I feel like I'm exhausted and out of my depth here

[jal11180]

FTM, with nine-day old son. It was an emergency C-section, as my bp shot up to 200/100. I was exactly 37 weeks along. My husband travelled 18 hours to where we were, and managed to arrive within the first 24 hours of life.

I had to stay longer in the maternity ward due to my bp. Hubby and I are total newbies with this parenting thing, with neither of us holding an infant before in our lives. While I was there in the ward, my milk supply was low and we had to supplement with milk from the milk bank. Pedia comes along, and tells me, your job is to breastfeed, breastfeed, breastfeed. Somehow, maybe she didn't mean it, but I felt totally inadequate providing sustenance for my child. Hubby bought a breast pump, and we promised to use it at home.

My supply increased when we got home. But the cycle of feeding, diaper changing and trying to live put a toll on the both of us. We were both very exhausted. I ended up lying in bed and feeding him there, with him beside me, as I couldn't keep myself awake feeding him. My back and arms ached so much.

A couple of days after getting home, my blood pressure went up again. We had no choice but to bring the baby along to the hospital. While I was hooked to an ECG machine, my husband had to comfort our crying baby. Kindly people in the waiting area went round and offered help and tips.

I was admitted and couldn't get to the maternity ward, as the issue was my bp.

The first night we didn't even have a bassinet. I kept asking the night nurse and he said that all the bassinets were taken. The next day a kindly nurse assistant went by to change the sheets. She saw the baby and we got to talking. She had herself just came out of maternity leave and had a four-month old. She saw me nursing the baby sideways, and she asked, concerned, if my pedia was okay with it because it might cause aspiration. I took it to mind. She was kind enough to help make sure we get that bassinet.

During the morning, I noticed that my baby was a little hoarse and sometimes had this whistling sound when he breathed. I texted the pedia and asked if we could take him to see her. She said she had no clinic as it was a holiday, and advised to take the baby to the ER.

My husband did so, and he talked with the residents and nurses there. The doctor said that it could be from milk getting to where it shouldn't. Aha, those times I fed him lying down. Also those times that we didn't burp him! Yes, we can't bring decent burps out of our baby. We keep trying but that satisfying belch of gas was not really heard. The doctor was suggesting that they take an x-ray, and my husband declined. The baby actually felt better when exposed to the heating lamp. It could might as well be that my room in the hospital was too for him. Besides, we could see his pedia the next day.

My husband bought more clothes and swaddles for warming him up. I still couldn't sleep, watching my baby obsessively, my heart breaking every time I would hear that dry raspy sound from his breathing. It wasn't all the time, but enough to keep me on edge.

My husband has been my rock in all this. I'm growing weaker, failing to comfort my baby when he cried today. I'm asking myself why, all of a sudden, I couldn't make him stop crying. It was so frustrating. All I want to do is hold my husband and just let it out.

I want to burp him but I still couldn't. Nothing but weak hissing sounds.

I feel like I'm a very bad mom. I feel like I'm making my "very, very, very healthy boy" at birth (pedia's words) weak and sick. It's 3 am. I'm too scared to face the day.

TL;DR I feel like I'm failing this role I'm in. I'm tired and frustrated. I think I am making my baby get sick.

Just wanted to let it out of my chest. Please tell me I'm not alone.

 

[saved_by_grace82]

@jal11180 Hey there.

I'm a first time father. My wife had our twin girls about 5 months ago, where we spent about 6 weeks in the NICU.

I won't go over our story too much, but I can say you are not a bad mother. I can tell you care very deeply for your baby and are trying your absolute best. I probably wont be able to say anything to fix the stress and guilt you are feeling, but I will tell you what others told me when I posted about my doubts and fears on reddit: you are not alone, these times are so incredibly difficult, but they will pass. I promise you that things get better with enough time passing. The amount of time required varies from parent to parent, but I swear it will get better.

You are not the first parent to feel this way, and you will be in my position in a few months looking back on these tough times, hopefully writing a similar message to someone else going through it all in their own time.

Stay strong. Survive however you need too. For whatever it's worth, you have at least one stranger from the internet hoping the best for you, but I'm sure I'm not the only one

 

[mark1111]

@jal11180 FTM of a 3 month old here. I also had an unplanned C-section. C-section recovery is total hell!! I felt about 80% better by week 2 and almost normal by week 3. Your body is recovering! Your main goals of the first several weeks are to heal, breastfeed / feed your baby, and hopefully brush your teeth. That’s about it! Your baby will learn to eat more efficiently. You and husband will be able to be more on auto-pilot for diaper changes and things. Your confidence will grow. Your baby will get stronger, like better head control.

