I was in my son’s room this evening asking him about something I can’t even remember now, and I looked over towards his phone and saw a bunch of “blue” messages in a row. I didn’t think anything of it at first and didn’t think to read the messages. After I thought about it, I asked him who he was texting that many times in a row. Now just to give some insight, my son has never been one of many words, so it stood out as unusual to me that he would send that many texts without a response. He acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about, so I asked him to grab his phone and I would show him. He proceeded to “scroll” through his texts and open each chat one by one but somehow none of the ones he voluntarily opened had a bunch of blue messages like I glanced over and saw. Single mom mode commenced, and I knew immediately then he was hiding something. I then took the phone from him, and scrolled to the top where the contact was a little girl’s name who I will not mention. I clicked on the chat, and there they were; 10-12 blue messages without a response. The last one reading “b***h,” but without the *. I lost it. He was not raised to speak to little girls or anyone like this. I yelled louder than I’ve yelled in a long time. I made him text her and apologize. I took all electronics away. I apologized to her as well for his actions. I don’t know what to do or how to prevent this from happening again in the future. I’m disgusted, angry, disappointed. I need any and all the advice anyone is willing to give. I’m a single mom with two boys, and he is the oldest. His father is not involved in his life, and I have not dated anyone in about 6 years. I have no idea where he would have gotten this from or why he would ever think that was okay. I need to know how to address this in the morning once we have both had time to settle down.
I caught my 13 year old boy calling a little girl a “b***h”
- Thread starter georgiana
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- parent-to-parent question
@georgiana If you have a privilege and you can't use it appropriately, you lose the privilege, so in this case take away the phone.
@georgiana You can prevent it by not giving the phone back
tangent001
New member
@georgiana You made him apologise and you took away his phone. Sounds exactly right, to me. You could also do a random check on his phone at some point in the future, to make sure he isn't doing this again.
I just wanted to say - please don't worry too much about this. Obviously what he has done is horrible and you were right to get mad and react strongly, but I don't think this is indicative of any problem. 13 yr olds do stupid stuff and let their emotions get the better of them. It happens. So long as you make sure they know it's wrong, that's all you can do. You sound like an amazing mother, and he is just being a teenager and making normal mistakes. You're doing great
I just wanted to say - please don't worry too much about this. Obviously what he has done is horrible and you were right to get mad and react strongly, but I don't think this is indicative of any problem. 13 yr olds do stupid stuff and let their emotions get the better of them. It happens. So long as you make sure they know it's wrong, that's all you can do. You sound like an amazing mother, and he is just being a teenager and making normal mistakes. You're doing great
@georgiana I don’t necessarily have advice, just commenting to say everything you did was right. Everything. First and foremost you showed him it is unacceptable. You also apologized to her.
I’m trying to think of what I would do in this situation. I would probably have a sit down with him and ask who the girl is and why he is doing that. Explain why it’s unacceptable and won’t be accepted. I think the phone would be cut off or heavily restricted/monitored for quite some time. Then maybe give him some other things to do that don’t involve electronics.
I’m trying to think of what I would do in this situation. I would probably have a sit down with him and ask who the girl is and why he is doing that. Explain why it’s unacceptable and won’t be accepted. I think the phone would be cut off or heavily restricted/monitored for quite some time. Then maybe give him some other things to do that don’t involve electronics.
@georgiana The role of a parent of teenager is to raise good adults. Which, to me, means teaching them how to fix mistakes, not expect them not to make mistakes. You are not failing if your kid screws up, you are failing if you don't help them fix it.
Your kid said something stupid and hurtful, and you need to find out why he did that and better ways to deal with whatever emotions made him do that. Angry at her -> practice productive ways to express anger. Peer pressure -> better ways to stand up for what you believe in, and why does he feel a need to impress these specific kids?
Your kid said something stupid and hurtful, and you need to find out why he did that and better ways to deal with whatever emotions made him do that. Angry at her -> practice productive ways to express anger. Peer pressure -> better ways to stand up for what you believe in, and why does he feel a need to impress these specific kids?
marshmelly
New member
@georgiana Yes to taking away the phone. Yes to making him apologize. And I 100% would also have yelled at him.
Now, what you absolutely have to do is once everything has cooled off to sit him down and talk to him. It'll be a mix of trying to understand what went on inside of him and to make him see the other side. Because you can punish him all you want, if he doesn't understand why it's not okay, he will do it again, just get better at hiding his tracks.
Why did he message that girl in the first place?
What did he expect/hope to happen? (For her to chat back, probably)
Why does he think it did not happen that way? (He probably thinks she did it on purpose to hurt him)
How did that make him feel?
Could there be any other reason why she didn't reply? (Busy, phone taken away, maybe she's really shy, maybe she didn't know what to answer,...)
