I divorced my ex almost 10 years ago b/c he was in another relationship. After divorce they got married and did everything they could to convince my kids (then 9 & 7) I was horrible and tried to convince the kids to live with them full time. It was almost like this woman's quest was to destroy me how ever she could. This continued for several years until the kids got older and saw the truth for themselves and decided to spend less and less time at his house. Visits turned into calls, then hardly a word.
Until a few days ago...
They contacted my oldest (now 18) a few days ago and It seems my ex and his wife got behind on their mortgage, are being evicted, and have to be out by tomorrow. My youngest wants nothing to do with him and doesn't want to go and I am not forcing him. The condition of their home is horrible (piles of trash/mold/maggots on tables...why dump your responsibilities onto your kids? But my oldest sees this as an attempt to have the relationship with his dad he never had and wants to help them. Meanwhile, his dad has already asked for my son's W2, knows he is working and saving money for a car. Both his dad and step mom offered for him (just him) to move in. I know it's for the money and so does his brother but my oldest says he always wanted a relationship with his dad and that he can 'fix' him. He doesn't understand where we are coming from. I don't want to see him hurt any more than he already has been but what can I do? I have already spoken to him about all of this but just doesn't get it
@paulchung I don’t think there is anything you can do, more than be the soft landing place your kid needs when the inevitable disappointment hits again.
It hurts in a way as well. I understand all he wants is that relationship but knowing all that his dad and stepmom put each one of us through this feels like a bit of a betrayal as well. Is that selfish to say?
@paulchung No, your feelings are valid. Sometimes, 18 just had to go through it themselves, to understand it completely.
No one can hurt you like your adult children. While he's living there, expect to feel betrayed, misunderstood, unheard, and you will definitely feel like you failed. You did not fail. Your son just needs to experience it himself. Stay neutral. No matter what he tells you, just ask him what he thinks about it. Do not offer an opinion.
This part of parenthood sucks, but it will iron itself out. Stay strong.
@h312 Oh, this will be an opportunity for growth for me because I have no problem offering my opinion . I don't like this at all. I can now understand why parents are excited for their kids to leave home.
@paulchung Don’t let your child give him his W2. He will want to claim him as a dependent and that could mess up your child’s future if he wants to get grants/scholarships for college. If you can’t stop him, at least help him file his taxes before sharing with his dad that information. Not only that, but it would be illegal for your ex to claim his as a dependent since he has not lived with him. Also, make sure to tell your child to lock his accounts in case the father tries to remove money once he has access to him, his SS number and ID. This includes them trying to open up credit cards on your son’s name. It will be super easy to do with that information and your son using their house as his address. Your son wouldn’t know until it was too late. Really sit your son down and explain that a parent does not take money from their teenager. If he asks or attempts, to please stay strong. If he doesn’t want to be around him if he doesn’t give him money or gets mad, then the dad is showing him what kind of “parent” he is. Good luck.
@v2kwame I have talked to him until I am blue in the face. It's like talking to a brick wall. There's nothing I can do except let him learn the hard way.
@paulchung I have older kids too. I know how it is. I will say this. My friend had her son go live with his dad at 18. He was barely in his life (only when he had a new girlfriend who made him make the effort and then back out again quickly). He lasted 6 months there and finally got to meet his “real” father. Not the one that randomly showed up with a smile and fun for the day every once in awhile, but his crappy, drunk, shitty father. It was a rough 6 months, but luckily he realized at 18 and won’t be have to deal with the what if the rest of his life. It put all of his doubts to rest and he rarely talks to him at all anymore. Good luck.
@paulchung Sometimes they do. I’m so sorry. Once he’s there, don’t give him any money. If he needs anything, keep your door open for a place to sleep and eat, but don’t give him any money because it would be used to help that household. Sometimes they need to experience it to learn. He will and probably quickly.
@paulchung I would ask your son if he understands that he will be paying rent and other bills for his father. I would make sure he knows going in he will be paying for their living expenses and cleaning the house. Just know he will ask his father if this is true (he will most likely lie and say no). But support him with whatever decision he makes. If you push too hard he will leave and resent you. If your son is comfortable maybe set up another savings account with you as a secondary signer for the majority of his pay to continue to save money. I wish your son all the best.
@rexoss Yes, we have discussed all of these details. He understands, or at least says he does. I think he feels like he needs to be the 'hero' for his dad here. He said he can fix him and I told him that is why, at 52, I am in therapy for codependency. You can lead a horse to water....
@paulchung Yeah, that is the sucky part of life. Again, last resort just be there for the crash and burn. We all have to learn on our own if we don't listen to the advice given.
Is that selfish to say?