I’m [25F] live with my boyfriend, E [25M], and his family. We’ve been together for 3 years. I’ve lived with them for maybe a year.
Background on me: I don’t have kids. But I love kids. In my elementary school year book it asks “what do you want to be when you grow up?” My answer “mom.” Basically I’ve known I’ve wanted kids since I was very young and that’s stuck with me. I also enjoy ready parenting books just for fun.
I’ve done a lot of babysitting and have a lot of close extended family. I’m the eldest grandchild (by at least 8 years) out of 8, ranging from 25-2 years old, just on my moms side. We typically all go away together at least once a year and spend most holidays and birthdays together.
I have one sister [18F]. My parents divorced when I was in middle school. Up until that point my mom was a stay-at-home-mom. My family is middle-class, white American, who owns a house in a decent neighborhood, in one of the highest cost of living states.
Background on E, and his family: He is first generation American. Both his parents were born in Guatemala and came here in their early 20’s to start a family of their own.
We live with his older sister J [26F], niece R [5F], half sister N [13F] and his mom S [late 40’sF]. His parents are also divorced. His dad is really amazing and treats his half sister, N, like his own child. Both his parents always worked.
Aside from this portion of his family, my boyfriend doesn’t talk to many other family members. They are a working class Spanish family, who rent a 3 “bedroom” apartment with 6 people living in it.
Now obviously we’ve had VERY different upbringings. Very different childhoods etc.
J is a single mother. She works full time and makes more money than my parents ever did growing up, still probably even more than my dad makes now. But she also is careless with money. She has significantly racked up tons of credit card debt. She’s always borrowing from her dad or my boyfriend. But she always pays it back.
Anyway, this is where things get complicated, J forces her little sister N to watch R. J has done this since before E and I were together. So a 10 year old was in charge of a 2-3 year old! Home alone by themselves. J always claimed she didn’t have enough money to pay a sitter. Even now, she hardly pays N for her time. Usually paying her in take out food, or basic necessities ie. pads, face wash, or other grocery items. And N doesn’t have a choice, if they don’t have school, too bad you must watch your niece. This is actually a form of abuse called Parentification towards N.
Also J tends to leave R with N not just while at work, but also to go out with friends and spend time with her boyfriend. She does this quite frequently. Most nights she doesn’t even spend at home, she is usually at her BF’s house and comes to get R in time for school.
Another parenting tactic she uses is screaming. I hear J scream more than she actually talks to R. Now obviously R doesn’t listen. And I get it you’re at your breaking point. It’s allowed sometimes. But all the time? Maybe if the kid actually had adult supervision and proper care she’d have better life skills and actually pick up her toys when you ask her to clean up. Or maybe if she had more play time, then screen time she’d have less energy at night and actually go to bed.
And it’s now effecting the way R acts and plays. I’ve seen R scream at toys to “go to sleep!” “Close your eyes! It’s bed time” when she’s playing with dolls. Even at school R doesn’t listen. J is constantly getting calls from her teacher.
They’ve actually set up a sticker system together to “combat” her behavior. But it’s not enough when no one is around to discipline R properly. And when she does try to discipline its “I asked you to clean up your toys 5x’s already im throwing them out.” Which creates even a worse temper tantrum. Or “if you don’t do this we aren’t going to do this.” But hey guess what they have to do that thing no matter what so even if she doesn’t listen it doesn’t matter, you’re teaching her no matter what I do I’ll still be able to do what I want.
Or even worse J will just leave R at home, you know for N to watch. So now a 13 year old has to deal with a scream crying 5 year old amidst a temper tantrum.
Another thing that I strongly disagree with, they force R to eat. Now I’m not says they force Brussel sprouts down her throat. But they make her to eat adult sized portions of fried chicken or macaroni and cheese.
I don’t think this kid has ever seen a vegetable in her life. She’s not allowed to do anything until she finishes her plate.
She’s 5 years old and she’s over weight! Now I’m not talking tremendously. But enough for the doctor to say something.
And all this kid eats is sweets and junk food. Cookies, chips, fried food, cereal etc. She’s never going to know when she’s supposed to eat because she’s hungry. She’s going to have so many eating disorders when she’s older.
Both E and J are over weight. It’s probably because they were also forced to eat like this.
-> Now yesterday is when I snapped. N and R were fighting and screaming yesterday. I told E he should do something about it, calmly. He tried to go in diplomatically, but it ends up in more screaming and fighting. I made a comment along the lines of “what happened to calm?” So he came back and said “you try, if think you can do better than.”
So I went in and I talked to R. I asked her what happened calmly. She was crying so I told her to take 5 minutes since she is 5 years old to calm down so we can talk. I left her room, took a quick shower and came back.
She had calmed down enough I could understand her but talked minimally. I asked her what happened. Between both stories it seemed N asked R what she wanted to eat. R said “Chinese food.” N said “we aren’t ordering food, what do you want from in the house? Mac and cheese?” R got rude with N, so N took away her phone.
