Question about main language in extended family

[purnhart]

My partner and I are both native in the main language spoken in our country, it's the language we speak between us, and what all our families speak.
Apart from that, I grew up in the U.S. so I speak English on a native level. Many people in our country have terrible English so I'm very very sure I want to speak to our child in English (luckily my partner has really good English - he'll be speak the other language but he will understand everything) .

Here's the question: both our families speak in our native language. As someone who grew up bilingual, I find it incredibly weird to speak to my parents in English, even though they are both fluent. It's just not the language I speak to them. How weird will I find it to speak to my children in a language that no one else in my family speaks? I'm thinking of family dinners and things like that

 

[kingdomconsul]

@purnhart Granted, we have more languages in the mix and that adds another level of not-understanding to it: If I was strictly OPOL during family dinners, I would have to repeat/translate everything. Same with my partner and family. That is too annoying imho, so we switch to the "family language" for these events and sprinkle in more language exposure (books, songs, 1on1 time etc) for the other language.

 

[made]

@purnhart My husband speaks his native language to our child, around me and my English speaking family who don't understand it. It's totally natural.

 

[purnhart]

@made I guess my worry is that it's not my native language. I speak it natively, but speaking it around my family feels weird?

 

[made]

@purnhart I see what you mean - I suppose if you use English with your child from birth, it will be their native language (or one of them), so maybe will feel natural. You'll just have to try it and see!

 

[johnnyhudson]

@purnhart There's nothing wrong with using English while you're at home and your native language with your child around family. Unless you live in a household with your extended family the amount of time you'll spend together is small and won't influence your child's language acquisition.

It also teaches the child we have to be flexible and different folks speak different languages. There's nothing bad about it.

 

[aldredian]

@purnhart I get what you mean. I can't bring myself to speak English with my parents.

But you can continue speaking your native tongue with your family and just English with your kids. You'll probably get used to it after a while.

 

[petra888]

@purnhart I live in Finland, which is a bilingual country, Finnish and Swedish. My native/first language is Finnish, my SO’s Swedish. I speak Finnish to kiddo, SO speaks Swedish. When with my family, we speak Finnish mostly but when SO addresses kiddo, he switches to Swedish. And vice versa, when with his family, we speak Swedish but I switch to Finnish when I speak to kiddo.

Children are flexible, they can understand that different people speak different languages and also that in certain situations mommy switches from Finnish to Swedish (Finnish is the majority language, and even though we learn Swedish in school adults tend to forget, so most Finlandsswedes switch/offer to speak Finnish when they hear Finnish spoken, so then I have to explain that yes we speak Swedish too and kiddo can understand even though they speak mostly Finnish due to a speech delay, pls keep on speaking Swedish with us… just easier in certain situations for me to switch to Swedish). No need to talk to everybody in English even though you speak English to your LO.

 

[butterflyaway]

@purnhart How much exposure to English would your child have other than you? I would definitely speak consistently English to the child. if you feel like it would help for your kiddo to hear more English, you could try speaking it also to your parents (and your parents could also speak English to your child.). If you feel like English from you and TV/media is sufficient, keep speaking in the majority language to your parents. It may be weird at first to get used to speaking one language to one person and another language to another person during the same conversation, but you will get used to it. Please feel free to reach out if you'd like more personalized advice. I would love to help!

https://www.multilingualfamilyconsulting.com/

 

[purnhart]

@butterflyaway Thank you! I'll save your site for when she's actually born

 

[butterflyaway]

@purnhart Sounds great! You could also consider setting up a meeting before she is born to already have a plan, things tend to get hectic once the little ones are born. In my work as a researcher and consultant, I find that intentionality is crucial. You are already ahead of many other families, considering that you are asking these questions before your child is born. Not too early at all!

 

[cherrycokezero]

@purnhart Why not teach the kids their grandparents languages too? One hour a day will give them a great level of exposure and help them communicate in the 'family' language so that no one feels left out... and you can't lose with more languages

 

[purnhart]

@cherrycokezero They will speak their grandparents' language, that's the language my partner and I speak, and what they will speak in school etc. (and with my partner)

 

[cherrycokezero]

@purnhart Ah ok, sorry I got a bit lost with the description! What about, at family dinners, you just speak your native language?

It doesn't really matter what you choose. I have friends who raised their kids OPOL in English/German, and the father just ALWAYS uses German when directly addressing the children... unless someone else is in the discussion, then he switches. It works ok. Nothing is perfect.