My kids (5, 7) just left for a 6-day vacation with my husband, why can't I stop crying

[leadbyexample12]

I'm a working mom in Europe. [edit: new/alt account to post here]

This was supposed to be a break for everyone: I've been super-stressed, burning the candle at both ends lately, and can't go abroad for work reasons.

So my husband's taking the kids for a brief resort holiday in the sun. They'll get to have boisterous splashy fun, and I'll have a "pottering" staycation -- read, sleep in, relax, get round to my little projects around the house, take myself to the movies.

Only they left for the airport an hour ago and I haven't stopped sobbing. It's like someone died. I can barely catch my breath; I can tell I'm going to have a bad headache later.

What is going on? How do I stop? Every time I pass a toy or book, or picture their little faces or arms it's like I've been punched in the stomach.

This is the longest they've been away from me, and the first time abroad without me.

It feels like a part of me is gone, stolen. It hurts so much. I feel so dumb. They're going be at a resort!

Is it going to be six days of this? Is there something wrong with me? How can I stop? This is unbearable.

PS: if this should go in a different sub, please let me know. I'm not thinking 100% straight

 

[threedwellness]

@leadbyexample12 Take a few deep breaths. You’ve been go go go and everything just came to a screeching halt. Now go drink a big glass of water so your headache later isn’t horrible. Take an hour to unwind, have a bath or shower, nap, drink some coffee or tea. When I feel this way I try to tell myself the truth. So what’s the truth here? You need a break. Your kids are off having a great time! Will they miss you? Yes! Will you miss them? Yes! When they come home to a relaxed mom who has had a few days to check out and take care of herself then everyone will be better for it. Enjoy your time to yourself. Everything is ok.

 

[tbvsthienloc2020]

@threedwellness This is such a good way of describing it. If you’re on “survival mode” constantly your mind is struggling suddenly with how to stop

 

[puregold020]

@threedwellness Every woman needs a friend like you.

 

[threedwellness]

@puregold020 This made me cry. It’s honestly the nicest thing someone has ever said to me. Thank you.

 

[leadbyexample12]

@puregold020 Agreed. And every woman needs to be this friend to herself.

 

[leadbyexample12]

@threedwellness I just want to say thank you so much for this. I don't have a mom or a sister and I needed to hear all of this so much. Blessings from your preferred source. Thank you for taking the time to be so kind.

 

[threedwellness]

@leadbyexample12 I was thinking about you off and on today! I’m happy to read in your other comments that you are doing a bit better! If you need support we are always here!! Happy they had a safe plane ride!

 

[elaine87775]

@leadbyexample12 The first time our son spent the night away from us, I picked a fight with my husband and ruined our anniversary dinner/evening bc I didn't know how to not be Mom.

It's going to be ok. Drink some water, eat a snack, and take a nap. When you are ready to make your list later, you are going to get so much done!

 

[string_theory]

@elaine87775 My husband is arranging for the two of us to go away overnight for our anniversary and I don’t think we’ve done that in over 3 years. Thanks for the reminder that I’m not going to know what to do with myself and to take it easy at first.

 

[elaine87775]

@string_theory Lol yeah it's crazy that's it's been almost 15 years since then and I still remember having that realization. Now that "baby" is about to start high school and is babysitting his siblings! But I still don't always know what to do when they go away for a weekend, you would think by know i'd've figured it out!

 

[leadbyexample12]

@elaine87775 Thank you so much for helping to normalise this feeling! It's so strong I don't really know where to put it, but all the advice on this thread has been so supportive.

I love how everyone is telling me to take a nap, too. I intend to.

 

[elaine87775]

@leadbyexample12 Lol we all know the power of a nap!

 

[walwinter]

@leadbyexample12 You’re getting to stop dealing with every little minutiae of their every waking minute while also trying to balance work and household stuff for the first time in six years. Your body/mind literally don’t know how to relax.

If you can calm down enough to get out of the house, go out. Go for a walk somewhere you wouldn’t with the kids. Go to a shop where you normally wouldn’t and browse. Get some takeaway that you normally don’t because the kids don’t like it. You’re able to put yourself completely first for the first time in long time and your body is reading it as a trauma, which to me says that normally you’re wound so tight you’re about to snap from stress (not criticizing, just my read). Instead of snapping, all that tension was just released. You’ll be okay.

 

[leadbyexample12]

@walwinter This is brilliant advice. I didn't get to go out today, but I've made plans to tomorrow -- and you're right. Perspective helps, and I know their plane has landed too, so I'm down a Defcon level.

 

[walwinter]

@leadbyexample12 I’m glad it’s settling out for you! It’s not easy to not be the primary after you have been so long!

 

[katrina2017]

@leadbyexample12 I have never had this problem but I have a slightly different perspective... My parents never went on vacations alone because my mom wouldn't allow it, the kids always had to be there. She seemed physically incapable of enjoying anything if her children weren't with her.

When my parents dropped me off at college, my mom acted like this. My dad even said that on the drive home she "acted like you had died".

The whole thing made me extremely sad and guilty, and being 18 I was unable to make sense of any of those feelings. As an adult I understand that I was upset she wasn't happy for me. I was starting the most exciting chapter of my life so far, and all she could think about was herself. My dad was so interested in everything, asking what classes I was taking and where things were on campus, and also giving me useful advice. My mom just acted weird the whole trip and barely talked.

As an adult I now have a very strained relationship with her. I feel like she only ever viewed me as a pet or some kind of trophy to show off, but never really a human being in my own right.

I'm not saying at all you're doing any of this. I guess I just mean to advise that if you can't ever let this feeling go, don't let your kids see it. Especially when they're older. I am still so frustrated with my mom for making me feel like that. I don't think she was ever emotionally mature enough to figure out how to be happy on her own (or with my dad, who later divorced her). But at the very least she could have pretended to be happy that I was happy, even though it wasn't with her.

 

[leadbyexample12]

@katrina2017 No, I grew up with a narcissistic mother, and a heart, and I've been very careful to show my chlldren joy for them and compassion and coping skills for any fear.

I just feel like I'm being pulled apart inside. It's awful.

 

[myworld19]

@leadbyexample12 It gets easier! There are so many conflicting emotions when you part from your kids. Big hugs to you!

 

[lmccloud]

@leadbyexample12 Nothing at all is wrong with you! You might have some separation anxiety.

When my son went to visit my sister across the country I had to put him on a plane by himself as a 8 year old and I worried about him the ENTIRE time. He was having a great time, I just was worried and sad. Whenever I don't see either of my kids for over 24 hours I get very upset. I went on a cruise and when on the ship I just wanted to go home.

Totally normal and shows that you just really love your kids. Put an ice pack on your chest and do something for yourself. Make sure you get some phone calls in with them if they're able to and connect when you can. They'll be fine, I promise!