I Feel Like I Am Drowning and I Don’t Know How To Parent My 7 y/o

[ajewelinhiscrown]

I feel like I am failing. I’m doing everything. Kids to school, 2 y/o with me all day, errands, household, everything. Pick kids up, 5 went to an art class, picked up 7 at end of after school club.

Tried to do everything I could to have them enjoy their day. Went home. They wanted to go to the playground. 5 then gives 7 a small toy that belongs to 7 that 5 brought to school. It’s a tiny bit dirty. Instead of letting me clean it like a normal person, 7 has nuclear meltdown.

We get past that. They want to go to the playground. We go. We bring two small boxes to slide down the slide. I flatten the boxes when we get there. 7 has another nuclear meltdown because apparently she wanted to slide in the actual small box as-is but she never told me that. Massive screaming. We should have gone home and stayed home.

We go get more boxes and 7 spends approximately two minutes sliding. I thought everything was ok until about two minutes after that 7 falls on her bike and skins her knee.

I can’t win. She is never happy. Now she has an injury. We go home and my wife eventually comes home. She offers to spend time with the kids and with 7 specifically as they read together and 7 is busy playing with her sister.

Much later 7 wants my wife’s attention and my wife who has been up since 4:00 AM is now exhausted. 7 screams and cries more.

I feel like I am going to collapse. The stress is beyond anything I think any SAHP should have to bear. My wife said I shouldn’t have taken them to the playground and she had said I should probably just go home with them and stay there (this was many hours earlier in the day).

But we’ve had other days where I haven’t taken the kids out to the playground and then in the evening they’re literally bouncing off the walls. I cannot win.

Now I can’t believe how much time and energy my 7 y/o spent screaming and crying. It’s so incredibly exhausting.

And tonight before bed no one brushed their teeth. I’m trying so damn hard every single day and I feel like a complete failure. I feel like I should just give up completely but then all the kids would be completely screwed.

I get kids skin their knees and sometimes don’t brush their teeth, but the screaming and crying and nuclear meltdowns are going to do me in. I don’t know how to have more energy to handle all this.

Ugh.

 

[katrina2017]

@ajewelinhiscrown I am not an American so maybe it's the norm over there, but I think you have enrolled your kids in too many activities (swimming, ballet, school club, multiple playdates). This is why all of you are so exhausted.

I think you should give them a break from activities for a month and teach them to chill at home.

 

[katrina2017]

Not that kids in America aren't over scheduled but OP didn't mention any swimming or ballet or playdates. The 5 & 7 year old went to school. The 5 year old went to art club and the 7 year old went to after school club. Then they went to the playground together. That is a long day and the kid was probably overtired but that isn't necessarily over scheduled.

Did I miss swim and ballet and playdates in the post?

 

[katrina2017]

OP posts on this sub a lot, the other day his wife yelled at him for missing swim class

 

[ajewelinhiscrown]

@katrina2017 You’re right but the swim and ballet is for my 5 y/o and is separate from the after-school clubs which are for my 7 y/o.

 

[katrina2017]

Ah gotcha. I’m terrible at checking usernames.

 

[hariel]

@katrina2017 Yeah as a European this screamed overscheduling to me.

 

[ajewelinhiscrown]

@katrina2017 You’re probably right but all of those are for different kids; the ballet and swim is my 5 y/o and the after-school clubs is my 7 y/o and playdates are here and there sporadically, typically not after school though. Yes we are either eliminating or severely reducing clubs starting next week.

 

[katrina2017]

@ajewelinhiscrown My 7 year old is in a lot of activities but she's our only and she handles it all plus homework and friends time just fine.

When I was growing up with 3 younger siblings, we weren't allowed to do any extra activities until 6th grade. Even then it had to be either on the weekend, an after school activity associated with the school, or the same thing that happens at the same time and place as my siblings. It was too much for my mom to juggle.

 

[s0va]

@katrina2017 I am American, but I lived in Japan for 7 years. There, kids work harder than adults. Once you get to college, you can finally relax and enjoy life. It's the exact opposite of life elsewhere. In America, it really isn't that bad for kids, until college, and then it's super hard, and can get harder when going into a job.

I guess it just depends on the society and how the kids deal with it. It's not for everyone, I'm sure, but some kids have a demanding schedule and they do fine.

 

[katrina2017]

@s0va It's good for kids to be multi talented, but from OP's post history he is clearly getting overwhelmed because of his kids, home and wife's mental health issues. Dropping a class or two won't make much difference in the child's future.

 

[s0va]

@katrina2017 Also, in Japan, kids often walk to school, club, or juku. Kids can't really do that anymore in America, because of psychos. Parents need to drive them everywhere. If that's the case, yeah, take it easy OP.

 

[saltlamp]

@ajewelinhiscrown My friend, you are struggling. The dynamics in your home are not healthy.

