How to stop the tattle tailing and arguing

[robert424]

Hi Moms and Dads,
I have 3 kiddos, 8 y/o daughter, 4 y/o daughter and a 2 month old son.

My oldest daughter is with us M-F and stays with her dad on the weekends where she's the only child. I will also add that she is ADHD and is medicated. We lost my 4 y/o's father to suicide when she was 1 so she is with us full time.

My fiance and I are feeling completely fed up with their fighting and their tattle tailing. The only time they don't argue is if there is a reward ( going somewhere, phone/iPad time, desert after dinner etc.) We have taken things away and placed them in timeout and it doesn't work. I am at SAHM and literally every 3-5 minutes one of them it tattling on the other. They are constantly trying to get revenge on the other one even after I have addressed the situation. My oldest says she doesn't act this way at here dad because her sister isn't there. They yell at eachother constantly and come to me screaming which upsets the baby. I need help!! What can I say/do to make my house less chaotic? Any tips/tricks? My husband and I are at the end of our rope.

Thank you in advance!

 

[ctrites]

@robert424 I have a real issue with this as well. My boys will constantly tattle. I have have found it helpful to work through why they're telling me with them. I will ask them what the point is. If they are tattling to get the other in trouble, they get a time out. I've told them that unless someone is in danger, I don't want them to say anything. It seems to be working

 

[robert424]

@ctrites I feel like my oldest is tattling because she wants her sister to get in trouble. Shes not understanding why we hold her to a higher standard (her age) I've tried to explain she knows better because of her age. It is so exhausting. I will try asking why they're tattling and see what the explanation will be. Thank you.

 

[ctrites]

@robert424 Honestly, the time out thing might work. It helps them to realize that THEY are in the wrong. I use one minute for every year. So if your daughter is 7 she would get 7 minutes. Best of luck!

 

[yunderdahl0101]

@robert424

Shes not understanding why we hold her to a higher standard (her age) I've tried to explain she knows better because of her age.

GL with that concept. My oldest is 19 and still gets bent out of shape about the fact that she got in more trouble for kicking 17yo over taking a toy when they were 5 and 3.

As far as the tattling stuff goes, my answer to a tattle quickly became "are you trying to get her into trouble?" If the answer was yes, they both got consequences. If the answer was no, the tattler thought I should stop the other one from doing something unsafe, then I'd thank her for letting me know.

They still tattle, except these days it's them sending me screen shots from each other's stories. "I thought you should know she posted this"...

 

[robert424]

@yunderdahl0101 Lol I know some of it is just sibling behavior that I will always have to deal with. It must be my karma for fighting over the small thing with my sister growing up.. like hair elastics You really find a new appreciation for your parents once you have children of your own.

 

[katrina2017]

@robert424 Blended family stuff.

This is more complicated than tattling. You guys need to work on boundaries and acceptance (of them) and defining your family so they don't express their anxiety and the awkwardness of being together with this competitive, hostile tattling. At the very least, you do not even listen to the tattling.

But, you might need to talk with them about their experience of joining with each other every week, and then separating. That's a big adjustment for them, What's that like? How could it be better? How about the time, do you guys do stuff together that is fun and lets them be together in a good way, or does she just come over and try to fit into the routine?

 

[robert424]

@katrina2017 Very complicated. I take them swimming almost everyday because they love the water and they get along and for the most part when we do things as a family they will get along. They will play together with their lol's, barbie dream house and babies but if my 4 y/o doesn't do exactly as my 8 year old says she freaks out and doesn't want to play with her. We have tried to explain that she's allowed to use her imagination too and may want to say/play how she wants too.

Usually the day she comes home it is quite the adjustment partly because she doesn't have any routine at dad's. She goes to bed when she wants, eats what she wants, as much iPad time as she wants then she comes here and I run a tight ship. I limit ipad time (more than tv time) , we eat dinner same time every night as a family and their bedtime routine is always the same.