My Son's Grandmother want to be apart of his life after her son Physically abused me

[papabigpaws]

I'm going to give you a little bit of context then I will get to the story. If you don't want to read context just go to the second paragraph. TLDR below. TW: PHYSICAL ABUSE

I (26f) had my son (7f) when I was 19 years old in 2015. I love my baby boy to death and he is the most sweetest, gentle, and patient child I know. I met my child's father when I was 16 and he was 21. He was extremely mentally and physically abusive and looking back I feel as if he groomed me. I was a naive insecure little girl who didn't know her worth and he preyed on that. That doesn't make me an angel. I mean I chose to be with him, so before you guys judge me: I KNOW. I live with it everyday. But anyway, He completely alienated me from my family as soon as I turned 18 and I graduated High school. He worked part time at McDonalds making $8.50 hr and I knew that wasn't enough. Every time I mentioned me picking up more shifts to support our baby at my job he would immediately get angry. I was his only mode of transportation and would drive my car everywhere, picking me up and taking me to work. When I was pregnant, I moved into his mother's home with his two sisters and it was hell. His older sister and I got into arguments all the time and she tried to fight me when I was 7 months pregnant. It was a hostile environment. He repeatedly screamed in my face, pushed me, and broke my phone, left bruises and threatened to k*ll me. When my son was two months old, he called me repeatedly while I was working a double shift, and when I got home s*** hit the ceiling. He immediately accused me of cheating on him, and he struck me in the face with my son on my side. He left me with a big knot in my head, and I had a black eye. I hit my head against the wall while he struck me repeatedly and shouted at me. I called my mom to immediately get me (she never wanted me to leave in the first place), and not only did she show up, my grandfather showed up with a shot gun and three of my uncles and three male cousins and my female cousin who is my best friend were in a pick up truck ready to get me. This may seem crazy but I never felt so protected. This man (and I use that lightly) was powerless. He couldn't control me anymore. My grandfather walked up to him and whispered something in his ear and he immediately gave me my keys back. To this day I don't know and can't ask because my "Papa" is deceased now, but While I was gathering my things he started crying like a little b***** and telling me that he loved me and that he was sorry. His mama and sister got in my face too but my mother and cousin stood up for me. I packed my things and packed my baby's things and left. His mother told me to leave crib and stuff she got because she was getting her money back and i did. After I got back home. My grandmother had a living room full of clothes ready for me. I immediately broke down and i cried because the love I felt from my family was so strong. My mom supported me and my son throughout college and I went to school and studied super hard and still somehow managed to graduate with honors on time with my peers. I am truly grateful for my family for taking care of my baby and I. I love them with all my heart and without them I probably would've still been in that situation. I'm working a really great job and I have a fiance'! He is so loving and kind. He takes care of us and My son loves him very much and we are happy!

Now for the recent story.

My child 's father hasn't seen my son since that night, and since then he's been in and out of jail for multiple offenses. . He is currently serving a 6 month sentence for a probation violation. He has 3 more children with two other women (set of twins and single) and he's apparently engaged to the last baby mama. I don't care we're not in contact with him. His mother found me on facebook and messaged me and asked me how my son was doing. I said he was fine and she then proceeded to tell me that she misses hime very much and that she hates how everything went down. But there's the thing: If she miss him so much why didn't she make the effort to see him? I've had the same number since I was 15 byears old. She could've called and been involved if she wanted to. She wants to meet up with us one day and talk and I said I'd think about it, because at the end of the day my son deserves to know who his family is. But why now? Is it because I'm engaged? Is it because I'm thriving and they want a piece of the pie?It's been damn near 8 years and they haven't done a got damn thing. Not a even a simple birthday card. They're sorry, no good people. What do I do? My son knows his father and his family through pictures and whatnot but other than that they are complete strangers! I don't feel comfortable but then again I don't my son to feel like I'm keeping him away from his family. My fiance has expressed that he wants to adopt my son soon and I've never pressured my son to call him daddy but he really looks up to and admires him They both love football, fishing, muddin' (we're southern y'all lmao) , and his family has welcomed me and my son with open arms. I love my baby so much but I'm really stuck right now.

I just needed to get this off my chest. Thank you for all who read to the bottom.

EDIT: I’m missed a big piece in the context and I am sorry if this all over the place. Reliving this has made me a little anxious so excuse the grammar. Thank you

Now I told you that my family immediately came to get me but he also called his mom and told her that I was hitting him and throwing things which I wasn’t. That’s why she told me leave all the stuff she bought for him because believed his lie. this system low key messed me up. Now I know why most individuals don’t call the police.

I did file a police report and he was charged with DV assault and contempt of court because I got my son and I a TRO for 1 year and he violated by trying to pull up. He pled no contest served 3 months out of a year sentence. He failed to comply with child support orders and was ultimately terminated from his rights as a father. I have sole legal custody. Sad, but he has a rap sheet as long as my arm with multiple drug offenses. I hope he can turn his life around. I’m not one to talk about someone looks but he looks awful. I truly don’t know what else to say about it. I pray that he gets the help he needs.

TLDR: My son's father abused me and hasn't seen his son in almost eight years and his mother wants a relationship with my son.