You are expecting your child, your 7 year old, to communicate in a healthy and controlled way when you and your spouse are unable to do that to each other.

So I ask you this, just as I asked you on your post yesterday: is your wife getting help? Have you found a support system?

 

[aman]

@ajewelinhiscrown Honestly, it just sounds like your 7 y.o. is tired after a long day of school and after school club! I find my kids have very little in the way of emotional reserves after a school day (four kids, 3, 6, 9, 12). It makes perfect sense that after trying so hard to behave and learn and listen and follow directions, not to mention any negative interpersonal interactions with peers, they are just DONE. You know your child best, but that behavior, while hard to deal with, does sound pretty normal to me.

You're doing a great job. Parenting is HARD. It pushes you to every physical, mental, and emotional limit you have...and then pushes beyond that.

Some days are just crummy. Some days it's okay to get takeout/easy frozen dinner, snuggle with them on the couch, and do something chill (watch their favorite show, read a book, or just talk).

That sounds like a really hard day! But I promise you there are beautiful days in your future, too. Good luck!

 

[sergepb]

@ajewelinhiscrown Has 7 been assessed for any issues because having that many nuclear metldowns at age 7 does raise a few questions.

 

[arrowfire1274]

@ajewelinhiscrown Sometimes kids just want connection with a parent. Try one on one time with each kid, 100% engaged with them, let them lead the activity, no screen, no phone, just you and the kid playing.
Dr Becky on Instagram has been so helpful (drbeckyathome)

 

[ldingle]

@ajewelinhiscrown The 7 year old’s behavior (specifically the severity and frequency of tantrums) sounds like it may be outside of the normal range. Have you talked to your pediatrician and her school about getting her assessed?

Also I’m sorry, that sounds completely exhausting and miserable.

 

[mrlutrinae]

@ajewelinhiscrown This sounds normal and it doesn’t sound like you are coping well. I don’t know how to say this in a way that doesn’t make me sound rude but understand I am not trying to be a jerk when I say it doesn’t sound like you understand children. “Instead of letting me clean it like a normal person”…. She’s 7 and had a whole day of school and club. You know when you go to school you have to follow rules, not unreasonable rules, but rules, you can’t do things the way they feel natural to you. Example: kids love to move around but they HAVE to be seated most of the day. Kids sometimes feel the need to move around while eating but they’re not allowed to do that. When kids get home they can finally just be themselves and let their feelings out. That’s what your child is doing. It also sounds like you may be getting ahead of yourself, something my husband does all the time that causes our toddler to meltdown. Any time you’re doing something for your kid you HAVE to ask. Just ask and you’ll prevent 90% of meltdowns. Even things you don’t think you need to ask. “Would you like to put your toothpaste on your brush or me?” “Would you like to put your straw on the juice box or me?” “Do you want me to flatten this box for you?” (Also side not why are you taking boxes to slide on? Did they ask for that?)

You are not failing. Parenting is really freaking hard, even when you’re seasoned.

 

[ajewelinhiscrown]

@mrlutrinae Thank you. It is hard. No, I know about the “normal person” thing and of course she’s just a kid who has been at school all day (and we are either way cutting back or eliminating after-school clubs starting next week). The thing is that these eruptions from 7 just come out of nowhere. I didn’t even know 5 had taken this little toy to school with her. When we all got home initially, 5 said to me that she had to go get 7’s toy and give it to her and she was happy about that. So I let her and the next thing I knew was that 7 was in nuclear meltdown mode due to this toy being slightly dirty and her screaming and crying is so intense it is enough to drive the sanest parent out of their mind. It’s so loud and intense every single time she does this I am paranoid neighbors are in the process of calling the police. I try so hard to calm her down but it’s like this precipice and once she’s over it, it’s too late. Beyond exhausting. And so I’m just here in the middle of this meltdown that I couldn’t have even prevented and I’m tearing my hair out. Ugh.

 

[mrlutrinae]

@ajewelinhiscrown I get you. The exact same thing happens with my children. Feelings change so fast it’s hard to keep up. The important thing to do (in my opinion) is model the behavior you want in the future. Consistency is key. What I do is provide comfort, asses, provide a solution and a preventions. Comfort: hug. Asses: I can see you are very upset. I also don’t like it when my things are dirty. Solution: I’m going to take this and clean it up for you. Prevention: in the future keep your special toys at home and only share toys you don’t mind getting a little dirty.

Of course that’s just what works for me at the moment, you might adjust it to fit your family or even find a whole different solution. Another suggestion that has helped me a ton is to get down to eye level, neutralize your tone, lower your voice and make physical contact with your child whenever you need them to listen and/or calm down. Everything else pretty much guarantees to flare up their fight or flight response. If you use Instagram, I suggest following @wholeparent because he covers the psychology aspect of why it’s better to do things in a certain way. I get frustrated too and it feels like I’m barely hanging on sometimes but learning about psychology and how kids’ brains work has helped lessen that feeling.