I need to know if I’m being unreasonable

[agapeos1080]

My (28f) ex (37m) has a girlfriend (idkf) who has been with him since he has had visitation of my daughter (5f), which is about 3.5 years. In the last 8-9 months I feel she has been significantly overstepping, and I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.

For context, my ex has the right of first refusal after my mother. A few months ago my ex’s girlfriend texted me asking about how much time she spends with my mom, because it seems like she’s with my mom a lot, etc. Now, I live with my mom. My mom watches my daughter while I work. 2 years ago we switched to a schedule where my ex had her on the weekends because I was a server and I worked on the weekends. Last year, I got a regular 9-5 job and we maintained the same schedule because it’s the only time he has off. Thus, my mom watches my daughter during the daytime, when she’s not at school. I don’t feel it was her place to be asking me anything. If my ex has concerns, he can come and ask me himself, but regardless he doesn’t have the right to demand time with her when A) our visitation is built around his work schedule, he couldn’t take her during the day either way and B) he has the right of first refusal after my mother.

I have the right of first refusal after him, but I still allow him to leave my daughter with his girlfriend from time to time if he has to go into work early on the days I pick her up, or if he’s getting off late on the days she goes to his house. I think I have been very cool up and until now about his girlfriend. She is the one who decided my daughter had to move to her own room at their house a couple years ago, which my daughter was upset about, and I said nothing because it’s their house, their dynamic. She implemented time outs, which I don’t agree with, but again I said nothing because it’s their house and their dynamic.

This week, I found a list of emergency numbers in my daughter’s backpack. This is redundant because obviously the school has emergency numbers, but her name was above mine. Obviously her handwriting. I haven’t said anything to my ex, but I need to know if I’m being ridiculous for being upset about this. I feel like she is constantly overstepping and I need to set a boundary

 

[stefana]

@agapeos1080 I would ignore the question about how much she's with grandma. Seriously, not even a word to acknowledge the question.

I'd throw away the emergency number sheet. I would add gf to the approved pick up list if she isn't on it.
I'd make sure to have gf phone number listed as well. 1. Mom 2. Dad 3. Grandma 4. Gf

 

[tms7981]

@stefana Agree with the first paragraph, wouldn't necessarily throw away the emergency numbers sheet as there may be a valid reason for that that you are not aware of and, even if there isn't, it can't really cause any harm if the school already has this info. Throwing it away could also be seen as passive aggressive which could cause unnecessary conflict (especially since we don't know if anything is meant by her name being above OPs - when I write a list with my name on it often mine is first just because it's what I think of first). I would just ignore it and make sure everyone appropriate is on the pick up list.

 

[heavensvoice]

@tms7981 If there is a valid reason OP should be aware of it. A random hand written note in a child’s backpack with no explanation is totally weird and inappropriate.

 

[agapeos1080]

@tms7981 The school has an emergency contact list, I have no idea why she put a random one in her backpack. Especially because that’s not where the teachers would look, they’re not even allowed to go through the kids’ things. It was just odd to me, but I appreciate the perspective. It is possible it was just a reflex to put her name above mine, it just rubbed me the wrong way after her other behavior, which I have ignored. I was afraid that by continuing to ignore stuff like that it might escalate further, but it’s a fair assessment. Thank you!

 

[agapeos1080]

@stefana I just don’t really see the point in her being on the pickup list or the EC list. Myself, her dad, and my mother are on there. It’s not like my boyfriend is on there, and he’s been around since my daughter was born so if either of our significant others had some type of reason to be on there, it would be him, as he’s been around for way longer. It seems stupid to me that I have to entertain his girlfriend when my boyfriend manages to stay in his lane lol

 

[heavensvoice]

@agapeos1080 You have the other adult in your home on it, so it would make sense that the other adult living in his home is on it. The more people the better incase there was an actual emergency and for some reason no one on your list was reachable.

 

[agapeos1080]

@heavensvoice He comes before my mom. His girlfriend works an hour away and so does he, whereas my mother and I live right down the street and my mother stays home with my daughter during the day. My grandmother also lives in my house and my brothers live five minutes from school.

