It’s been 2 years... & I wish I could go back

[carrye4christ]

This month has already been emotional for me.
2 years ago I got pregnant around Valentine’s Day.
I didn’t find out till March, but. Anyways.

I haven’t had sex since I conceived my daughter in 2019.
Not because it hasn’t been offered but, I have these huge parts of me that is still in love with my daughter’s father.

The whole “relationship” seemed so fast and once we knew I was pregnant he said - no more kissing, sex or anything. We are brother & sister now.
He made it very very VERY clear he does not see a future with me in that way.

The 4 months leading up to us getting pregnant. We spend at least 4 days a week together or more. We talked everyday on text and over the phone for hours. He has felt like home to me since the moment I met him.

I knew when we were fucking, he was sleeping around. He’s told me. So he was never just seeing me. He was always seeing others. He was in a dark dark place when we met and only really in the last 6-8 months has he really started to come out of it.

Once I found out. I hoped what anyone would. That this would change his mind and he would want to be with me. It didn’t and honestly I can’t even name the amount of fights we have had about it. I feel like he got it all. I still feel that way.
I raise his daughter, I live with his parents, I’m always a call away. I moved from Washington to Canada to be with him. I have started the process of immigrating here. We make financial choices together. We are everything but a couple. No sex, very limited hugging. We don’t say I love you. Nothing. We still do see one another naked sometimes because we shower with our baby sometimes but it’s never sexual.

We spend every other day together. I’m best friends with his best friends wives. His sister and I are very close.
His parents tell everyone I’m there daughter in law. His nieces and nephews call me auntie. We are as close as you get.

I found myself missing his touch and me watching his lips. Just little things. I had a dream we were together again and it wasn’t about sex. It was just about him saying he’s in love with me. I remember waking up and wanting to run downstairs and hug him and tell him he’s the love of my life. I stopped at my bedroom door and it hit me like a brick house.
He doesn’t love me and he isn’t in love with me.
Which killed me.
I guess I even tried to push through the thought and he asked me if something was wrong.
He knows I struggle with PTSD night terrors so I just said it was a long night.
He gave me a nice side hug and proceeded on.

I told him after we had our daughter that I was in love with him and he was the love of my life. He told me I was a fool and I didn’t know what I wanted.
But truly after 2.5. Years.... I still feel this way for him. The feeling only gets stronger and deeper.

I over heard him talking to his brother in law about how hard it is sometimes because everyone loves me. That he just feels bad because everyone wants us to be together and he doesn’t want me like that. & it makes him uncomfortable.

Then lastnight his cousins were over and something along the lines he said “ well her and I aren’t married let alone even dating.” And then he laughed.

It hurt so bad. It hurts hearing him openly reject me.

I guess I wish sometimes I could just freeze the part of my brain that thinks about him. Sometimes I wish I could meet someone else.

But my life is so complicated right now it’s not what’s best for me or my daughter. So being single is the answer.

I find my self praying he will one day see that I’m the one but I’m not holding my breath.

I’m just scared that I’ll spend a large part of my life wishing he was all mine.

If he ever found out I was having these feelings again, he would push me away again and we would start fighting again.
So here I am telling Reddit about how he doesn’t love me.

Screw February. Lol.

 

[tentin]

@carrye4christ This will hurt to read but I don’t understand why you’re intertwining your life with someone who has made clear you won’t be together. Why are you putting yourself through living with him to suffer through everyday? It sounds like torture and it will be impossible for you to find what you deserve if you keep doing this. Do you even want to move to Canada? You’re letting him control every aspect of your life instead of stepping back and figuring out what you want and need. Trust me, if someone doesn’t want to be with you, even when you have their child, that will not change. And it seems so manipulative and confusing to have you so close - almost like he’s trying to be a nice guy but this is just messing with your head, this is not kind to you. Don’t be a character in someone else’s life, break free and pursue your own with your child. He can do the work to co-parent with you. Stop deferring to him and making it all easy for him at the detriment to yourself.

 

[carrye4christ]

@tentin I think he’s caught up with wanting to be a good guy and wanting to be a single man.
I’ve asked myself that a lot the past year. Why am I suffering. Then I see my daughter with her family. I just don’t have family that’s stable. So I want her to have it. So I just forget what I want. But it isn’t easy

 

[tentin]

@carrye4christ I know this literally through trial and error and I’m sure some other parents can back me up too - it’s a super slippery slope to make decisions based mainly on your child’s happiness. We do it with the best intentions; it’s so hard not to. But it can backfire and hurt you more, make you resentful, etc and that spills over into your child’s life in other ways. If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

 

[faceofbear]

@carrye4christ You have to figure out what you want since you know he does not see you in that because you deserve to be happy and find happiness remember that.

