I feel like I can't move on..

[finallywoken87]

I'll be 12 weeks tomorrow and have been facing some weird emotions this week. Maybe it's the raging hormones idk. We lost our first at 8 weeks with a missed miscarriage. I had no clue anything was wrong which I think made it really hard to accept at first. I'm at peace with the loss, as much as one can be, I guess. But this new pregnancy has been a mind f*&$k. I keep telling myself at each milestone that ok, now I can relax. We saw a heartbeat at 6 weeks again at 8 weeks, again at 9 weeks, yesterday at 11 and 5days. Doctor said everything looks great and my lab work has all been perfect.

I have moments where I'm ok. Where I'm confident my body can do this. But then odd things like planning our gender reveal for this weekend make me feel.....angry? Like how can everyone be so excited, so casually excited about this pregnancy? Is no one else worried this might end too soon? Our nurse yesterday was taking my vitals, making small talk. She asked "is this your first baby?!" I smiled and said yes, but in my head was thinking "if we ever make it that far, sure, this will be our first living baby".

Of course, even if my family and friends were scared, I know they wouldn't tell me that. But I just feel like everyone is SO EXCITED and so confident that we're bringing THIS baby home...except for me. Every cramp, every headache, I'm convinced is the start of the end.

I just want to enjoy my pregnancy and be blissfully unaware of the other possibilities. But I don't know how to get there.

 

[andreytaranov]

@finallywoken87 I just want to say you’re not alone. I’m currently 7 weeks pregnant after a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks. We saw the heartbeat at 8 weeks. Baby had died a few days after the ultrasound. Pregnancy is tainted for me now. As If I dream too much I’ll jinx it. The anxiety sometimes feels like being drowned. I just make it through one day at a time. Be gentle with yourself.

 

[popcronandcandyfloss]

@finallywoken87 After a decade of failure I didn't fully, emotionally accept that my daughter would be born healthy until I literally saw her crying face in the hospital. My husband and I immediately burst into tears.

You can't force yourself not to have a rational fear. You've lost pregnancies before, this is not outside the realm of what's possible. You're not crazy or ungrateful. You're protecting yourself and being realistic. I don't think people who haven't experienced loss can understand at all. But that's ok don't worry about other people just enjoy the days you have with your baby - the kicks and the ultrasounds and updates. You are doing all you can do. Each day of life is a gift. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.

 

[brokenhumbled]

@finallywoken87 Just want to say I completely relate to the anger about everyone being so “excited” and casual. It brings up a rage in me I don’t understand, like good for you that you’re excited but I’m terrified. Hope we both feel better at some point

 

[overcomer9115]

@finallywoken87 I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. My first pregnancy also ended in a MMC at 8 weeks. I am 26 weeks now. All I can offer is that my constant anxiety has improved the further along I've gotten. Now feeling movement is so reassuring. I felt the same way as you at my gender reveal. It's so hard. I just had to keep reminding myself to take it one day at a time. I did my best to enjoy every stage, milestone, and event. Although there was always some lingering anxiety, I've tried to make the most of this time. I hope you can too!

 

[ratluges]

@finallywoken87 You’ve articulated all of the emotions during a pregnancy after a loss really well. I relate to this so much from the unexpected anger to the uncertainty to the being convinced that every cramp is the end. I don’t think any milestone will make me feel better.

I’m sorry you have to go through this and I am wishing you and your baby all the best.