One week post c section and the “help” isn’t really helping

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kanelee5

New member
I had my daughter 9/1 via c section after a very traumatic failed induction and after she was born she tested Coombs positive and was jaundiced. After 6 days in the hospital under bili lights and questions still remaining about why her numbers aren’t dropping we are home. So my husband and I are stressed beyond belief. We’ve been home for 3 days now and my MIL and SIL have stopped by to “help” and by help I mean sitting on the couch while the baby sleeps next to them while I can go “do what you want! Go take a shower, go for a walk, clean your room!” Last night my SIL came by, opened up a bag of my snacks, sat on her phone on the couch while I fed and tried to chat with me about her love life while I was running on fumes. She did sit with the baby after I fed her so I could take a shower but called my husband who was walking our German Shepard to go pick up food for her. Just for her. And I’m pretty sure he paid for it. Just now my MIL Is here and asks if we need her to do anything. I look at my husband and ask him if he’s hungry he says yes, I ask her maybe you can make us lunch? She says oh why don’t you guys go out and sit at the pizza place and eat lunch together like normal human beings (AFTER by the way greeting her son with “oh my god why don’t you brush your hair and try to look like you didn’t just roll out of bed”) and then proceeds to ask us to pick her up a salad on her way back. I don’t know if I’m being silly or if I should be more grateful because yes I do get to leave the house which is great for my mental health but these little things have really bothered me.

TLDR; MIL and SIL think just sitting with a sleeping baby and telling us to leave the house and get them food is “helping”.
 
@kanelee5 You’re not being silly.

Your MIL is helping probably with the help she would have wanted when baby was older with things she maybe feels she missed out on. But 1 week postpartum you should be fed/watered/catered to. She probably forgets what that soon after delivery is like.

You and your husband shouldn’t need to cater to others.

When you’re ready for a date/to go out, that’s when you go out for pizza (or what you want), and for me, it wouldn’t have been at one week postpartum.

And 1 week after surgery, go clean? Hello no, doctors orders, I can only lift baby/can’t bend that way for recovery.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.
 
@kanelee5 It’s not you. It’s them. They’re either clueless or awful. Stop allowing them to visit, or when they ask, say clearly what you need or expect.

“Hey, we are off schedule today so you’re welcome to visit if you could grab us some food on your way over.”
Or “hey, I know we had a visit planned, but we need to reschedule because today will not work.”
My favorite, “sure we could have some visitors. Just a heads up that nap time is at X, so we will only have about an hour for visitors today.”

When you’re done, tell them it was nice to see them, stand up, and offer to walk them to the door. Let it be awkward- it will shape the future of their visits and perhaps help spark some reflection.

Congrats on baby!
 
@kanelee5 What, and I cannot stress this enough, the f-ck? I know you’re generally not supposed to assume malice when stupidity/ignorance is just as good an explanation for somebody’s behavior, but your in laws are really pushing the envelope here.

You’re one week out of intense abdominal surgery and caring for a freshly baked, fragile little human. Personally, I would put my foot down for future visits for a while even if they do offer “help”. Tell them you, husband, and baby need quiet time to bond and heal and that you’ll let them know when you’re up to visitors.
 
@kanelee5 You’re not being silly, but you also don’t have to just accept whatever they decide to drum up in their minds. Make a list. We need: 2 dinners made, grocery run done, laundry done, these packages mailed, etc
 
@kanelee5 What the fuck. Kick them out. If they call, don’t answer. If they show at your door, turn on the sprinklers. In early postpartum, anyone who isn’t actively helping you is passively hurting you.
 
@kanelee5 It's really hard to tell whether they are being obtuse but well meaning or just quite selfish. Either way, if you don't want them around, just say you're dealing with a difficult time for the baby and you can't accommodate their visit. If you do want their help, just spell it out. My family was all like "I want to help, here are 5 baby outfits with a million buttons and a box of wrong sized diapers". They were trying, but it's hard to know exactly what a new mom needs, so just tell them. I told them I need sleep. Come to my house and watch my kid at night so I can get one night's sleep and now they do that once every 1-2 weeks. Just be direct.
 
@yytg12 This! My in-laws were not super helpful at first because we were clueless and they had been out of the game so long. But after a few days we decided to just…ask for what we needed instead of treating them like guests. And just like that, they went from milling about aimlessly to doing grocery runs, folding laundry, sweeping, doing dishes, etc. But it had to start with us telling them what we needed cuz in all fairness they really didn’t know.
OP, if you ask them to do specific tasks and they don’t, then definitely nicely uninvite them until you’re ready to play hostess again. But there’s a good chance that they just don’t know what to do for you and are waiting for direction. I hope it turns out to be the latter!
 
@yorkie73 This is great advice. Unfortunately the OP’s situation is very typical. Family members come to visit, but they can’t always “help.” Other than to hang out, which is of limited usefulness. They could at least bring food though!
 
@kanelee5 After going through this shit with my first baby, kick them the fuck out. Excuse my language but this shit royally pisses me off. Had a c section as well, in the height of Covid, with in laws who were disrespectful and wouldn’t respect boundaries.
 
ETA:

Also, their title does not entitle them to your baby. Helping isn’t holding baby. It’s cleaning the house, bringing or making food. Not sitting on MY couch, eating MY food, watching TV.

Yes, I’m still fuming.
 
@kanelee5 I had the same issues. My in-laws would only want to watch the baby. My mother though would bring food, or cook for us; do chores like dishes and laundry; tidy up and more. And STILL somehow watch my baby. He’s 6mos now and doesn’t need help but she was over last week to see him and somehow ended up folding laundry I didn’t know I had in the dryer and like, the 4 dishes we had.

We just ended up having my husband tell his parents to only come for shorter visits and relied more on my mom for actual help in the house. They did at least end up bringing food a lot though.
 
@kanelee5 I could have written this about my in-laws BUT no one was telling us to go anywhere. They just wanted baby time and not to actually help. And the help had to be like guided by me anyway since they are so priveledged and don’t do anything in their own homes so it wasn’t actually helpful. Ughhh I’m hoping this time around (4weeks out) I can be more assertive
I like the comment about having a list ready for things for them to do besides hold a sleeping baby!!!!!
 
@kanelee5 At this point I would probably just go for the big snap and say no more visitors until you feel ready. They are contributing to your stress and that doesn’t sound helpful at all.
 
@kanelee5 They're 0% helpful. Get rid of them.

My June baby also tested coombs positive. He got readmitted due to his bilirubin. It took a while for it to go down, but they gave him some kind of antibody treatment in the hospital that got it down pretty quick.
 
@kanelee5 Hey I had a csection on 9/1 too! You're not being silly. That isn't help. You could not pay me to go sit and eat at a restaurant right now. I mean you're one week out from having your insides on the outside and then reassembled. Even when that goes perfectly that's not awesome.

It's perfectly fine to tell people you're not seeing company right now. Sometimes no help is better than "help." Maybe talk to your husband about what the heck is up with his family. It sounds like they're trying in their own way to be helpful, they just maybe don't get it. Maybe husband can steer them in the right direction.

I hope your little one is doing better. Mine still looks fully like a pumpkin from the jaundice. They say her numbers are "trending in the right direction" but for real she looks like a Jersey Shore baby.
 
@kanelee5 Had my induction fail and end in a c section on 9/2. Solidarity system, recovery is tough!

They aren’t helpful to you right now but I think firmly assigning them helpful tasks will either get them to do your bidding or back off if they don’t want the responsibility. But I think be SUPER direct right now because I’m certainly not in the mood to take any shit these days and imagine you feel the same.
 
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