So I asked R “are you hungry?” She said no. I said “okay. Then you have to tell N no thank you, I’m not hungry. And you have to apologize, say your sorry, for hurting her feelings and then you can get your phone back.” I tried using empathy so she knows why, and what she did wrong. All R kept saying was “I want my phone back” I repeated myself and made it clear. She refused to say anything more than “I want my phone back”. So I told her “this is the only way you can get your phone back. I’ll give you some more time. I’ll be in the other room if you want me to go with you to talk to N.”
A little bit later I go in again and talk to her, same conversation. But now she’s a little more responsive shaking her head yes and no. Finally she shakes her head yes to go talk to N, when S barges in the room and yells at her to eat now! I tell S, “R is not hungry right now.” S then proceeds to physical start moving R off her bed to bring her to the table. R starts screaming again.
And that’s when I lost it. I stormed out of the house shaking in rage. I drove for hours. I was furious. I just spent the better part of the hour trying to calm R down and get her to apologize for her actions and she was about to do it. Everything I’ve just accomplished gone. Back to square one. I’ve stood by for so long watching this poor kid suffer, I couldn’t keep my mouth shut any longer.
Oh and as I was leaving S said “when you finish your food, you can get your phone back.”
S later asked E why I left and it led to a conversation between E and I. He refuses to be in the middle, to pick a side. I don’t blame him. But I’m worried for our future. What will our kids look like? How will his parenting style be? How can we do this together? He refuses to answer any of these questions regarding our kids too. Which makes it harder to gage what the future will hold. He doesn’t want to answer me because it will ultimately be picking a side.
E talked to J about it briefly. But all J said was “I know my child better than anyone. She’s manipulative.”
How do I handle this situation? I feel like I can’t just stand by anymore and watch.
Other details. In August their lease will be up and E and I have already discussed moving out together, just us. Do I just have to ignore this situation until then?
Oh also my boyfriend was exposed to Covid-19 and we are under quarantine until April 8th so I can’t just go back to my moms house and risk getting them sick.
Also if you haven’t noticed already I’m awful at communicating and confrontation. And I am a very emotional person. I know for sure J won’t listen to anything I have to say. Even when E says something passive about her parenting she gets mad, starts yelling or gives him the silent treatment.
Help.
TL;DR
My boyfriends sister is awful at parenting and I don’t know if I can just sit by and watch anymore.
Background on me: I don’t have kids. But I love kids. In my elementary school year book it asks “what do you want to be when you grow up?” My answer “mom.” Basically I’ve known I’ve wanted kids since I was very young and that’s stuck with me. I also enjoy ready parenting books just for fun.
I’ve done a lot of babysitting and have a lot of close extended family. I’m the eldest grandchild (by at least 8 years) out of 8, ranging from 25-2 years old, just on my moms side. We typically all go away together at least once a year and spend most holidays and birthdays together.
I have one sister [18F]. My parents divorced when I was in middle school. Up until that point my mom was a stay-at-home-mom. My family is middle-class, white American, who owns a house in a decent neighborhood, in one of the highest cost of living states.
Background on E, and his family: He is first generation American. Both his parents were born in Guatemala and came here in their early 20’s to start a family of their own.
We live with his older sister J [26F], niece R [5F], half sister N [13F] and his mom S [late 40’sF]. His parents are also divorced. His dad is really amazing and treats his half sister, N, like his own child. Both his parents always worked.
Aside from this portion of his family, my boyfriend doesn’t talk to many other family members. They are a working class Spanish family, who rent a 3 “bedroom” apartment with 6 people living in it.
Now obviously we’ve had VERY different upbringings. Very different childhoods etc.
J is a single mother. She works full time and makes more money than my parents ever did growing up, still probably even more than my dad makes now. But she also is careless with money. She has significantly racked up tons of credit card debt. She’s always borrowing from her dad or my boyfriend. But she always pays it back.
Anyway, this is where things get complicated, J forces her little sister N to watch R. J has done this since before E and I were together. So a 10 year old was in charge of a 2-3 year old! Home alone by themselves. J always claimed she didn’t have enough money to pay a sitter. Even now, she hardly pays N for her time. Usually paying her in take out food, or basic necessities ie. pads, face wash, or other grocery items. And N doesn’t have a choice, if they don’t have school, too bad you must watch your niece. This is actually a form of abuse called Parentification towards N.
Also J tends to leave R with N not just while at work, but also to go out with friends and spend time with her boyfriend. She does this quite frequently. Most nights she doesn’t even spend at home, she is usually at her BF’s house and comes to get R in time for school.
