I fucked up

[glorfindel8]

So here it goes, I'll keep this short and to the point, answering any questions you may have about my situation.

A little about myself. I am 21 y/o male currently studying geography minor in G.I.S. and have 2 more years of school to complete. Been dating this beautiful and amazing girl for 6-7 months now. Found out she was pregnant 2 months ago and I told her my honest truth. I was not ready to be a father, neither of us were, and that since we had found out early(4 weeks) that we consider taking the pill and getting an abortion.

Fast forward to present day. She decided she could not go through with that, however her parents are going to support her. Problem is, I don't have that level of support. My parents have asked me to leave the house and move to Vancouver for my education. They are helping me finish school but they no longer want me staying at home, for fear that I will be distracted with her and the baby and won't finish my school, which I can see happening.

I made the decision to come here and finish school not because I wanted to run away, but because I wanted to be a father that would be present in the future and financial stable. The industry is good for G.I.S. workers and job prospect is very high. I had the choice to stay with her but I am scared that this would ruin things fast similar to how moving in too quick ruins relationships and make things worse.

I was in a catch 22, and I decided to go through with my parents offer and finish my degree in another country. I'll be coming back for delivery, hoping to see a baby that can motivate me to finish earlier, but I honestly don't know If I made a good decision. I feel as though this will be good in the long run, as I will be able to support myself and this baby in the future, but I do feel as though I am missing out on some great times.

I know that I fucked up, but I'm trying to make the best out of this shitty situation. I tried being as careful as I could be, but even 1 slip up is all you need to create a baby. Help me with your advice and please be sincere. I am in no way trying to be a bad father, I am only trying to do the best in a very shitty situation.

 

[s43229]

@glorfindel8 Hey man, this is a tough scenario but it sounds like you a bringing the right attitude to the table, trying to think about what will be best for you, your SO and your future baby.

There are no rights and wrongs here - you will need to make your own decisions and experience the good and bad that comes with them. But if there is specific advice you are looking for feel free to be more specific what it is we can let you know.

We support you in this journey - it is something you can do, and if you place your SO and your child first and foremost you will do a great job.

Like I said please let us know if there are specific things that we can help you with and know that we are here as a support anytime you need.

 

[glorfindel8]

@s43229 should i be there and support her or focus on myself so this kid can have a better life?

 

[s43229]

@glorfindel8 Some would say stay with her and drop Uni - others would argue you'd be better set finishing Uni.

Like I said - there is actually no right or wrong here, people will have opinions but that doesn't mean there is a clear choice. It sounds like you are more leaning towards the finishing school idea?

An important consideration is that there will be people who disagree with whatever choice you make; therefore know that you will need to own your choice. Don't deceive yourself thinking that you have let other people make your decision for you - even if you are influenced by others; you pull the trigger - own that choice, it is yours.

I would suggested an important question is what does you SO want. I would say that you are a family unit and I believe that families make decision together. But that is just that my spin on things.

 

[novis]

@glorfindel8 First, sorry about the situation, its a tough thing I'm sure.

Like genuine points out, there is no black and white here is what you should do answer.

It does seem like you want to be in the child's life, which is a great start. You are also talking like you've got a good head on your shoulders, you're just looking for outside wisdom... also a great start.

Got to reiterate genuine's point about the SO. Have you talked with the mother? If you're going to make this work, not even with the mother but with the child you are going to want to have at least a working relationship with the mom. I would suggest talking to her and get her input. Apologize for leaving and let her know why you did it and what you're struggling with and then talk.

The great thing about modern education is it will wait. If you decide to go back to have this conversation (which I, personally, would highly recommend) then spend free time learning Python, JavaScript and then start with some simple data base skills (maybe try Derby to get started). There are tutorials, for free, all over the internet which will make uni, if you end up there, much easier.

Good luck.

EDIT: Wanted to add Java to the mix. There's so much info out there on it and so many people are using it it would be a mistake not to have at least some basic skills in the language.

