I had to listen to my SiLs baby CIO over the holidays

[kristyrh]

And it absolutely solidified my reasoning and belief that a baby should never, ever, be left alone to cry in a dark, unfamiliar room for hours.

My nephew is about 20 months old. My SiL and her husband seem to be absolutely clueless on his cues with anything and would put him down to sleep when he wasn't even close to being tired.

Example: they let the baby have a nap for almost 4 hours, woke him at 4pm and then laid him down to sleep at 7:30pm. He wasn't tired at all. You could tell he was just as energetic as ever.They laid him in the pack n play and let him scream. Not just cry. I'm talking that poor baby screamed for almost 2 hours before he literally just probably shut down and went to sleep. They just let him. The entire house heard him. They did this almost every day for a week and kept insisting that they don't know why he wouldn't sleep.

They did this for naps too. And it just seemed to be getting to a point where the poor baby was just terrified of going to sleep so he'd scream and scream.

In their defense, I guess? They both work full time and their baby is in daycare 40+ hours a week, and has been since he was about 6 months old. On weekends they often hire a nanny or babysitter. No hate on daycare at all, I just feel like they, personally, have not really been super into trying to understand his needs.This vacation was the most time they've ever spent with him in a long time, so I can imagine they can be having problems with reading his cues.

I offered to help, and even other family members offered advice, stories, etc including myself but they refused and said he just needed to learn to "be more independent" because more often than not he ends up in their bed in the middle of the night and they hate it. Even my MiL was getting visibly upset and said something multiple times about how they need to do something other than letting him scream.

Anyway, it broke my heart and I'm 32 weeks pregnant so call it hormones or whatever but I had to sit outside at one point because the screaming was ripping me apart. It wasn't like a toddler tantrum scream, it was the "I'm scared, mom and dad!" Scream and the next morning he could barely talk his voice was so hoarse.

That's my holiday rant. I keep thinking about him now at home and wonder if they're still making him scream every night. I wish I could scoop him up and hug him.

 

[crocodilehuricane]

@kristyrh I’m a bit unclear what this group’s rules are on discussing other people’s parenting practices, but omg I need a place to debrief….

I’ve never actually had to listen to it, just hear about it, and it breaks my heart.

My SIL lets her 16 month old CIO all night when he’s teething. She says “I give him pain relief, I give him a dummy, I’ve given him everything, so I just close both doors”

What about giving the terrified kid who is all alone in pain a cuddle??

 

[deavallsbabe]

@crocodilehuricane when they say “baby has a full belly, clean diaper, safe shelter so let them CIO” it grinds my gears. it’s a special level of stupid to completely disregard that a baby (especially a human one) may have emotional needs.

 

[crocodilehuricane]

@deavallsbabe I know right! It’s freaky how people can be so removed from what is so obvious. Physical comfort is so clearly a basic need, particularly for non verbal babies!

If someone came home and their partner was on the couch crying would they say “they’re housed, they’re clean, they’re fed” and just ignore them? Even if my partner cried at home for months because something was going on, I’d be there for them every single night and surely anyone but a neglectful partner would. So why do some people expect more from babies?

I wish I could have this conversation with my SIL but even when I try softly softly she is mega judgey, stuck in her ways and mean and interprets it as a competition between our kids rather than an interesting opportunity to discuss parenthood….

 

[sweettea]

@deavallsbabe My parents apparently did this and it's one of the main reasons I will never let my own daughter CIO - it just breaks my heart when she cries. Crying is communication

 

[paigerific87]

@deavallsbabe This makes me crazy too. To say that all your needs are met because you’re not hungry or thirsty or dirty or in imminent danger (but how would a baby know that anyway) is so insane. I feel like some people decide that emotional needs only count once a kid is old enough to talk or express them but this discounts that babies are also people who experience human feelings.

 

[singbassman]

@deavallsbabe I will say though... My mental health TANKED after having my LO and there were a couple times I had to put him down and let him cry for like 5, 10 minutes so I could regroup. He was a very screamy newborn. But I don't know if that's CIO. I didn't go longer than ten minutes, actually I probably didn't even last that long...

 

[anceadcathach]

@singbassman This is not the same as CIO (like OP is sharing about). There are absolutely times when it's best to set baby down in a safe space for a few minutes so you can regulate yourself in order to take care of your baby safely!