New Dad looking to overcome the Fear

[miriamjcross]

My son was born at 33+4. My wife had gestational diabetes and the doctors determined he’d be safer on the outside so they induced.

On my first trip down to the NICU to see my son officially, they told me he would need a surgical consult at another hospital, and he was quickly moved. Thankfully after further investigation, that was determined to be clear with no surgery needed.

We spent 3.5 weeks in the NICU, testing for a possible infection after a few bumps popped up. Thank God, that too was clear. We were transferred to a step down facility across the way where he has been since.

Bottle feeds have been an issue, and some feeds he will take 48ml or 35ml, while the others he will barely get 10, sometimes too sleepy to even try so they go for the NGtube. He had his fair share of b’s and d’s too which they attribute to being preemie. Today he’s had a couple episodes where he desats either during feeding or after, which they seem to think could be a reflux issue? They opted to put him back on the low flow just to be sure.

He will most likely be transferred back to the NICU he was in as they want to do a swallow test, and neurology consult.

Sorry for the long winded point, but all the while this has been going on, I’m struggling. From the last non stress test for mom to this moment, I’ve felt so physically ill from this that I feel like I’m not doing my job as his Dad. I’ve had to go back to work, which I know is important, but I’m constantly in wonder of what’s happening. Mom is there with another family member every day, and sleeps overnight. I just can’t seem to not get a pit in my stomach or heart sink when a doctor or a nurse comes in for even the littlest thing.

Thank you for your time for anyone who reads this, and I pray that you and all of your babies are strong and healthy!

 

[jsw3883]

@miriamjcross Hey hey! Dad on Day 175 here. I had to go back to work around day 90. Gotta carry the insurance to pay for it all.

It sucks.

Might I advise that your wife spending every second there might be part of this issue. Since she is never home, you two can’t spend time connecting over this fear. If you are both at the hospital you are focused on your little one. Try to take a date night a week away from the hospital to connect. We typically go out to a local restaurant and have a nice meal together. We started doing that around day 100 and it changed us. Use it as time to share your hopes, fears, dreams and ultimately reconnect as a couple.

You can do this but man am I sorry how hard it is.

 

[miriamjcross]

@jsw3883 175 days! That’s a true testament to the strength of you family and your little one! We were actually fortunate enough to set aside some time together this weekend and do just that. It was really great seeing the excitement on her face when we were out, and when we got back to see him. We’ve had the conversation about my position in working and maintaining life around this stage, and being on the same page has been immensely helpful.

Thank you for your reply, and I pray your family and little one are doing well!

 

[mybougiebaby]

@miriamjcross As a fellow father and the "breadwinner" of our household I absolutely understand your position.

My wife has many health issues, mostly stemming from lupus and Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. Just being pregnant nearly cost her her life. She still has issues with it, not the kind of thing that just goes away after all.

I struggled for a long while with whether or not I was there enough or doing enough for her and our son. I found that even if I cannot be there physically, I can show my presence and support emotionally. Keep in touch with your wife as much as you reasonably can, and take care of the things she can't right now as best you can. I'm sure she understands that while you would rather be at both their sides at all times, the reality is that working fathers don't always get to do that.

But most importantly, take care of yourself too. Don't judge yourself so harshly on this, your best is way more than enough.
And again but louder, YOUR BEST IS WAY MORE THAN ENOUGH.

Your son won't remember anything of the NICU, only your wife will. Memories of Dad are yet to be made. Your wife, will look back and remember that you did everything you could without compromising your family's potential future security and happiness.

Stay strong fellow father so you can be ready for that possible future.

 

[miriamjcross]

@mybougiebaby Thank you for taking the time to write such a kind response. Your words are so deeply appreciated. I’ve actually used these responses in discussions with my wife on how I’m feeling, and it has helped me cope. I certainly hope that you, your wife and son are doing wonderfully now!

 

[rachel96]

@miriamjcross Hey fellow Dad here!

We did 47 days in the NICU following a 30 +4 birth. That feeling of overwhelming fear when you see a doctor and that nagging feeling that you’re not being “dad” enough are completely normal. My son had a relatively uneventful stay in the NICU but after his first three days that were touch and go that feeling of fear was ever present.

The best way I found to cope was with milestone celebrations. Every week I brought my wife and I and our lead nurse a cupcake on my son’s NICU-versary. We found little things to celebrate - the first time he pooped, the first time he made eye contact, the first time he latched. Those don’t make the fear go away but it does help keep it at bay. A little light in the darkness goes a long way.

With all that being said I know its a trope but there is a light at the end of the tunnel - you and your family will go home and in a few months the NICU will be a distant memory. It’ll forever be a part of your life but thankfully for your son it won’t be - he won’t remember it. My son is just about to turn 7 months (5 corrected) and every celebration moves us just a bit farther from the NICU.

You can do it. He can do it.

If you need to talk dm me. I also had to go to work while we were NICUing so I get it. I’ll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

 

[miriamjcross]

@rachel96 I love those celebrations. I’m sure it really made some of the moments a little less intense. I’m very happy to hear that your son made it home and is doing well! We are looking forward to his journey home, and we’ve been prepping things for that time. It’s something that makes my wife incredibly happy and excited. She’s really shown her strength through it all, and has helped me cope.

My son has done very good since going back to the hospital. Now it seems the only objective is working on the bottle feeds and a swallow test. They believe reflux is the culprit for his feeding. I really do appreciate your kindness in such a difficult time, and I won’t forget all you dads who have helped me through. May God bless you and your family!

 

[diamerica]

@miriamjcross Hey Man - I feel you completely.

My LO was 33+2. A lot of your story sounds very similar to mine. When they did his first X-ray to rule out NEC I swear I paced a hole in the floor. When I updated the 'my preemie ' app to remember when I held him for the first time he was also being worked up for potential infection, and I thought, how many more times will I get to hold him.

Does your Son have any emesis? Like projectile emesis? That's the thing that got us to figure out my kid had Pyloric Stenosis, and after his surgery he was discharged 4 days later. Everyone kept saying it was reflux, but I had a gut feeling they were feeding him too much, and it was more than that. So trust your judgement and advocate fiercely for your kid and you'll keep being a great Dad.

Best of luck.