Then around week 6 something amazing will happen. Your baby will smile. Your heart will melt, and suddenly this all doesn’t seem so bad. Remember, babies don’t keep. Your LO will never be this tiny again. Snuggle and love on that baby as much as you can.

By the way, have you seen the side-laying or laid back breastfeed positions? Both are laying down. I definitely used laid back when I just couldn’t get up.

The newborn phase is hard, mama. The first 6-8 weeks will tear you down to build you up anew: as a mother. This is a time of incredible transformation. Be kind to yourself as you figure things out.

 

[katrina2017]

@jal11180 Yeah you’re doing great already, pro tip...shit moms don’t care about being shit!
You’re worried and stressing out because you’re terrified of failing this fragile little person that relies on you, this is a great sign of your love for your baby and the fact you are scared and want to be better shows you will.
This gets easier but is still scary as hell, you’re going through the hardest part right now. Good luck and trust it gets easier.

Edit...spelling

 

[solo81]

@jal11180 You are currently in what is probably, and might always be, the most challenging time of your life. Look around yourself: you’re here. You don’t need to be afraid of it anymore, because you can see that you are in it and you are surviving. Physically, hormonally, mentally, and emotionally, everything is just about as difficult as it can possibly be. You’re not out of your depth, you’re competing in life at the ultra-Olympic level.

I’m at the tail end of the newborn phase, so I will give you the advice I always hated to hear but turned out to be true: This too will pass.

Sometime in the next few weeks the pain will pass from your body, breastfeeding will either work out or you will find another completely healthy and beneficial way to feed your child, and they will grow from this tiny helpless creature into and slightly larger and stronger creature.

But right now, it seems impossible. That’s because it almost is. But look at you! You’re doing it! Every day you do what you need to do heal your body and support this new little body that depends on you.

Here’s the advice that no one gave me but I found to be the most helpful: don’t think about the future beyond the next hour. In those first few days everything would feel so impossible to me that I would start mentally spinning out. So I would just think about what I needed to do in the next hour. The next hour was always manageable. You live in these one hour increments now, but someday soon you won’t. You won’t know when that day will be, except that it will probably be sooner than expected, and you won’t even notice it when it arrives.

 

[katybug12]

@jal11180 Those first few weeks are HARD. Even without having had a caesarean. Exhaustion and feeling out of your depth are feelings every first time mother feels. You are not alone.

Your baby is still very very very healthy. He sounds like my daughter when she was newborn, we couldn't get a burp up ever, but my husband eventually became the burp master by using a gentle bounce with his supporting arm while patting her on the back.

Google helped a lot for me, sometimes reading the same questions and concerns from other mothers makes you feel less singular in your experience.

 

[maggiem8gs]

@jal11180 My little one had a dry raspy cry the first few days- turns out it was a milk supply problem and she was dehydrated. She was also losing more weight than the nurse was comfortable with, but not so bad that we had to take immediate action. I Started pumping and bottle feeding cuz I realized it was more important to feed her then keep trying to breastfeed, and she started gaining weight and having lots of wet diapers and things really turned around (not saying that is what is going on here- just wanted to relate my story).

Of course she still cried, like all newborns, and there are times you can do all the tricks to comfort them and nothing works. It’s heartbreaking. And the mom guilt makes you feel like you are doing something wrong - when you aren’t.

Hang in there! I promise it gets so much better

 

[starwarsdude]

@jal11180 You are doing great! Iv never heard of feeding lying down being a problem lots of people co sleep safely also not all bf babies need winding my first daughter never needed winding once unlike my now 5month old. If u can get through the first few weeks of breast feeding u won't look back it gets a lot easier. In er did they not give any other reason for the breathing? Also is he having lots of wet and dirty nappys?

 

[mark1111]

@jal11180 Posting again, because I wanted to let you know there’s probably a due date subreddit out there you can join. I’m in the November 2019 bumpers group, and it’s nice to chat with ladies in the same stage as you. You can probably message the mods to get added, the subs are usually private.

 

[mark1111]

@catholics_r_christians Exactly. When I was pregnant last year, I joined r/november2019bumpers. We’re no longer bumping , but the group has stayed relatively active after baby was born. We commiserate, celebrate, and share lots of info. This help says you can message the sub to contact the mods.

I also like r/beyondthebump, r/mommit.

