I must first admit I rarely post on or visit Reddit, but I feel totally lost. I (18F) have heard my brother (14M) saying the N word repeatedly, even with the hard R oftentimes. Our ethnicity is Asian, but my siblings and I were all born in America, so we are American citizens.
For context, my brother is about to finish his freshman year of high school. Since middle school, he rarely goes outside except to go to school, always plays on our family computer and stays on discord calls all day. He has never asked to hang out with a friend, asked to invite a friend over, or had us (our family) meet his online friends. From the time he gets home from school until bedtime, he will play on the computer, watch Youtube, or stay on call with his online friends. During dinner, he will eat at the computer instead of sitting with us (our family) at the dinner table.
I have found this behavior concerning, and after winter break recently this year, he admitted that he was having mental health issues. As an university student currently, I understand the high school burnout, and I suggested to both him and my parents that he could take a break. I let him know I would be willing to email his teachers, help him with missing work, and have him take a long weekend to recover. However, he was dismissive of both this idea and the idea of therapy. I brought up therapy because at our school, there is a program for struggling students to get deadline extensions and missing assignment passes. He didn’t like this idea or my suggestion of him joining an extracurricular boxing class outside of school so he could relieve stress.
A couple weeks ago, during one of his discord calls, I overheard him chanting the N-word, but thought that I had misheard him. A couple of days later, I heard him say it again, but with the hard R. I was furious, and yelled at him to never say the word, and that it was unacceptable. My father also tried lecturing him on the consequences of saying the word, but he insisted (directly quoted) that, “No one cares,” “You’re not black, you can’t tell me what to say,” and “Why should I care?” Although he stayed on call with his friends the whole time my father and I lectured him, he eventually said that he understood that the N word was not okay to say in private and public, and we let him go.
I heard him say the N word again today, with the hard R, and was furious again. Our parents were at bible study, so I told him I would let our father know, and that I disapproved of his online friends and his online habits. I told him that what he said in private reflected his lack of respect towards the history of the N word, but he insisted that he had an “N word pass.” I insisted he get off his discord call to talk to him, but he played a game all the while I tried to talk to him about the N word, and that it wasn’t okay to say in private nor public. I let him know that if he said it again, I would email his teachers to ask them to properly educate him on the word and respect. He seemed unaffected, and insisted that he had learned about the history of America from his eighth grade history classes; he also mentioned that he had black friends, and would never say it in front of them, but still says it in front of his discord friends.
Admittedly, I am very sensitive to racial slurs because before we moved to a more diverse state; my older sister and I faced a lot of prejudice in a nearly all-white small southern town in the US. After moving and making friends with more people of color, I grew interested in the racist past of America, and heavily educated myself on racism. I have cut off friends before if they said slurs, and I do believe that forgiveness can be given if someone re-educates themself.
I also believe that my brother is pretty young and still learning, but I am very concerned about his apathy towards the N word and his insistence to say it in private during his online calls. I talked to my dad about restricting Discord and his computer access; I also let him know that I would not hesitate to email his teachers about this behavior. I am having doubts though, what would be the best way to deal with my teenage brother and this situation? I don’t believe I should really email his school or teachers in fear of ruining his social or school life, but my father is passive and doesn’t act on his words often, mainly because of the fact that my brother is youngest child and he was tired of parenting both me and my older sister (20F). I also don’t want to affect my brother’s mental health or his anger issues he frequently exhibits during his gaming sessions. What should I do?
TLDR: My (19F) younger brother (14M) has repeatedly said the N word and with the hard R as well, even after two long and stern lectures from me and my father. I said I would email his teachers if my parents’ discipline didn’t get through to him, but didn’t mean it in fear of affecting his mental health. I am frustrated and feel powerless, what should I do?
For context, my brother is about to finish his freshman year of high school. Since middle school, he rarely goes outside except to go to school, always plays on our family computer and stays on discord calls all day. He has never asked to hang out with a friend, asked to invite a friend over, or had us (our family) meet his online friends. From the time he gets home from school until bedtime, he will play on the computer, watch Youtube, or stay on call with his online friends. During dinner, he will eat at the computer instead of sitting with us (our family) at the dinner table.
I have found this behavior concerning, and after winter break recently this year, he admitted that he was having mental health issues. As an university student currently, I understand the high school burnout, and I suggested to both him and my parents that he could take a break. I let him know I would be willing to email his teachers, help him with missing work, and have him take a long weekend to recover. However, he was dismissive of both this idea and the idea of therapy. I brought up therapy because at our school, there is a program for struggling students to get deadline extensions and missing assignment passes. He didn’t like this idea or my suggestion of him joining an extracurricular boxing class outside of school so he could relieve stress.
A couple weeks ago, during one of his discord calls, I overheard him chanting the N-word, but thought that I had misheard him. A couple of days later, I heard him say it again, but with the hard R. I was furious, and yelled at him to never say the word, and that it was unacceptable. My father also tried lecturing him on the consequences of saying the word, but he insisted (directly quoted) that, “No one cares,” “You’re not black, you can’t tell me what to say,” and “Why should I care?” Although he stayed on call with his friends the whole time my father and I lectured him, he eventually said that he understood that the N word was not okay to say in private and public, and we let him go.
I heard him say the N word again today, with the hard R, and was furious again. Our parents were at bible study, so I told him I would let our father know, and that I disapproved of his online friends and his online habits. I told him that what he said in private reflected his lack of respect towards the history of the N word, but he insisted that he had an “N word pass.” I insisted he get off his discord call to talk to him, but he played a game all the while I tried to talk to him about the N word, and that it wasn’t okay to say in private nor public. I let him know that if he said it again, I would email his teachers to ask them to properly educate him on the word and respect. He seemed unaffected, and insisted that he had learned about the history of America from his eighth grade history classes; he also mentioned that he had black friends, and would never say it in front of them, but still says it in front of his discord friends.
Admittedly, I am very sensitive to racial slurs because before we moved to a more diverse state; my older sister and I faced a lot of prejudice in a nearly all-white small southern town in the US. After moving and making friends with more people of color, I grew interested in the racist past of America, and heavily educated myself on racism. I have cut off friends before if they said slurs, and I do believe that forgiveness can be given if someone re-educates themself.
I also believe that my brother is pretty young and still learning, but I am very concerned about his apathy towards the N word and his insistence to say it in private during his online calls. I talked to my dad about restricting Discord and his computer access; I also let him know that I would not hesitate to email his teachers about this behavior. I am having doubts though, what would be the best way to deal with my teenage brother and this situation? I don’t believe I should really email his school or teachers in fear of ruining his social or school life, but my father is passive and doesn’t act on his words often, mainly because of the fact that my brother is youngest child and he was tired of parenting both me and my older sister (20F). I also don’t want to affect my brother’s mental health or his anger issues he frequently exhibits during his gaming sessions. What should I do?
TLDR: My (19F) younger brother (14M) has repeatedly said the N word and with the hard R as well, even after two long and stern lectures from me and my father. I said I would email his teachers if my parents’ discipline didn’t get through to him, but didn’t mean it in fear of affecting his mental health. I am frustrated and feel powerless, what should I do?