If there is an emergency, legally his girlfriend cannot allow any medical treatment she may need. Calling his girlfriend before me could prevent my daughter from getting any urgent care she may need.

 

[heavensvoice]

@agapeos1080 Your mother can’t allow medical treatment either. I’m not saying she should be #1 on your list, but if they can’t get a hold of you or your ex if they called her she could get a hold of one of you while they focus on the emergency.

I totally disagree with what she did, but it would hurt no one to put her on the list. She is a big part of your child’s life.

 

[agapeos1080]

@heavensvoice My mother has the right to make medical decisions, it’s in our custody order. Before my ex came back in her life, my mother was essentially her other parent. I made it clear in the custody order that my mom retained rights of her own so that if something were to happen to me, my daughter would be able to be with my mom.

 

[stefana]

@agapeos1080 Because each parent deserves a back up person that isn't their ex.

 

[agapeos1080]

@stefana He has his mom and I have mine.

 

[stefana]

@agapeos1080 Honestly, it's been years. They would have to make it through 3 other people before they got to gf on the call list. To me its not worth the battle.

And not allowing partners on the pickup list after 3 years is controlling.

 

[agapeos1080]

@stefana I mean, it’s irrelevant ultimately. They ask for three people at the school, they have three people. My question is whether or not I have a right to be upset about her behavior. Most people in my life say I do, but obviously they’re a little bias.

I guess I just expect the same respect I pay him. If my boyfriend has an issue with him, I handle it between my boyfriend and I or between my ex and I. I just don’t find it appropriate for my SO to be doling out discipline, or airing grievances with my ex. Maybe it’s just me though.

 

[cfa]

@agapeos1080 Yes, it is irrelevant so it should not be something you should be concerned about. Just let it go. He can put whoever he wants as his backup person and you can have whoever you want as your backup person. Trying to control how the other parent runs their household is not going to help anyone, especially your child.

 

[agapeos1080]

@cfa Yeah I’m definitely not trying to control anything in his household. I think it’s disrespectful that she put her name above mine on their random list that they put in her backpack lol the administration at the school has the contact list with me and her dad. Neither of us get “a backup person”

 

[gentleaura]

@agapeos1080 We as humans have the right to feel/have any emotion. If you are attempting to see if your emotions are valid in the scenario, they are. Emotions are always valid.

The questions or concern should always be, “I feel X, what is the appropriate way to act on this emotion”.

my coparent’s girlfriend hasn’t gotten involved in partnering ‘things’ yet (at least not that I am aware of), so I can’t really give a great perspective or relate to that.

I would like to think though, in that scenario, I would invite us all to have a meeting — maybe get coffee at a local cafe, to discuss how the co-parenting model should work going forward.

My co-parents ex-girlfriend was heavily involved in parenting my son, but they lived together, and she had 2 children of her own. That annoyed the crap out of me, but at that time my coparent and I were still in an ongoing divorce…

 

[agapeos1080]

@gentleaura Thank you for that insight. I think it may be beneficial for me to talk to the both of them now that you mention it.

 

[stefana]

@agapeos1080 A. It's up to your ex to declare what she can and can't do as far as discipline. Maybe they talked as a couple and she's just supporting his decisions.
I personally didn't like my kids sleeping in my room either, they have their own.

B. Yes I prefer to speak to my ex directly. Thus I said ignore his gf question. She'll get the hint.

C. Sounds like this lady may be around for a few more years. You can psychoanalyze and be annoyed at every little thing she does or you can just let it go and happily live your own life.

Your ex isn't going to parent the exact same way you do. Your little princess will survive. However, you can make it hard for your daughter by being constantly annoyed with her dad's house.

 

[agapeos1080]

@stefana Woah, I never said I was annoyed. I said in the post I said nothing because it’s his house and I respect that. All I asked was if I had a right to be upset about this one specific instance, that’s all. I’m really not annoyed with them, I respect that they do things differently at their house and I never have said anything about that. It seems to me like her behavior is escalating and I want to know if I’m right to be upset and set a boundary.