Is multiple children a good reason to ignore scratches, bruises, and bite marks?

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elleho123

New member
I feel like that question sounds kind of stupid but for context I’m currently coparenting for my 2 year old daughter, we’ll call her Q.

Her father and stepmother have 5 kids, 6 when she is with them. The are all fairly close in age about 1-2 years apart for every child.

Every time Q comes back from dads she is scratched, and bruised all over her arms and legs, occasionally on her head/face. At first this really freaked me out but after awhile I came to realize toddlers are clumsy and with that many children it’s kind of hard to avoid small scratches and bruises. Her dr also assured me once that some scratches and bruises could be normal.

This last time Q came back with a bite mark on her arm so deep it drew blood. This made me freak out but dad said I was being over dramatic and that the kids may harm each other because the parents can’t be expected to watch them 24/7.

Q is my first/only child and I don’t have great examples from my family so truthfully I’m just looking for some insight. I’m not sure how things would work in families with multiple children. Is it normal to expect the kids to get hurt so often? Are the constant scratches and bruises normal? Is this what neglect looks like?

I really don’t know and I’m hoping some unbiased parties would be able to help me understand what to expect for now and for the future.

For the record, I do not believe she is being physically abused by any means. I have taken her to the dr on multiple occasions just for the reassurance it is not abuse. This is just children rough housing, I’m just not sure if there’s a line I can draw or if I need to just let it happen.
 
@elleho123 Ask yourself this....if you took your kid to daycare & found these results everytime you picked her up, would be send her back? Also, does your kid bruise easily when she's with you? Because I have a 3yr old son who LOVES to run around outside. He's better at it now but he use to trip all.the.time. So he was always bruised somewhere on his legs. He wasn't covered, more like one bruise at all times. But your kid shouldn't be getting bruises everytime she's at the dad's house if she's not with you. That means the kids are likely hitting, kicking & biting....and since your ex is nonchalant, this means he's not gonna do anything even if he sees it happen. So you're right. It's not abuse, but it sounds like crappy parenting.
 
@bbanvil Honestly, I grew up in a home where my older sister was allowed to be physically hurtful as well as play a ton of mental and emotional games and imho if parents allow it beyond a certain point, that's abusive. Sometimes kids need protection from other kids, they can't be allowed to rage freely on the other kids.
 
@bbanvil I completely agree. Just using the topcomment to say: If she has a human bite mark, get her checked out immediately. The human bite is one of the most dangerous ones. There doesn't even need to be blood for it to be dangerous
 
@elleho123 I’m a mom of 6. A couple extra bruises on legs or arms sometimes? Sure. Covered in bruises every time and bite marks that drew blood? That’s a lot. If it was one occasion that may be normal but every time seems like no supervision, which for a 2 year old is very risky.
 
@elleho123 I think, multiple children can explain it - but I don't know if it should be ignored.
There's a little boy who's an only child that I watch on occasion. He's a toddler just over a year old - and he sometimes comes to me with bruises and scratches that his mom explains what happened - he's very active, he's a toddler baby who's learned to climb and he gets into accidents. Completely explainable and understandable. I have four of my own and he plays with them and they get rough sometimes but each instance is explainable and it's not every single time that he's brought over or that he's with us It's only occasionally and it's explainable. Like I'm aware when an accident or injury has occurred and I communicate with his mom.

The bite mark incident is slightly worrying if there was no explanation or communication about what the consequences were and what the action plan moving forward to avoid it happening again is.

Basically, I would be concerned if you continuously have no explanation for the injuries. I mean a scratch or bruise here and there where you don't know what caused it because "kids and toddlers" is okay, but if there's never an explanation? I would be kind of concerned that she's not being watched as closely as she should be by the adults. Because they should be noticing when something happens.
 
@elleho123 As a mandated reporter, this would alarm me. The bite marks that drew blood would have me calling CPS on a family, because I'm legally obligated.

My first instinct was to tell you to start having your kid deck back harder and beat the shit out of her step siblings. However, that's also for sure wrong. I'd set some clear ground rules about what is and is not allowed, for safety purposes, around your kid. Of course eyes won't always be on every kid at every time, but coming back covered in bruises and cuts is a huge red flag. I'd be concerned for her safety. I'd be concerned for what behaviors she's learning are okay.
 
@truckerdan When having OCD problems I have tried to bite hard enough to draw blood on my own arm. Adult jaw strength, holding on for over a minute, I've never managed. Some bruising is normal, blood from a human bite is concerning.
 