How would he feel if he had left his phone for 30 minutes and came back to messages like that?
Let's assume the "worst" - maybe she really just does not like him that way. - Now what? How does that make him feel?
So he tried to make her feel bad, too? But will that make him feel better?
And not liking him, is that her fault? How does anyone decide who they like? Oh, it just happens? And maybe sometimes it doesn't, right? Can you force yourself to like someone you don't? Could I force you to like *person he likes, but doesn't like in a romantic sense*? How would that make you feel if I tried? Or if that person tried?
What could you have done differently?
Maybe also throw in how messed up it is that so many TV shows and movies make it sound like you just have to keep nagging a girl and she'll eventually fall in love with you. Because that is not how it works.
Now, what you absolutely have to do is once everything has cooled off to sit him down and talk to him. It'll be a mix of trying to understand what went on inside of him and to make him see the other side. Because you can punish him all you want, if he doesn't understand why it's not okay, he will do it again, just get better at hiding his tracks.
Why did he message that girl in the first place?
What did he expect/hope to happen? (For her to chat back, probably)
Why does he think it did not happen that way? (He probably thinks she did it on purpose to hurt him)
How did that make him feel?
Could there be any other reason why she didn't reply? (Busy, phone taken away, maybe she's really shy, maybe she didn't know what to answer,...)
How would he feel if he had left his phone for 30 minutes and came back to messages like that?
Let's assume the "worst" - maybe she really just does not like him that way. - Now what? How does that make him feel?
So he tried to make her feel bad, too? But will that make him feel better?
And not liking him, is that her fault? How does anyone decide who they like? Oh, it just happens? And maybe sometimes it doesn't, right? Can you force yourself to like someone you don't? Could I force you to like *person he likes, but doesn't like in a romantic sense*? How would that make you feel if I tried? Or if that person tried?
What could you have done differently?
Maybe also throw in how messed up it is that so many TV shows and movies make it sound like you just have to keep nagging a girl and she'll eventually fall in love with you. Because that is not how it works.
kimmiediscovery
New member
@georgiana I totally understand why you yelled at him—I’ve done it myself with my kids much to my later embarrassment —but when you do that you’re teaching him that when you feel like someone has wronged you it’s okay to lash out at them.
I don’t want to sound harsh but I don’t think it’s wildly different from how he reacted to that girl. It’s easy to get fixated on the word he used and nastiness he expressed, but I think you need to spend more time talking with him about the hurt that he felt being rejected and constructive ways he could handle those feelings. I would also apologize to him for yelling at him (without turning into a pushover and backing down from the consequences you’ve set out for him). Doing so will be a model of behavior for him to follow.
I don’t want to sound harsh but I don’t think it’s wildly different from how he reacted to that girl. It’s easy to get fixated on the word he used and nastiness he expressed, but I think you need to spend more time talking with him about the hurt that he felt being rejected and constructive ways he could handle those feelings. I would also apologize to him for yelling at him (without turning into a pushover and backing down from the consequences you’ve set out for him). Doing so will be a model of behavior for him to follow.
christianm18
New member
@kimmiediscovery This. It sounds like without the proper kind of intervention, OPs son would be on r/niceguys in a couple years. We need to teach children empathy as well as actions -> consequences.
punkcanrun
New member
@georgiana Just speculating but it sounds like he was trying to speak to the girl with all the blue messages and there was no response so he used a derogatory term on her. Which is wrong. If he has a crush on her and he was getting rejected, it can hurt and he is trying to hurt her back. Learning to take on rejection gracefully is a skill that everyone has to learn and many grown adults have yet to learn. He was probably already hurt from the situation, then you seeing the messages and witnessing your reaction threw in another whammy. So he’s probably not feeling good right now. Maybe have a chat with him calmly what is occurring. He might not want to speak to you about it but still worth a try.
gcjohnstone
New member
@georgiana 13 y.o.s talk like this with their friends. He's going to be picking up all kinds of information...and creating some of his own. You did great by being involved enough to question his "private" activities/conversations. He NEEDS parental guidance now, more than ever. He's test driving his new maturity, and without boundaries has the potential to double down on bad choices. You're doing great. At this point I'd make him earn his phone and gaming time. Learning empathy towards women/anyone might have to be a little painful. After a couple weeks without electronics, have HIM explain to you why bullying anyone is wrong. Hold out until you hear something convincing. You're doing great. You're still one step ahead of him.
alicehaynes
New member
@georgiana too harsh, that girl has probably said worse things
@georgiana I think you screwed this up badly. You invaded his privacy, punished him without asking, and then humiliated him.
You didn't ask what happened. Your son showed unusual behavior and instead of investigating and talking with him you just jumped to conclusion. Do you know what happened? What she did or did not? There is the chance that she is the vicious party. Put simply, maybe she is bitch.
