Need some advice, I’ll be taking in my niece with some issues

[tlddlt16]

A bit of background about her, she’s coming from a very troubled background.
Previous sex abuse, she’s grown up in a broken household with a revolving door of new parental figures and people on drugs.

She’s seven, doesn’t trust anyone or let anyone close to her.
She’s aggressive at times, screaming, throwing things ect.
She doesn’t accept or participate in any form of discipline.
Put her in the corner and she’l walk out and tell you to go “” yourself.
Her biological mother tried to spank her and my niece struck her with an old broom handle when it was over because “Momma started it”.

She’s not a bad child by any means, I’m not trying to push that image.
She’s a young girl that’s been through far more than anyone should have too and doesn’t trust anymore.
I plan to get her into therapy and try to make a stable, structured environment for her.

This being said, I have no previous experience with troubled youth or abused children.
I would greatly appreciate any advice from anyone here with experience in this type of situation.

 

[katrina2017]

@tlddlt16 I understand how difficult this type of situation must be for both the child and the caretakers. Typically children from these types of backgrounds respond differently to traditional discipline methods, but it doesn’t render them outright ineffective more than it necessitates a different mindset and more grit and patience on the part of the parental figure.
First thing, I would say it’s paramount to establish trust with the child. Discipline will be much harder for both here if that doesn’t happen to a certain degree. In this case, I’d imagine it would require much more effort than the average child/parent relationship calls for. So just like it is the case for adults, establishing trust with a child boils down to what you say and what you do being isomorphic. This isn’t simply getting a child to “like” you. It’s getting them to understand that what you say is the truth, and it is supported by how you behave. So it’s important that in every aspect, you are demonstrating that. This requires clear communication with the child and needs to be matched with consistent action. If you set rules and make the consequences known, you have to act those out when necessary. Likewise, when you make promises of reward, there can be no deviation from fulfilling your end of the deal. So what you do is as important, if not more, than what you say.
As far as discipline goes, this is where the waters get a bit more murky. The reality is, no one is doing the child favors by allowing her to respond the way you described. One of our main goals as caregivers is to ensure that we, and others, LIKE our children. A child who is liked is rewarded by society in the form of more positive attention, more opportunities (invited to more parties, social events, etc), and ultimately builds a stronger trust with the world as a consequence. But that may call for a rigid disciplinary structure. When I say rigid, I’m more so speaking of the consistency of the system, not so much of it not being subject to necessary change. Rules need to be established so that she understands what’s expected of her behavior, and deviation from that structure must result in responses that the child sees as undesirable. If that has to be backed by physical discipline, then so be it. I’m in no way advocating for abuse, but the child has no reason to respect or TRUST your word when it falls apart at the level of physical action. Which might be why she uses physical means to act out or respond to discipline. She isn’t being met with consequences that require a change in behavior. Now this could also mean that simply removing something desired would be sufficient to stop the bad behavior. But it’s key to remember that giving a child a reason NOT to do something needs to be paired with an alternative mode of being that gives the child a reason TO do something that’s being asked of them. So they need something to move towards, while also having something to run from. (Move towards desired behavior and reward, run from bad behavior and punishment).
As far as the child’s history of abuse goes, this is a touchy area to work in. I’m not suggesting that you ignore her past, but neither the child nor the parental figure can allow her to be identified by her tragedies. She is more than the bad things that happened to her. It won’t be easy, like raising any child isn’t, but it doesn’t have to be more difficult than it starts out to be. You alone can start to restore her trust in others. And you also have to strengthen her to deal with the multitude of tragedies that still await her throughout life, Bc they’re coming for everyone. She’s had a much more rough start than the majority of kids, so her hill is going to be steeper and filled with more obstacles. But she doesn’t have to fall to the bottom of it. With your help she can become a damn good climber.

 

[stellarrace]

@tlddlt16 You should read "The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog" by Bruce Perry. He is a renowned child psychologist and has a lot of great tips from real life experiences he's had with children. Thank you for helping her!

 

[katrina2017]

@stellarrace I was just about to post the same recommendation. Excellent book!