UPDATE: I just wanted to come on to say thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. People always say it takes a village to raise a child and although I’m a mom, I’m still fairly young and I’m learning. So again, thank you thank you THANK YOU. I told his grandmother that I just wasn’t ready to meet up at this time and she never responded back. I think it’s best. I’d like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt but not when it comes to my kid. I mean she never even apologized directly to me when we spoke. She just said she hated how everything went down. My son is thriving and I don’t want to open up that wound any further. He hasn’t asked about his dad I’m very long time, but if he’s ever curious one day I’ll take him to therapy and introduce everything step by step. Again, thanks guys!

 

[michelle1299]

@papabigpaws Im all for telling kids about their family, but in this situation, fuck them all.

Your childs safety comes first. Any man who can do that to his gf, can easily do it to a child. Any mother, sisters who watch their son do those things are no fuckkng better. They will either abuse him or trach him that sort of behaviour is normal, and suddenly youll have a mini-ex in your home.

This whole thing rings more alarm bells than a mass break out at a prison.

 

[steven1234]

@papabigpaws Wait until your son starts asking questions and then reevaluate. You don't owe her anything. And don't mess up the good thing you've got going on unless it's something important to your son because he's really the only thing that matters. Then give him all the info of what happened when he's able to understand (try to be unbiased as possible) and let him make the decision.
. I have a very similar situation although my son is only 2.5. but my plan is to wait until he brings it up and then see what happens. As of right now I'm still very damaged and traumatized from my ex and wouldnt be able to have contact with him or his family without really cancelling out all the healing I've been working on. being the best mom I can be is the most important thing. and interacting with his family would be detrimental to my mental ability to do that. My philosophy is that yes, dad's are very important but only if they are good dad's.

 

[123lx]

@papabigpaws No. You owe her nothing. She wanted her money back, remember? I wouldn't have had any contact with her ever again.

 

[heartfullofchrist]

@papabigpaws The only person you owe anything to is your son, his safety and emotional health are all that matter.

Why didn't she reach out sooner? Only she can answer that. It's really likely that she felt massive amount of shame for what her son did. Whether she thought he'd get his stuff together, chose to let things play out, or whatever...

Why now? Again, only she can answer that. It may be for the reasons that you listed. It may be because she got good and tired of her POS son and her longing to be a grandmother drove her to reach out.

Your call if you talk to her or not. If you do, suggest it be in a public place, and if it moves forward from there then it does, and only on your terms.

 

[jadeemars]

@papabigpaws Protect your child firstly. Your sons at a age now where his still developing and last thing you need is others screwing with his mind

 

[katrina2017]

@papabigpaws Nah, you don't owe this woman anything. If you look at how abusers operate, usually their whole family enables them and the abuser's mommy can be just as dangerous to have around as the abuser himself. So, if you don't feel okay being around her you have no obligation to even respond to her.

 

[monicac]

@papabigpaws I went through almost the exact same thing. I lived with my ex in his moms house with his siblings there. He physically and verbally abused me in front of his whole family. He’s gone to jail a few times. Has more kids. He has no job. My ex has physically abused his girlfriend before me in his moms house as well with every one present. His mother is his enabler. Every time he’s went to jail his mother was the one to bail him out every time. He keeps having kids without having a job, the person who gets his kids what they need (not mine tho) is his mother. His mom financially supports him to help avoid child support. His mom even once took me to court for grandparent rights all because he tried to cut her off.

You either have someone who is estranged from him or is enabling him. Tread lightly. You don’t know if she’s doing this to stroke her own ego or genuinely add to the quality your sons life. I dealt with this dilemma before and I cut her out because it would confuse my child and I know that his mother would feed my child lies and downplay his hostility and try and cover it up as usual and I don’t want her continuing their cycle with my child.

 

[uselessnumberone]

@papabigpaws How have they not seen a seven year old in nine years?

 

[papabigpaws]

@uselessnumberone typo, almost 8 years I meant

 

[uselessnumberone]

@papabigpaws Ok- you did it more than once and I thought I was losing it, lol.

I’m guessing you never had a court order?

 

[papabigpaws]

@uselessnumberone I did file a police report and he was charged with DV assault and contempt of court because my son and I got a TRO for 1 year and he violated by trying to pull up. He pled no contest served 3 months out of a year sentence. He failed to comply with child support orders and was ultimately terminated from his rights. I have sole legal custody. Sad, but he has a rap sheet as long as my arm with multiple drug offenses. I hope he can turn his life around. I’m not one to talk about someone looks but he looks awful. I truly don’t know what else to say about it. I pray that he gets the help he needs.

 

[uselessnumberone]

@papabigpaws Oh his rights are terminated I would do whatever you feel comfortable with. Personally? I would ignore them all. I’d be honest with your son and have him in therapy and when he’s older I would revisit this

 

[poeticallysadchristian]

@papabigpaws Only supervised visits if she really wants to see her grandson. She should understand her son's actions cause the mistrust.

 

[fredbelieves]

@papabigpaws She's getting old and has regrets OR she wants something. Either way, not your problem. She raised your POS ex and would not be a good influence on your son. So please don't let her see him.

 

[drsharles]

@papabigpaws Baby you were a CHILD and he was a grown adult. I'm 21 now and I can't imagine even imagine looking at a 16 year old. That's SICK. Don't blame yourself for that honey. You're absolutely right, he took advantage of you. Don't let them do it again!!! NO SHE CAN'T SEE HIM, put your foot down!!