@elleho123 My husband was an investigator specializing in crimes against children. There are bruising patterns and also places natural bruising typically occurs. There are differences in finger print bruises (for instance) depending on the size of the hand. If you suspect neglect or abuse, go talk to a police detective. You don’t have to make an official child welfare inquiry or anything. If they think it’s very serious they’ll do it themselves and if they think it’s serious that’s what would need to happen anyway.
 
@elleho123 I have 3 kids young and close in age. Yes they hurt each other. But the severity and consistency of this is concerning. And yes when they are that young you need to watch then every second. It’s not easy but the supervision should be much better.

Are you documenting all this. Like pics of her before she leaves and pics when she returns? This might help you make your point.

For the record it is rare my kids ange any marks like you described.
 
@elleho123 Mmm, constant would be a bit off but most kids do get a few scratches and bruises just from normal active play. Bruises on arms, legs etc are likely just normal kid stuff, but if there's regular, large marks on the torso etc or lots of clear finger spaced scratches etc there's probably something else going on to be concerned about - whether that's the adults around not supervising closely enough etc.

Bite marks, again depends on the frequency and severity. Biting in little kids is actually really normal and largely due to frustration and impulsiveness. Especially when they're in that early toddler phase where verbal communication is still developing. If it's happening regularly and the adults around aren't actively managing the behaviour, then I'd start being concerned. Dealing with a biter involves a lot of active supervision and redirection.

Multiple children isn't a reason to ignore anything really, but knowing that kids do rough and tumble says to keep an eye on how frequent it is and whether the adults are aware of how they're happening.
 
@elleho123 The bumps, bruises, scratches, if superficial, are totally typical. My kid is busy and clumsy and always getting into stuff. Remember when we were kids and we were covered in dirt and scratches and bruises? I can’t even recall the last time I had a meaningful bruise.

The bite marks, while alarming, is one of those things where you need to pay attention to frequency. Kids absolutely bite and my kid bites me sometimes, sometimes it’s playful and it hurts and sometimes it’s when he’s angry and it hurts even worse. I wouldn’t worry about it too much unless it’s every single time they come home there’s bite marks. My son had gotten in trouble at daycare for hitting and even biting once before. I think they’re ok, just check frequency
 
@elleho123 I mean, some minor injuries is fairly normal and even biting is common with young toddlers. Is she the youngest? It could be that she's playing or attempting to play at things that are too advanced for her so she's getting hurt. But I also feel like if that is happening, an adult should be there to intervene or explain why doing x is not a good idea because Q could get hurt. At this point, all you can do is document it and keep a record of your exe's responses if you think something is up.
 
@elleho123 I’m so sorry you guys are going through this! I know how stressful coparenting can be. We coparent with my stepdaughter, her mom can be ~difficult~ but I’m a mom of my own and I get it. Anytime something happens that I think she would want to know, I text her immediately. I think someone else had mentioned the bumps and bruises (not to the face though) are normal. Bites? I would ask that they text you so you’re not surprised, and maybe talk about what can be done so it doesn’t happen again?

Again so sorry your family is going through this
 
@elleho123 There are ‘normal’ bruising areas and their are areas of concern for children to be bruised. I’m in a coparenting situation as well where things like this unfortunately have happened. My best advice ( NAL) would be to ( hopefully you already have) have this conversation with your ex in writing and start documenting your child’s full body ( diaper / undies ect on!) before & after exchanges. This will help if there ever god forbid is a pattern of this behavior you’re not seen as pointing fingers but backed up by evidence that it is a problem. If you get your daughter returned to you again in this state with an area of concern, immediately following exchange go to the pediatrician along with pictures ( record the audio of the appointment if you need) to have it documented by a medical professional and then report to CPS.
 
@sharonday737 Hello! You have made the mistake of writing "ect" instead of "etc."

"Ect" is a common misspelling of "etc," an abbreviated form of the Latin phrase "et cetera." Other abbreviated forms are etc., &c., &c, and et cet. The Latin translates as "et" to "and" + "cetera" to "the rest;" a literal translation to "and the rest" is the easiest way to remember how to use the phrase.

Check out the wikipedia entry if you want to learn more.

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@elleho123 parents are obligated to teach their kids to not hit, bite, spit or any other harmful activities natural bruises like falling while playing games is normal but any other thing is not
 
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