How to keep a fair and equal relationship between myself and the twins?

[david282]

I have twins (2.5f) and a singleton(6 month f)

I got to hold twin A for a minute before she was brought to the intensive care and only looked at twin b for 30 seconds.

They were both bottle fed and I always found twin a harder to settle and twin b easier.

My connection with them has never been super strong and that has been really highlighted by singleton(my connection is much stronger). This obviously doesn't mean I love any of them any less.
But I'm finding the baby so much easier and she is easier to love.

I have so much guilt over this.
But there is multiple factors, mainly severe ppd(mostly because under control).

Twin a has always been happier to come to me and sit with me. Twin b has always been happier to sit with daddy.

My anxiety comes in here, I'm worried that I am unintentionally emotionally neglecting twin b.

I worry that some of the behaviour I'm seeing from twin b is being caused by this. It could be normal I'm not sure, but we see a whole lot of tantrums and hitting twin a over the head with things. Also she had become 90% more reliant on her soother since little sister was born(previously we were taking it away for most of the daytime and had it only at night).

I want to treat all my babies equally and love them all equally(I do try), but how can I check I'm doing a good job or do better?

 

[forgivemejesus]

@david282 My parenting mantra at the moment is “to everything there is a season” I am sure when your twins need you you will be there for them exactly as you should be. Maybe that will happen when they are 5 or 15 or 25. Parenting more than one child is not a balance sheet. It does not need to be the exact same to be what they need.

 

[roundsquare]

@forgivemejesus [sup]THIS[/sup]

My kids are still under 2, so there's still time for me to experience this, but I have 3 siblings and I remember YEARS where I was much closer with my mom than my dad, and then years where I was closer to my dad. Same with my siblings. I have a crazy bond with my youngest sibling, but when I was in college we were less close. We're much closer as adults though. And our middle siblings, we'd have closer years and more distant years. It's all ebb and flow. Let them ebb and flow. Be there whether they are ebbed or flowed.

But I will say, Twin B has very painfully headbutted me about 5 times in the past month while Twin A has gotten very into regular kisses and hugs of affection. It's hard not to take that personally.

 

[moore2014]

@forgivemejesus Hit the nail on the head here

 

[appalonia]

@david282 I don’t have any advice but I think it’s common to feel this way with multiples. Singleton baby just seems so so much easier to bond fully with as you can give your attention differently.

 

[johnvladimir]

@david282 I have noticed myself, not favoring necessarily one twin over the other, but feeling a different sort of connection. But, it’s changed over time.

I think it has to do with who is needing me the most. I feel drawn towards the one that is being more independent. At first, twin a was a little
magnet baby. Always needed me, always on me. B was much more fine to be left to his own devices. I was so worried about not giving b enough attention, but also I just felt compelled to
seek out and give b affection.

But recently, it’s swapped. B is going through a period of separation anxiety, and A is really hitting his stride as a self-sufficient toddler. Now he is the one I’m trying to convince to come over and give me cuddles.

I would feel guilty about giving one more attention than the other, but now that we’ve been at this awhile I see that things ebb and flow and the kids will ask for what they want from you.

It’s also okay to have different relationships with all your kids, including your singleton, because they are different people.

I just try to love my kids and meet their current emotional needs as best I can, knowing it’s all influx and what they need today may be different tomorrow.

 

[sa_m]

@david282 I can fully identify with this, just try to remember that equity is more important than equality. I have beaten myself up over giving way more attention to my twin B than twin A, but the reality is that A just doesn’t need me as much right now. That will change in the future I’m sure, but so long as they are both happy and have what they need right now, I’m being the Mum they need.

 

[kpc1988]

@david282 What’s kept me moving forward is “fair isn’t everyone getting the same thing, it’s everyone getting what they need.”