Don't expect your son to you for any relationship advice. You established that you will not listen to him but instead will punish him, and that he should keep his secrets better from you.
I hope you didn't argue that little girls need special treatment. There is a tendency to fetishize little girls as innocent and pure. Precious, fragile, needy of protection, inferior in body and mind to men. In reality they are just as vicious and mean as any boy.
I'd say talk with him. Get his side of the story, tell him your concerns and why you got angry.
You didn't ask what happened. Your son showed unusual behavior and instead of investigating and talking with him you just jumped to conclusion. Do you know what happened? What she did or did not? There is the chance that she is the vicious party. Put simply, maybe she is bitch.
Don't expect your son to you for any relationship advice. You established that you will not listen to him but instead will punish him, and that he should keep his secrets better from you.
I hope you didn't argue that little girls need special treatment. There is a tendency to fetishize little girls as innocent and pure. Precious, fragile, needy of protection, inferior in body and mind to men. In reality they are just as vicious and mean as any boy.
I'd say talk with him. Get his side of the story, tell him your concerns and why you got angry.
@georgiana I think you reacted reasonably well given the circumstances. I probably would have insisted on a personal apology, either face to face or verbally (on the phone) so he could better understand how she was affected and she could determine if his apology was sincere (not just coerced by you).
Taking away electronics is the correct consequence.
I would also look into options that would allow you to see all of his activity on your phone in real time for when you give him the phone back. This way you can monitor him if you want to. And I know that a lot of people are going to start screaming about violating his privacy with this but I think that given the situation and the fact that you're paying for the phone, he shouldn't expect privacy on his electronics. Maybe at some point he will show that he can be trusted to not do anything like this again and you may feel comfortable enough to stop monitoring him.
My other concern is that he may have done this to other girls in person at school. If I had the sense that may have happened, I'd probably reach out to the school to see if they are aware of any similar complaints specifically about your son. On one hand, I would hope that if there had been any problems that the school would have contacted me but I know that teachers are overwhelmed and schools are generally understaffed, so it may be ignored.
Taking away electronics is the correct consequence.
I would also look into options that would allow you to see all of his activity on your phone in real time for when you give him the phone back. This way you can monitor him if you want to. And I know that a lot of people are going to start screaming about violating his privacy with this but I think that given the situation and the fact that you're paying for the phone, he shouldn't expect privacy on his electronics. Maybe at some point he will show that he can be trusted to not do anything like this again and you may feel comfortable enough to stop monitoring him.
My other concern is that he may have done this to other girls in person at school. If I had the sense that may have happened, I'd probably reach out to the school to see if they are aware of any similar complaints specifically about your son. On one hand, I would hope that if there had been any problems that the school would have contacted me but I know that teachers are overwhelmed and schools are generally understaffed, so it may be ignored.
@georgiana So I would like to know more context as to why he called her a bitch. Not to at all, justify his behavior but just to understand why he felt the need. If he called her this because he was soliciting a reaction from her or wanting her to talk to him but she didn't respond because he made her feel uncomfortable, he needs to talk to a counselor about it. Boys like this end up as men who can't take no or rejection as an answer. Sometimes this kind of behavior and thought process can lead a boy down the rabbithole of abusive behavior towards women who dare reject him. This would be the time to get him to someone who can undo this before it gets out of control.
If he called her a bitch because they had an argument, that's a little bit different. Not excusable by any means but it may warrant some serious conversations between the two of you about controlling anger and not lashing out at others. And conversations about how gender specific insults are particularly bad because they do extra harm to the person they're directed at and have a deeper meaning. Conversations about how he would never want to hear someone talk about you like that or call you names.
Did he say this because this is how he talks to everyone? Refer to the above paragraph and make it about treating everyone with respect and how insults like that make him look childish and unable to handle his own emotions.
Its hard for you because his father is not in the picture and he doesn't get to see how someone he looks up to treats his mom right and with kindness. But the good news is, 13 is young and there's plenty of time to correct this.
If he called her a bitch because they had an argument, that's a little bit different. Not excusable by any means but it may warrant some serious conversations between the two of you about controlling anger and not lashing out at others. And conversations about how gender specific insults are particularly bad because they do extra harm to the person they're directed at and have a deeper meaning. Conversations about how he would never want to hear someone talk about you like that or call you names.
Did he say this because this is how he talks to everyone? Refer to the above paragraph and make it about treating everyone with respect and how insults like that make him look childish and unable to handle his own emotions.
Its hard for you because his father is not in the picture and he doesn't get to see how someone he looks up to treats his mom right and with kindness. But the good news is, 13 is young and there's plenty of time to correct this.