Another parenting tactic she uses is screaming. I hear J scream more than she actually talks to R. Now obviously R doesn’t listen. And I get it you’re at your breaking point. It’s allowed sometimes. But all the time? Maybe if the kid actually had adult supervision and proper care she’d have better life skills and actually pick up her toys when you ask her to clean up. Or maybe if she had more play time, then screen time she’d have less energy at night and actually go to bed.
And it’s now effecting the way R acts and plays. I’ve seen R scream at toys to “go to sleep!” “Close your eyes! It’s bed time” when she’s playing with dolls. Even at school R doesn’t listen. J is constantly getting calls from her teacher.
They’ve actually set up a sticker system together to “combat” her behavior. But it’s not enough when no one is around to discipline R properly. And when she does try to discipline its “I asked you to clean up your toys 5x’s already im throwing them out.” Which creates even a worse temper tantrum. Or “if you don’t do this we aren’t going to do this.” But hey guess what they have to do that thing no matter what so even if she doesn’t listen it doesn’t matter, you’re teaching her no matter what I do I’ll still be able to do what I want.
Or even worse J will just leave R at home, you know for N to watch. So now a 13 year old has to deal with a scream crying 5 year old amidst a temper tantrum.
Another thing that I strongly disagree with, they force R to eat. Now I’m not says they force Brussel sprouts down her throat. But they make her to eat adult sized portions of fried chicken or macaroni and cheese.
I don’t think this kid has ever seen a vegetable in her life. She’s not allowed to do anything until she finishes her plate.
She’s 5 years old and she’s over weight! Now I’m not talking tremendously. But enough for the doctor to say something.
And all this kid eats is sweets and junk food. Cookies, chips, fried food, cereal etc. She’s never going to know when she’s supposed to eat because she’s hungry. She’s going to have so many eating disorders when she’s older.
Both E and J are over weight. It’s probably because they were also forced to eat like this.
-> Now yesterday is when I snapped. N and R were fighting and screaming yesterday. I told E he should do something about it, calmly. He tried to go in diplomatically, but it ends up in more screaming and fighting. I made a comment along the lines of “what happened to calm?” So he came back and said “you try, if think you can do better than.”
So I went in and I talked to R. I asked her what happened calmly. She was crying so I told her to take 5 minutes since she is 5 years old to calm down so we can talk. I left her room, took a quick shower and came back.
She had calmed down enough I could understand her but talked minimally. I asked her what happened. Between both stories it seemed N asked R what she wanted to eat. R said “Chinese food.” N said “we aren’t ordering food, what do you want from in the house? Mac and cheese?” R got rude with N, so N took away her phone.
So I asked R “are you hungry?” She said no. I said “okay. Then you have to tell N no thank you, I’m not hungry. And you have to apologize, say your sorry, for hurting her feelings and then you can get your phone back.” I tried using empathy so she knows why, and what she did wrong. All R kept saying was “I want my phone back” I repeated myself and made it clear. She refused to say anything more than “I want my phone back”. So I told her “this is the only way you can get your phone back. I’ll give you some more time. I’ll be in the other room if you want me to go with you to talk to N.”
A little bit later I go in again and talk to her, same conversation. But now she’s a little more responsive shaking her head yes and no. Finally she shakes her head yes to go talk to N, when S barges in the room and yells at her to eat now! I tell S, “R is not hungry right now.” S then proceeds to physical start moving R off her bed to bring her to the table. R starts screaming again.
And that’s when I lost it. I stormed out of the house shaking in rage. I drove for hours. I was furious. I just spent the better part of the hour trying to calm R down and get her to apologize for her actions and she was about to do it. Everything I’ve just accomplished gone. Back to square one. I’ve stood by for so long watching this poor kid suffer, I couldn’t keep my mouth shut any longer.
Oh and as I was leaving S said “when you finish your food, you can get your phone back.”
S later asked E why I left and it led to a conversation between E and I. He refuses to be in the middle, to pick a side. I don’t blame him. But I’m worried for our future. What will our kids look like? How will his parenting style be? How can we do this together? He refuses to answer any of these questions regarding our kids too. Which makes it harder to gage what the future will hold. He doesn’t want to answer me because it will ultimately be picking a side.
E talked to J about it briefly. But all J said was “I know my child better than anyone. She’s manipulative.”
How do I handle this situation? I feel like I can’t just stand by anymore and watch.
Other details. In August their lease will be up and E and I have already discussed moving out together, just us. Do I just have to ignore this situation until then?
Oh also my boyfriend was exposed to Covid-19 and we are under quarantine until April 8th so I can’t just go back to my moms house and risk getting them sick.
Also if you haven’t noticed already I’m awful at communicating and confrontation. And I am a very emotional person. I know for sure J won’t listen to anything I have to say. Even when E says something passive about her parenting she gets mad, starts yelling or gives him the silent treatment.
Help.
TL;DR
My boyfriends sister is awful at parenting and I don’t know if I can just sit by and watch anymore.