 

[glorfindel8]

@novis We have. We are still communicating and we may have our bad days, we're getting to deal with this together, all of what you said has been talked about and we are continuing to work things out day by day.

I will look into this right now. Hopefully there is online tools I can use to learn all about this. Schools already started out here and I can't get in unfortunately. If you have any helpful links for new beginner, that would help tremendously, since this is something I have no idea where to start.

 

[novis]

@glorfindel8 /r/java /r/Python /r/javascript /r/programming are all good starting places.

They'll have more resources in their side bars too. And a search on those reddits for 'beginner' or 'getting started' will turn up some really good links.

Also checkout Google U - https://developers.google.com/university/courses/
Khan Academy is ok - https://www.khanacademy.org/cs
There are several others but that should give you a good start.

 

[glorfindel8]

@s43229 Listen, heres' what gets me and i'm having second doubts about her character. I generally feel a lack of respect for what she did.

We had the whole "if" conversation a few months before and both of us came to an agreement that we were not ready to have kids and if she did become pregnant, she would just take the abortion pill. We found out early too, as careful as I was, I fucked up by listening to her "birth calendar" and had sex when she was off her menstruation cycle. Apparently that was bullshit. So we find out 3 weeks later, get the appointment at 4 weeks in and she decides not to take the pill. Not fair at all, but what do I do guys? I mean, I feel like I lost a lot of trust when she did that, and she did lie to me. Also, she knew what would happen to me if she kept it, that I would be sent away and not be able to care for the kid. Incredibly selfish if you ask me.

Regardless though, she's having the kid, I still have strong feelings for her, but I'm afraid I did lose a lot of trust and respect from her.

 

[phillipaustralia]

@glorfindel8 GIS analyst here. To increase your marketability, work on learning python, a bit of JavaScript, and database skills. Feel free to pm me with any questions you may have in the field. I'd love to help any way I can.

 

[glorfindel8]

@phillipaustralia Wow how awesome, and congrats to your boy coming soon. Okay so I'm very serious and might have a lot of questions to ask you. Can I run by them with you? I don't want to pester you, maybe a subreddit would help but I seriously want to get into GIS and have no one to talk too about it. I'll pm you all the questions I have. THANK YOU SASQUATCH!

 

[phillipaustralia]

@glorfindel8 Ask away! I don't mind one bit.

 

[waldytms]

@glorfindel8 It sounds like your head and heart are in the right place. Its a shitty situation but There's no situation so bad that you can't make it worse. And not finishing college would make it worse.

It's going to be tough for a while but it sounds like it will all work out in the end. Every man I'm sure has that feeling like they're not ready to be a father, don't worry, you will be when the time comes.
Oh yeah, Also, she's going to go a little crazy, possibly freak out on you, take it out on you. It's hormones, look at the big picture and just be there for her as much as possible while focusing on finishing school.

 

[katrina2017]

@glorfindel8 Think about the long term solution. I'm assuming that going to Vancouver will end your relationship with your SO. Finishing your education will mean you can provide for your child in the long run even if you and Mom aren't together. Pay child support and figure out how to work out a partial custody deal with Mom (check state family law to see if or when you lose your rights to see your child). From your post, it looks like she has a good support system while you are away at school.

Edit: Get a custody agreement now, while you are still on good terms with her. You'll probably need a lawyer so ask your parents for help. Use the "If you want to see your grandchild..." angle with them.

 

[g%C3%A5%C2%A3g%C3%B6t%D0%82%C3%A3]

@glorfindel8 My 2c is focus on continuing to foster and build a strong relationship with your SO as well. The pursuit of this should figure largely in whatever decision you come to. As much if not more than being there for, and supporting the kid.

Think of your relationship as the sun, the brighter that shines (love) and the stronger the pull (commitment), the closer and better off your kids will be. Revolving around that beautiful example of love, enables them to become positive examples to others moving forward, so be sure to focus on that!

... and yes my analogy is probably cheesy but it's the best way I can articulate my philosophy/advice on the topic