My baby won’t sleep and I’m at the end of my rope

@pz128 My baby was the same. 8 hour stretches until 4 months, then waking every 15-45 minutes. The first two weeks were the worst. The first 3 months were the second worst. Gradually he started getting longer stretches. He's 10mo now and it's still hit or miss, but I'm getting a decent 4+ hrs stretch at least once a night.

Sleep is developmental, just like rolling over, walking, babbling. I know it's tough to hear, but time for her brain to develop will play the biggest role here, and you need to find ways to cope until it gets better.

Some thoughts:

Do you have someone (a grandparent or close friend) who can come help? It'll be a lot easier for someone else to settle her at night, because she won't smell your milk.

Would you consider mix feeding her? Maybe whoever takes over at night can give a small bottle to ease the transition.

Is she a good eater when it comes to solids? A decent meal closer to bedtime can make some babies sleep better, but that may not be the case until she's older and eating more.

Can you afford a babysitter or daycare a couple of days a week so you can catch up on sleep? Are you sleeping while she naps? I know there's a lot to do, but sleep and safety are more important. Maybe hire someone to do everyday chores. Sometimes au pairs are free during school hours and will look for casual work at affordable rates.

As someone suggested, can you wait till she's in deep sleep and then bring her to bed with you? She won't wake up as much if you're there ready to feed her. Same for you. You'll get a much better sleep or rest if you're not fully waking up and getting up each time.

This may be a really obvious one, but: have you tried a dummy (pacifier)? Or putting her thumb in her mouth?

And lastly, what I mentioned in another comment: her sensory diet is almost as important for sleep. Look up the Possums Program by Dr. Pamela Douglas. Her YouTube channel is called NDC Baby and Toddler and she wrote The Discontented Little Baby Book.

ETA: None of us here are fans of sleep training and especially CIO methods. However, safety is paramount, and sleep deprivation can become extremely dangerous. If you're finding yourself at risk of dropping her, having a car accident, or your mental health deteriorates (just some examples), then you need to prioritise safety. Attachment injuries can be repaired; a fatal accident cannot. And let's not forget that a depressed mother is not healthy for baby either, and can be just as (if not more) detrimental to attachment. You do what you need to do, and feel proud of yourself for putting so much thought and effort into finding the best solution for YOUR family. Don't let anyone shame you for doing what you need to survive.
 
@thedancingbaptist Thank you for your edit! I’m also absolutely not a fan of sleep training but I fell asleep holding her a couple times and that’s just so dangerous. Safe sleep is very important to me, which is why I’m considering my options
 
@pz128 I think the rhetoric can sometimes go too far and people forget that in some cases, that thing we don't like IS actually the best decision.

As an example: I've always been a proponent of breastfeeding, and never thought I'd have issues with it. Then my baby was born, and we had nearly every issue under the sun. I was triple feeding, getting almost no sleep (even though he slept all the time and through the night) and still most of his nourishment came from formula. The pressure to EBF was insane... And it didn't ease off when I started having episodes of psychosis due to sleep deprivation and intense stress. Because breast is best, amirite? I don't know about you, but a sane mother comes before breastmilk, in my book.

A really extreme example would be a NICU baby. Of course you want to be with baby all the time for bonding, but babies need the NICU for a reason. And we don't act as though the parent-child bond is a lost cause, do we? Because it's not. You can always repair.

All of this to say: we can agree that certain choices are best, all else being equal. But we need to be vigilant that we recognise when all else is NOT equal. Safety first. Sanity second. Everything else comes after that.

Again: you have plenty to be proud of. You're doing amazing.
 
@thedancingbaptist Thank you so much, I absolutely needed to hear this!! We had another hard night and something needs to change, my baby needs a happy and healthy mom more then she needs to be held (and possibly dropped) all night long. Unfortunately tonight I do think need to start a gentle sleep training, which I hate to admit, but I do think it’ll be best for my baby and me
 
@pz128 So it might be time to start tweaking those naps. She might be sleeping too much in the daytime at this point. I’m trying to remember when we switched nap schedules and I do believe it was around the 6/7 month mark. Our baby was on 4 naps but they were much shorter then we switched to 3 longer ones (was still shorter than 4 naps).

Either add another short nap to the mix and cut down slightly on the other two or cut both naps down by 15/20 minutes each.

Her bedtime wake window might be extending since she’s getting older so I would be adjusting the wake window times a bit. Make one change at a time, give it a few days/week and see how it goes.
 
