Is there a significant difference between a 3-3.5 vs. 3.5-4 year age gap?

[reynaldo]

My son is almost 2y3m and we have been starting to think more seriously about when to potentially try for another. I am more like 80% sure of wanting another while my husband says he’s 100% sure. Recently our son has been getting even more mischievous and pushing limits (usually just minor behavior but some difficulties with biting and hitting), which has set me back a little bit again. I know it can be impossible to control/achieve very specific age gaps but curious for anyone’s input on whether there would be a big difference between a 3-3.5 year gap compared to waiting just a little longer for a 3.5-4 year gap.

 

[wendysue1959]

@reynaldo For what it’s worth, the potty training seems to finally click for most kids around 3.5 as opposed to 3. We started PT at 2.5 and it took about 10 months to stop having the frequent accidents. 3.5/4 yr olds are often starting preschool too which is a nice break if one parent is staying home.

My son is 3.5 and we are only now potentially considering a second (potential age gap of 4.5/5) Previously we were very firmly OAD. It largely depends on the temperament of your kid during their toddler years on how hard the transition could be.

 

[reynaldo]

@wendysue1959 This makes a lot of sense and is a whole other thing we’ve been learning the hard way. We just started potty training a little over a month ago mostly according to the “oh crap” / Big Little Feelings method and it has absolutely not been as straightforward as they seem to suggest (and I’d still say my son is doing pretty good with it).

 

[wendysue1959]

@reynaldo Same. We struggled with the oh crap method. My kid was so resistant.

 

[kyredneck]

@reynaldo I really didn’t like the oh crap method, and particularly didn’t like how the book was written. Essentially at the beginning of the book she tells you it’s going to be really hard if you’re not potty training by 18 months which obviously we didn’t so I felt like such a failure.

 

[sagarjackey]

@kyredneck Eh these books lump all kids together and pretend they’re all the same. We weren’t particularly in a hurry to potty train but we needed my son potty trained by 4 to go to preschool. We started half heartedly a few months after he turned 3 and for a few weeks he was only mildly interested but then it seemed to click for him and now he uses the potty regularly without issue.

Point being, we used a combination of pull ups, diapers, and just pants no diaper/underwear and my son still figured out potty training and it was much less stressful than this 3 day bootcamp where your kid must have no diapers. We couldn’t commit to that and I’m glad we didn’t force that on ourselves! Now I only wish I’d worried less about potty training

 

[treyg]

@reynaldo It probably won’t make a huge difference in the long run. Relevant factors to consider would be things like concurrent daycare (and cost thereof) and how many grades apart they would be in school. A few months could make a difference in those factors. Also there’s a decent difference between handling a kid on the early side of 3.5 vs closer to 4, which could be a factor in the very early months-years.

 

[reynaldo]

@treyg The difference between 3.5 to 4 is definitely interesting to me. I can see a huge difference in my son over the past 6 months so I can imagine how that continues to unfold.

 

[fateh]

@reynaldo I’m guessing not. With that small amount of variation any difference caused by age may be obscured by differences in personalities. I’d say the reason to aim for a smaller gap is because it’s impossible to predict how long it’ll take to get (and stay) pregnant. We wanted around a 3-3.5 year age gap but I just had two consecutive miscarriages and we are now likely taking several months off for my mental health before trying again. At this point we’re looking at more of a 3.5-4 year gap assuming we’ll be fortunate enough to have a viable pregnancy when we try again.

 

[reynaldo]

@fateh I’m so sorry for your losses and that is a great point, it’s hard to think about but I know we can try so hard to control things but ultimately much of it is beyond our control. Hoping for healing for you

 

[kyredneck]

@reynaldo We have a 3.5 year gap between the kids and it worked great for us- no jealousy when baby came along. There was a bit of regression with behaviour which we anticipated but otherwise it went fairly smoothly. I’m a bit heartbroken there’s such a large age gap between them (4 school years) but we had a miscarriage in between and then it took another 9 months to conceive afterwards.

 

[jazzyd777]

@reynaldo I think that 3.5 years old is when a shift happens. They’re not quite so tantrummy and disregulated, they’re usually toilet trained and not using the stroller and in a bed and eating normal meals at the table and not napping… it felt for us like a shift away from the baby/toddler years and into the next stage of childhood. I remember we went on a holiday and only had to bring our kid a small backpack, and it was like- wow! New stage of life.

Age 3 on the other hand was the hardest point for me, where the big feelings peaked along with some more intentional boundary pushing. I wouldn’t want my older kid to be 3 when I had a newborn, but I think from 3.5 would be easier and from 4 even easier again. Our kids are exactly 4 years apart and it’s been a perfect age gap.

 

[reynaldo]

@jazzyd777 Makes sense. I could go for just a little less tantrummy for sure! I hear a lot about the difficulties of age 3 even more so than the typical “terrible 2s”.

 

[katrina2017]

@reynaldo People are saying here it doesn’t matter, but I have a pretty great new 3 year old and it would not be fun with a newborn right now. If you are finding behavior difficult at 2, 3 is an entirely different thing. 3 is all about control and having things. Just. The. Right. Way. I find it easier because I prefer more language over crying but from my informal polling, perhaps the majority find 3 vs 2 harder.

Age 4 is the year when most parents of typically developing kids start to relax. 3 is still a minefield.

If you can wait, wait!

 

[reynaldo]

@katrina2017 Very interesting, thank you for your perspective. I’m becoming more anxious over what 3 might be like compared to 2. Although of course there are many great things about this age too (already a big increase in language and communication, lots of laughter and more interest in fun activities, etc.) so I know nothing is “all that bad” but still trying to collect as much information/knowledge from people as I can to be more aware of what to consider.

 

[katrina2017]

@reynaldo It’s more fun I promise! I wouldn’t get anxious about it. It’s just a different kind of difficulty than 2, and if people can wait until 3 is mostly over with to have another, I think it’s much easier for everyone.

Btw I just have my only and am likely one and done. Just have a lot of friends with kids and the least stressed out ones have kids 4-5 years apart rather than 2-3 years apart. 2-3 years age gap seems infinitely more difficult for the first few years at least.

 

[chosenremnant]

@reynaldo I'd definitely recommend a slightly bigger gap. There are fewer tantrums and they're more likely to be helpful (fetching a nappy or wet-wipes etc) and less likely to be jealous at an older age.