I caught my 13 year old boy calling a little girl a “b***h”

[georgiana]

I was in my son’s room this evening asking him about something I can’t even remember now, and I looked over towards his phone and saw a bunch of “blue” messages in a row. I didn’t think anything of it at first and didn’t think to read the messages. After I thought about it, I asked him who he was texting that many times in a row. Now just to give some insight, my son has never been one of many words, so it stood out as unusual to me that he would send that many texts without a response. He acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about, so I asked him to grab his phone and I would show him. He proceeded to “scroll” through his texts and open each chat one by one but somehow none of the ones he voluntarily opened had a bunch of blue messages like I glanced over and saw. Single mom mode commenced, and I knew immediately then he was hiding something. I then took the phone from him, and scrolled to the top where the contact was a little girl’s name who I will not mention. I clicked on the chat, and there they were; 10-12 blue messages without a response. The last one reading “b***h,” but without the *. I lost it. He was not raised to speak to little girls or anyone like this. I yelled louder than I’ve yelled in a long time. I made him text her and apologize. I took all electronics away. I apologized to her as well for his actions. I don’t know what to do or how to prevent this from happening again in the future. I’m disgusted, angry, disappointed. I need any and all the advice anyone is willing to give. I’m a single mom with two boys, and he is the oldest. His father is not involved in his life, and I have not dated anyone in about 6 years. I have no idea where he would have gotten this from or why he would ever think that was okay. I need to know how to address this in the morning once we have both had time to settle down. Adding for context since I was asked more than once: from the messages I read - he had her number because he had a crush on her. So I’m guessing he asked for it, and she gave it to him. They had conversations on and off for a couple weeks. I read that he asked her about giving his friend a hug today, and then he called, and she didn’t answer. I guess he was mad because she didn’t answer on top of being “upset/jealous” about the hug so he sent the last text that I mentioned in the post title. I just do not for the life of me understand WHY of all the possible responses or lack thereof he could have had, this was the route he chose.

 

[katrina2017]

@georgiana My advice would be to focus less on punishment, and more on connection. Talk to him openly, allow him to explain the situation and explain to him that his feelings are very valid, but his reaction wasn’t acceptable and that when he feels upset like that, he can talk to you or even write it down in a private journal, but that lashing out at another person is a form of abuse. Texting and calling multiple times with no response, then resorting to name calling is a red flag for future relationships. He is showing that he is having intense negative feelings, but doesn’t have the skills to regulate them. Do you have a good relationship with him? Do you ask him about the things going on in his social life? Does he come to you with his problems? If you don’t feel like you can have these conversations with him, then therapy is a great option. If not handled carefully, this behavior could escalate.

 

[man_of_god43]

@katrina2017 Came here to say something on these lines of “these feelings are ok, these reactions are not”. I’d say try to keep the lines of communication open as the priority - it was about this age that (IMO) the intense disapproval of my parents really cut my brother off and he spent 15 years not talking about his feelings to them, and much of that severely depressed. I’ve heard of parents of teens in the UK (not sure where you are OP) watching things like Love Island with their teens to bring up conversations around flirting, consent, emotional abuse, etc. If not Love Island then other relationship dramas, movies etc. Kids this age see soooo much online (regardless of who they’re hanging out with irl), much of it awful and unquestioned, and need safe spaces to discuss and sort out their feelings with trusted adults. I believe there’s a theory that we don’t develop full empathy till our mid 20s so he may need your support all that time.

 

[night_owl]

@man_of_god43 This. I would really focus on the why part of why not to do this. Like, you can be frustrated and angry and upset. That’s totally normal. We all have moments like that. It’s what we do in those moments that matters. We take the time to process how we feel before we act on it. Don’t do or say anything until you have calmed down. Come talk to me about how you feel. I won’t be mad, you won’t be in trouble, I won’t lecture you or blame you. I feel that way too sometimes. Let’s talk about how we could handle this situation in the future. Recognizing how we feel and deciding not to act on it is huge step towards maturity.

 

[olasunkanmi]

@katrina2017 Yes it was worrying- not because of the word used, but because of the intense jealousy and getting so angry when the girl didn’t answer his call. He needs to understand he can’t control her behaviour and doesn’t have a right to dictate who she hugs, no matter what their relationship status is. I think therapy would be useful because I wouldn’t know how to convince someone not to be jealous or controlling.

OP well done for catching this now and not ignoring your instincts.