Nonstop Begging

S

salimpu

New member
I have a son that will be turning 4 next month. When he really wants something and we say No, he will then endlessly beg for it. “Please. please, please. Please can I xxxxx? Please. Please. Pleaaaaase.” He will literally do this for many many many minutes non-stop. If we continue to say No he’ll just get louder and cry.

Our initial No is calm and firm. We’ll acknowledge what he’s feeling. We’ll offer comfort and stay with him. But he just keeps going endlessly. My wife will eventually do something like brainstorm solutions with him and will often end up with a compromise of some sort. I feel like this may end up just reinforcing the begging that if he just keeps it up long enough he’ll at least get a little bit of what he wants. My reaction is often no better though. I’ll eventually lose my patience. Sometimes I’ll raise my voice. Sometimes I’ll threaten a consequence like “if you keep asking then we won’t xxxxx for x amount of time.” That only gets further screaming though. Sometimes I just have to walk away (if it’s safe to do so).

I know I’m not handling it as best as I could be, but I’ve just run out of ideas as to how to handle it. Do you have any helpful suggestions?
 
@salimpu Maybe try "asked and answered?" And then redirect and ignore the whining. He probably gets something out of the back and forth and attention he gets when he goes on and on about it. Scenario:

"Dad, can I have a Popsicle?"

"Sorry buddy but no, it's almost dinnertime. I know a Popsicle sounds really yummy right now but we have to save room in our tummies for the yummy dinner mommy is cooking."

"Please? Please, can I have one? Pleeease?"

"You already asked if you could have one and I answered no. I know you're disappointed, but my answer isn't going to change. Do you want a hug or do you want to go color until dinner?"

"PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE"

"Asked and answered."

"PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE"

"..." Continue what you're doing and give hugs if requested but don't continue in a back and forth about it unless to say "asked and answered." I know it's difficult to listen to, but it's okay for him to be upset and cry and you don't have to compromise and placate him. If you consistently hold firm, eventually he'll learn that no means no
 
@zrinka That’s the thing though. We will stop responding. He just goes on and on and on. I don’t specifically say ‘Asked and answered’. I do say “I’ve already given you my answer and it’s not going to change”
 
@salimpu My kids are 4 and almost 7 and this is something we deal with quite a lot. The only thing to do is calmly hold the boundary and not discuss the issue further. You also don't need to convince them to accept or understand your decision. They are entitled to have feelings about it, but doesn't mean you have to continue to explain yourself or brainstorm solutions/compromises with them. You're right that compromises are just teaching your child that enough begging and crying will get them what they want every time.
 
@salimpu One thing that has really helped us. We take a picture of the item and put it in a little journal to remember when it’s his birthday or Christmas.
When it’s time to choose a present we go through his little journal to see what is still exciting and relevant.

So he will say “mom I really, really want that” I say, that’s the coolest thing ever, snap a picture and we can put it in your journal”
My son is 4- almost 5
 
@salimpu For context, I’m a child psychologist: you have reinforced his behavior by continuing the conversation by saying no. Sounds weird right? Essentially think of us salesman trying to sell you something and if he keeps you talking, he feels like he can convince you otherwise. Your son is taking the role of the car salesman and as long as you engage with him he believes they’re still a chance that he could get a “yes.” The way we deal with the car salesman is we hang up the phone or we asked him to leave. For the child that acts like the salesman we have to tell them “I’ve already answered that question I’m not going to answer it again, and I’m going to ignore you when you ask it again.” This send the message that the child will not get a response from you about the topic again. If you talk to him even to say no, you show him that he is still able to get you engaged in a conversation. This process is called actively ignoring negative behaviors. You want to show him that he cannot change the outcome. Each time you engage in the conversation, you restart the process. He will protest and become more aggressive or annoying, which is expected. As long as you hold still and hold the boundary, he will begin to understand that he cannot negotiate or beg for what he wants.
 
@holyspirit2014 Thank you for sharing this. If you don’t mind my asking, would you do the same for a 22mo who whines in response to things he does not like? As an example: “mama, up” “mama can’t hold you now, I am making dinner and I need both hands. I can hold you later when we are done”. Whiiiiiiiiiiiinneeeee endlessly, flail around on the floor, grab my legs and not let me move and continue with the demand. Or “mama, truck” “you can’t have the truck now because we need to… but you can have it later if you still want it then” “whiiiiiiiiiine”. Now, the whine is either straight up whining or a fake cry. I say fake because if we are able to distract him, he is back to merry go lucky and giggling immediately.
 
@anthonycon3131 Yes, it will work with a 22mo. He knows his whines work so he’s continuing to use them. Like the previous poster you have to let him know it won’t work and that it’s not socially acceptable to act that way. Let him flail and show him it doesn’t work. Let him know you’re going to ignore him “I have to wash dishes I’m going to ignore your behavior until I’m finished.” He will protest keep strong. Throwing a tantrum is hard work and he will tire. For the truck or you problem go ahead and let him know the limit “you can’t have the truck right now but you can play with the plane. Omg look the play it’s flying so high and fast” this is called a redirect and the fact that you’re making the plane so much fun he’ll see it as fun. Then praise him for listening and being flexible. Praise all the behaviors you’d like to see more of and he will do them
 
@anthonycon3131 Another thing I love to do is talk to myself when I’m dealing with kiddos like this and use a when
Then statement. “When Jonah says excuse me I can talk to him. I really wanna talk to Jonah I hope he says excuse me soon” you’re still ignoring him but showing him how to unlock his mother’s attention in a positive pro social way.
 
@salimpu Have you read “how to talk so little kids will listen”? It’s a really good book with strategies for dealing with things like this.

I think my approach (which is pretty much from the book) would be something like, “wow you really like this ice cream. Would you build a house made out of ice cream if you could? Oh yeah what kind of ice cream would you use?” And just get silly with it. It’s kind of like redirection. Kids get so easily focused in on something and they want that thing and they forget there is so much else out there.

So another approach could be to literally leave the room and then call him into another room, and use that to start the redirection.

Another option would be, the first time he asks for more ice cream, offer one last spoonful, and then immediately as he is putting that in his mouth, redirect/move him to the next activity. Make it a game or a race if you can, like “I bet you can’t get into your pajamas before I get to your room” or “can you do 20 jumping jacks in a minute” or something.
 
@salimpu One of “Hunt Gather Parent”’s tactic is to ask something like, “Who’s whining at me?”

I tried it with my two and a half year old a few weeks ago and to my utter surprise she sobbed, “Mmmmeeeee!!!!”

She still had emotions for a bit but it did seem to lessen the intensity.
 
@salimpu Do you acknowledge his feelings and give him a future yes?

Mine tend to beg for cookies and popsicles. “I know! Popsicles are so yummy! I wish we could have one now too but we need to wait until dinner! What flavor do you think you’ll pick?”
 
@doralyn Yeah, just last night we had ice cream. I said “I can tell you loved that ice cream and really want some more. We can have some more tomorrow.” Still screams and pleads.

I’m bad at the redirecting. Either it doesn’t work at all or I can’t think of any way to redirect. My wife has more success with that. He still doesn’t see me as someone that he wants to comfort him. He only wants comfort from momma.
 
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