@pz128 At six months my baby’s sleep was awful and it just sucked until 12 months. She used to wake almost hourly every night now it’s 3-4 hour chunks which is so much better that I can’t even be too sad she’s still waking up. So there may not be much more you can do. But try dropping a nap, capping naps and force the last wake window to be longer. I’m ruthless with my baby’s last wake window. If you can leave the house get baby into a different environment to stimulate their brain. Also there is nothing wrong with nursing to sleep. At the hardest points we just coslept so that even if she was awake I at least could lay down. And then my husband would try to help me get a nap on his day off. He worked 16 hour days so I know how relentless this feels and my heart goes out to you
 
@pz128 Have you tried cosleeping? I know this is not for everyone but there are a lot of resources out there that can give you more information about sleep cosleeping practices. My son was (and still is but to a much lesser degree) a shit sleeper. I decided to cosleep with him because it was getting too much. Also, I exclusively breastfed him so it was so easy to just whip my boob out and went back to sleep
 
@pz128 6 months was a really hard time for sleep for us too. What’s baby’s schedule like? It could be that she is simply not tired enough… but hearing that she is waking every 45 min sounds like the typical 6 month sleep regression. Hold on to your horses because there’s quite a few more regressions… however I have found that tweaking the nap schedule helps somewhat. Share with me and I’ll try to help :)
 
@crossroad77 So this is normal? My baby is 6 months old and has been doing this for 2 weeks. A couple nights ago, he unexpectedly slept for 7.5 hours straight and I thought - yay! It’s over! But we’re right back at it. I am up all night holding or nursing him.
 
@lucywu2012 Yes. It is very normal and there isn’t anything wrong with you or your baby! Sleep isn’t linear. My son only started STTN without false starts and feeds at 13mo. But even now at 18mo sometimes he’ll wake up for water or to pull his socks off. We still bedshare at the moment.
 
@pz128 Is she getting sensory input throughout the day? Research shows babies need all their senses stimulated throughout the day for good sleep, or they'll be "hungry" for it. Baby wearing is the best way to achieve this.
 
@pz128 I've been sharing this lately though it might be unpopular but we had to try it as waking every hour or less was destroying us.

First we introduced solids and give baby a heavy dinner to help her stay asleep. Polenta or pasta, potatoes, even baby cereal.

We night weaned around this time which took a while. We would push back feedings as long as possible.

(Nursing back to sleep didn't work all that well with our baby anyway.)

To get baby back to sleep she needs to be bounced or rocked. Which sucks when I want to lie down or sit down but it is what it is. I survive by always having earbuds in playing a book or podcast. Even YouTube. I walk around the room or the whole house. After some practice we can tell when she's ready to transfer.

She never liked the crib so we do coaleep.

Husband takes over a lot, I cannot imagine doing this solo. Good luck. Heart.
 
@pz128 I’m confused by your post because it says you sat near the crib trying to get her to sleep for 2 hours and then nursed her to sleep. So is the issue getting her to fall asleep without nursing? Or is it that she only wakes up after 30-45 minutes when she nurses to sleep?

You also mentioned she won’t cosleep because she just won’t go to sleep. What does that mean? She only falls asleep when nursing or when put in her crib but not in the bed?

Without all the info, I can only add that perhaps you can get her to sleep outside of the bedroom by holding her and nursing her in the couch or going for a walk/stroller ride or in the car and then transfer her to the crib or bed to co-sleep after she’s already asleep.

My son went through a period where he didn’t want to fall asleep in bed and we just moved to the living room and he fell asleep no problem and then I laid him in the bed. Not sure if that’s a helpful suggestion at all though since I’m not exactly clear on the exact problem but wanted to share anyway just in case.
 
@miscellaneous I wasn’t super clear in my post (wrote it while very tired lol!) but my issue is both transferring her to the crib once asleep and then if I successfully transfer her she wakes up within about 45 minutes. So falling asleep isn’t the issue, she sleeps great in my arms and on the go in the stroller/car, but she wakes up often in the crib
 
@pz128 Ah, okay, makes sense! How old is she? Maybe she’s just not ready to sleep on her own. My son contact napped in my arms until about 6 months and then was just too heavy for me to hold him so I started putting him in bed but I often had to stay right next to him or else he would constantly wake up. Even though I couldn’t do much else, I could at least nap with him or relax and watch a movie or read in bed.

Also when he was really young there were some nights he wouldn’t sleep unless I held him. So I found a way to do it safely. I forget but there is an Instagram baby sleep account with posts on how to sleep safely while holding your baby. Maybe that would help just so you can get some more rest? Unless she’s too big and heavy and it hurts to have her lying directly on top.
 
@miscellaneous She’s almost 7 months, but 22 lbs so too big to safely hold all night! She does contact nap most of the time throughout the day, but that’s just not sustainable at night
 
@pz128 Ah yeah, makes sense. One thing I did was have my son sleep against my side and I had my arm under him and propped on a pillow so it felt like I was holding him. It definitely wasn’t comfortable to do at night but it allowed us to sleep. Not sure if that might work, just throwing ideas out because I have been there and know the struggle! It will pass though!
 
@pz128 Is she old enough for solids? If so, giving her meals throughout the day could help keep her full at night. I also saw a comment about her nap schedule. I would lengthen the first nap and shorten the last.
 
@pz128 You need someone to come help in the mornings so you can sleep. And have your husband take baby in the early evenings so you can go to sleep first. He can wake you to put baby down. And then you can do the night shift. And then sleep the morning. He can wear baby or entertain baby in their seat in the morning while he makes his coffee and gets ready to leave, wake you up before he goes or the next feeding. And you need to find someone to come in the middle of the day.

This is not sustainable.
 
@gell We don’t have family near by, there’s no one to help during the day. Baby goes to bed around 8 at the latest and so do I, husband goes to work at 5:30am and baby doesn’t start her day until 7am, so it’s all on me unfortunately. My husband can take her in the mornings on the weekends but that’s it
 
Back
Top