to keep it healthy, I do the same, but facials and getting your nails done are something that happen more frequently which means you’ll just add more debt to your plate. Also $200 is a lot when you have that much debt and only one income coming in plus 2 kids and 2 dogs. Yeah it might seem like you can’t do anything for yourself but IMO that’s what you sign up for when you become a SAHM. It’s the family first and then you. I think maybe getting your husband to agree to you going out and doing these things every so often could be fair, but not an allowance. You might have to wait awhile until that debt is lowered though. Maybe also think about how stressed your husband could be knowing that he has all this debt to take care, plus his family. You asking for an allowance just adds more to his financial stress. Basically you’re not being financially abused. That’s a stretch.
 
@josho Yes but you still have lots of debt plus bills on one income. I don’t think just because he’s making a certain amount of money you’re entitled to an allowance. It’s still a stretch to say you’re being financially abused.
 
@cleann $90k is not a lot when you owe ~$40k out the gate. However you should have access to all of your household finances and both partners deserve some amount of fun money. You need to have an honest talk, set up a strict budget to tackle it. Calling debt “his” or “mine” isn’t helpful now although I understand how betrayed you must feel. Couples therapy to address this resentment may also be necessary and could be covered by insurance.
 
@josho My husband brought debt into our marriage too, but in our situation, all of that was laid on the table before we got married. I handle the budget because I’m better at that, and I track every cent we spend.

Here’s the thing. The budget has to be sustainable. Yes; every extra penny COULD go to paying debt but that would make life downright tedious. There needs to be balance. Unless you’re literally about to lose your home due to debt, some fun money should be built into the budget. My husband and I each get our own fun money every month. We can spend it however we want, no questions asked. Whatever we don’t use, we roll over to the next month. It’s cut down on a lot of tension and arguments because when he walks in with a bottle of whiskey or if I come home with a new purse, we each assume the other used their funds and it won’t impact the household budget.

These are things that are important to discuss before getting married, but since you’re already past that, I think you should advocate for some spending money for yourself each month, or else you’ll go back to work part time. There are drop in day cares (I use them) so your kids wouldn’t be watched by “strangers” all day.

You should be a team. It shouldn’t be, one person gets to control all the money and dole it out like a king.
 
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