 

[therealtrent]

@jal11180 It is definitely hard the first weeks and it will still be hard now and then. It’s good that you talk / write about it. Talk about this feeling to your doctor just to make sure you get the right support.
You are doing great just by questioning yourself! We are all clueless about being a mum until we’re not anymore the journey is hard but we will think of it as a treat later on! Keep being strong, you 3 will get there

 

[catholics_r_christians]

@jal11180 My LO is now 3 months old but I am a FTM who was scared and 100% feeling out of my depth. Everyone said the hormones would drop and “the first couple weeks” are tough.
I cried seemingly non-stop for over a month.
Transitioning to a parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s scary and overwhelming and the lack of sleep amplifies it all. Add to the fact that when things go wrong (and they do) it’s terrifying and disheartening.

I wanted to tell you that my son has always had a “phlegm” type problem after he BF. My ped and google say that either my letdown is forceful and is spraying his vocal chords, or he just produces more mucous than other babies. Both are not harmful and it just sounds horrible.

The first few nights home I couldn’t sleep I was so worried he wasn’t getting air. I also couldn’t burp him for the life of me.

Hang in there mama. You’re already doing the hardest thing. I promise it gets easier.

 

[barryjones123]

@jal11180 Stay strong mama!!! Sending you well wishes and peace. You got this. I believe in you!

 

[mark1111]

@jal11180 I probably seem like a crazy person posting a third time, but I feel so sad for you and I remembered something else. When I was in the hospital after my C-section, they had me breastfeed using the football hold. They put a stack of pillows next to me and baby on top. That way he was supported mainly by the pillows and I used my arm mostly for positioning. I hope that helps. Good luck to you. Wishing you a smooth recovery. Hugs.

Also check out KellyMom.com for BF resources.

 

[scripturewinds]

@jal11180 If you are close to your mother or grandmother (or someone else with a lot of experience with kids), maybe you could ask for them to come and show you some 'tricks of the trade'. Also in my country we have 'mother and baby' clinics where they go over some of these things. Maybe your GP knows about them? Failing that, Youtube, google and your public library are all mines of information. They might be a good starting place. I'm just a 'tourist' here (not a mum) - but wish you all the best. I have heard mothering is very hard, but you will get the hang of it

 

[cnme363]

@jal11180 I’m a FTM too. My baby bc was born on feb 18th at 37+1 via planned (well technically early bc it was scheduled for the 21st but I went into labor early) csection. I totally feel everything you mentioned about not feeling adequate. Our son was in the NICU for 3 days for breathing and blood sugar issues. It was so hard to feel like I had failed him by not keeping him in long enough or having GD. Now that we’re home reality has set in. Some moments are amazing. Some make me want to pull my hair out. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to breast feed because of a reduction I had. I ended up being able to produce just fine. About 3 oz per two hours if I pump. I exclusively pumped the first 5 days because he was in the NICU and with all the wires it was impossible to get him to latch. He finally was able to figure it out our second night home. Everything seemed to be going great. Then the cluster feeding started. He will go between 30 minutes to and hour and a half sleeping but then he’s up and fussing/crying for a feed. I’m exhausted and have been allowing my husband to give him some formula because I feel like I’m not keeping up with his demands. It’s exhausting. I’m trying to take things one step at a time. My husband says I’m doing great and he’s proud of me but I wish things were easier right now.

 

[leematthew1234]

@jal11180 You're doing amazing. Seriously, you really are. The first few weeks is just panic mode putting out fires, getting baby and yourself fed is an achievement in these early days. I had emergency section as well and it really messes up your mind and throws your plans out the window, you end up feeling helpless.

If I could offer advice on the burping that they taught me when my daughter was in the nicu - if you look at their upper lip after feeding and its grey/white tinged, they have to burp. Sitting them up is good but I like on the shoulder. Alternate patting and rubbing. Get the nurse to check but you might not be doing it firm enough. Newborns seem to fragile and I was really shocked the "beating" she got by nicu nurses on the back, but the baby didn't seem to mind! Get them to check so you don't go too hard either

It gets better. A lot of babies have mucus in their lungs at first which could be what's up with their breathing. My doctor told me all babies are born with fluid in their lungs but a vaginal birth squishes most of it out! So csection babies can take longer to clear the fluid. You did nothing wrong. ive never heard of side nursing being wrong but do try to nail the burping after to stop them spiting up as much

Also babies make a ton of noise! I can't hear your baby so I can't say for sure, but grunts, whistly breath, snores, hoarse breath can all be pretty normal.

 

[jal11180]

Thanks for all the words of encouragement! I don't think I can articulate how much this means to me, and how much it has comforted me and restored trust in myself. Everyday is still a challenge, but little by little, it gets easier. Thank you.