So before I go into things to deep. I am 31 years old and a male. My wife is Latina and from Peru, we have 3 kids 2, and 3 and then my step son J is 8 turning 9 and ever since my daughter turned about 3 years old. My step son and I have not been able to communicate effectively.
He used to call me dad and he used to love
laying with me and we had a blast. I will admit that it’s possible I was a little hard on him from 5-6 years old. When my daughter learned to crawl. He would sometimes get violent with her, and maybe a couple occasions I actually physically hurt him. Nothing serious maybe a flick on his ear (from his moms side they do that) but he became more jealous of my daughter. And not seeing the signs for the attention he was looking for. I probably punished him for acting out….. fast forward 2 years it’s been a slippery slope, far from the loving adored relationship we once had when I was accepted into their family. I’ve tried to talk to him but he always reverts on this idea that I stole his mother from him.
When we were first dating J could be very comfortable with me. But jokingly his mom would say, “you stole his mom from him”. Just as a joke but I believe he may have internalized this idea. Because he would constantly say, “can you get back with daddy Martin”, on one hand I have my feelings hurt, but on the other I can see he just wants to be a normal kid.
I’m not sure if he got bullied or someone said something about how he looks. He looks closer to Filipino than Peruvian/or Korean his mix…. He’s an interesting kid, smart but doesn’t apply himself.
We used to read books and I’d educate him on science and math and he would impress his teacher with mental math. But now he’s behind, probably spends 4-5 hours a day on his iPad. I have a very hard time parenting him. Because he learned that if it’s just me and him he can cry wolf and his mom always comes to his rescue. Which I think is detrimental to his growth and how he reacts and treats other men and other boys….
I think sometimes, my step son says things that if a stranger said I’d be fighting with them. But now I don’t fight fire with fire because he’s just resenting more, and it validates his idea I stole his mom and that I’m the enemy of his “ real family” but I think this thought process won’t serve him and may even give him more insecurities. He’s extremely shy, but is a genuine sweet kid. The Latina side of him brings out this emotional side, that I feel like splits our family.
I just try and love and support him no matter what! Ironically my wife used to say I was picking on him this or that. But if my two younger ones said 1/4 the stuff J says, I’d give ‘‘em a spanking and send them to bed. There has to be some sort of threat of violence In I family dynamic I believe . Because if not a teenager slap their mom or a kid throws a baseball. Violence can sometimes be an answer. But only in very certain occasions. But nudging or tugging an ear can be similar to getting a dogs attention with a nip.
I don’t ever hurt him physically anymore. If something does happen where he hurts me or the other kids I take him or, his mom to him. And she punishes him. So he constantly pushes the boundaries because he knows I’m not going to go out of my way unless it’s bad or something.
My question is, have anyone of you ever gone through the same situation either as the kid, brother, sister, whatever…. And seen a method be more effective?
I really let him get away with almost anything. But if he physically hurts his 3 year old sister or 2 year old brother on purpose. He’s going to be in trouble.
I’d love to fix the situation but is there anyone who would have any ideas I know that a lot of this depends upon my wife and what she feels comfortable with. But as far as advice to bring to her that could help?
I really try not to get vengeful or mad at J because I know he’s just a kid, but I think it my other son Jackson did any of this, what would I do?
I’d never let him get away with what my step son has. I’ve heard a lot of hurtful words but I look at it like this, he was fed a narrative that makes his father look more of a hero and that he wants a dad to be proud of. But it hurts a lot especially because he used to be my little man who loved me!
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He used to call me dad and he used to love
laying with me and we had a blast. I will admit that it’s possible I was a little hard on him from 5-6 years old. When my daughter learned to crawl. He would sometimes get violent with her, and maybe a couple occasions I actually physically hurt him. Nothing serious maybe a flick on his ear (from his moms side they do that) but he became more jealous of my daughter. And not seeing the signs for the attention he was looking for. I probably punished him for acting out….. fast forward 2 years it’s been a slippery slope, far from the loving adored relationship we once had when I was accepted into their family. I’ve tried to talk to him but he always reverts on this idea that I stole his mother from him. When we were first dating J could be very comfortable with me. But jokingly his mom would say, “you stole his mom from him”. Just as a joke but I believe he may have internalized this idea. Because he would constantly say, “can you get back with daddy Martin”, on one hand I have my feelings hurt, but on the other I can see he just wants to be a normal kid.
I’m not sure if he got bullied or someone said something about how he looks. He looks closer to Filipino than Peruvian/or Korean his mix…. He’s an interesting kid, smart but doesn’t apply himself.
We used to read books and I’d educate him on science and math and he would impress his teacher with mental math. But now he’s behind, probably spends 4-5 hours a day on his iPad. I have a very hard time parenting him. Because he learned that if it’s just me and him he can cry wolf and his mom always comes to his rescue. Which I think is detrimental to his growth and how he reacts and treats other men and other boys….
I think sometimes, my step son says things that if a stranger said I’d be fighting with them. But now I don’t fight fire with fire because he’s just resenting more, and it validates his idea I stole his mom and that I’m the enemy of his “ real family” but I think this thought process won’t serve him and may even give him more insecurities. He’s extremely shy, but is a genuine sweet kid. The Latina side of him brings out this emotional side, that I feel like splits our family.
I just try and love and support him no matter what! Ironically my wife used to say I was picking on him this or that. But if my two younger ones said 1/4 the stuff J says, I’d give ‘‘em a spanking and send them to bed. There has to be some sort of threat of violence In I family dynamic I believe . Because if not a teenager slap their mom or a kid throws a baseball. Violence can sometimes be an answer. But only in very certain occasions. But nudging or tugging an ear can be similar to getting a dogs attention with a nip.
I don’t ever hurt him physically anymore. If something does happen where he hurts me or the other kids I take him or, his mom to him. And she punishes him. So he constantly pushes the boundaries because he knows I’m not going to go out of my way unless it’s bad or something.
My question is, have anyone of you ever gone through the same situation either as the kid, brother, sister, whatever…. And seen a method be more effective?
I really let him get away with almost anything. But if he physically hurts his 3 year old sister or 2 year old brother on purpose. He’s going to be in trouble.
I’d love to fix the situation but is there anyone who would have any ideas I know that a lot of this depends upon my wife and what she feels comfortable with. But as far as advice to bring to her that could help?
I really try not to get vengeful or mad at J because I know he’s just a kid, but I think it my other son Jackson did any of this, what would I do?
I’d never let him get away with what my step son has. I’ve heard a lot of hurtful words but I look at it like this, he was fed a narrative that makes his father look more of a hero and that he wants a dad to be proud of. But it hurts a lot especially because he used to be my little man who loved me!
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