 

[tentin]

@carrye4christ Sending you love and wisdom. You’re doing the right thing by examining the situation. Take care of yourself and what you want, once you figure out what that is. This is your life too. I hope you’re guided to whatever that path is soon.

 

[danielchavez86]

@carrye4christ His family sound like lovely people and you can still give her that family support without hurting yourself in the process. You don’t have to be in this situation for her to have a family, if they are as supportive as they sound, they’ll still be there as you start your own life. Even then, you are her stable family too. Coming from someone who didn’t have a very stable home life to begin with, I’ve turned that hurt into stability for my own children. I show up for them and that love and security is all they’ve known. You can do it too.

 

[fartoholic]

@carrye4christ Have you considered therapy?
I ask because this story is really heartbreaking, he has openly rejected you multiple times and you seem to be rejecting yourself of the happiness you deserve too.

Learning to let go will be hard, but with therapy you’ll see your worth.

 

[carrye4christ]

@fartoholic Yes! I’m going two days a week on zoom from the states. It’s been good for me. You’re right the public rejection is awful. I cry all the time. When I was pregnant he would say that and it would
Make me so sick. Because I’m more than just a baby oven. I’m a women and regardless I’m human and it hurts. He just gets mad when people think we are together because we aren’t and he makes sure everyone knows that

 

[katrina2017]

@carrye4christ Is what you are choosing to do to yourself now what you would wish for your daughter when she becomes a woman and possibly a mother?

 

[newthing]

@carrye4christ That is a really sad story to read about. I was surprised to see that you are moving from Washington and immigrating to Canada to follow him. I was surprised because I'm in Seattle; I didn't think any Washingtonians were on here. Small World

Anyway, maybe its time to make a clean break? Also, I was surprised to read that you and this guy were having unprotected sex despite him telling you he was cheating on you. If the relationship wasn't monogamous, If it was me, I'd be worried about contracting an STD from the person I was with given the cheating going on.

I hope you don't take my post and my thoughts as a judgment on you and your situation. I sincerely hope that you find the love that you are searching for AND also I hope you realize that you deserve better than this clown that stringing you along.

My .02 Cents. I hope everything works out for you.

 

[maddy62]

@newthing Washingtonian checking in.

 

[aubs1778]

@carrye4christ Wow, first. Welcome to Canada. Your story is a true definition of love is blind. You should move on with your daughter once your immigration process is complete. Work on rebuilding yourself and when the time is right, start dating again.

 

[carrye4christ]

@aubs1778 1000% once I’m a citizen it will give me a lot of freedom. It’s going to take a few years but in the mean time I just try and keep my head down.

 

[carrye4christ]

I have never thought of that. Because that just brought me to tears. I hope she never has to do this. I hope she knows her worth and I will spend my life making sure she does.

 

[maddy62]

@carrye4christ You have to show her your worthy of the same thing. Which you are.

 

[katrina2017]

@carrye4christ Children absorb lessons when we are not aware we are teaching. Language from listening, physics from playing with toys, relationships from watching people around them. Be your hero and be her hero. She is watching and learning from your face, your heartbeat, your gaze when you think she isn't watching.

 

[aleena]

@carrye4christ I'm sorry for your situation, but he sounds like a sociopath (I'm by no means a psychologist or expert, but I worked alongside a sociopath for 5 years). Try googling sociopath signs, it might be confronting.

I don't believe there's a happy ending for you and your daughter in that relationship, even if it turned back into an intimate relationship.

Focus on things that make you feel good about yourself, that's the most important advice I can give you. After a while you'll value yourself enough to make the right decision, both for yourself and your daughter.

In the meantime, try to remember, you're worth it, your daughter is worth it!

 

[carrye4christ]

@aleena Thank you for the support. I do think he has sociopath characteristics. I’ve been working on making myself better. Been learning a lot of life skills from
Free online videos. Like YouTube. So when this wait is over, I can be ahead.

 

[aleena]

@carrye4christ Anything that helps you is a good start! Just remember that you're valuable, and can add value to this world, same for your daughter!

I went through a period of feeling useless and beyond help after I broke it off with my ex, I've only recently realised what a pile of BS that was!